


Somewhere I Didn't Think I'd Follow

by Whiskeytango86



Series: ...For the Rest of Mine [3]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Diverges After the Dance, F/F, POV Dina (The Last of Us), POV Ellie (The Last of Us), Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:15:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 87,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25698694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiskeytango86/pseuds/Whiskeytango86
Summary: What if Ellie had gone to relieve Joel and Tommy with Jesse instead of patrolling the Creek Trails with Dina that day?What if Dina never got the chance to show Ellie her feelings were real before everything went wrong?What if had Joel lived, but at a terrible cost?A Canon-Divergent story that explores the repercussions of not saying what they meant to say when they had the chance, and the separation that follows.
Relationships: Cat and Dina (The Last of Us), Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina & Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina and Talia (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Series: ...For the Rest of Mine [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848130
Comments: 569
Kudos: 580





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if...

“...I think they should be terrified of you.”

Without hesitation or doubt, her lips were on Ellie’s, and the lights, the music, the oppressive, wet heat in the church room and everyone inside it were gone.

There’s only Ellie’s hair tangled between her fingertips.

Ellie’s arms, tightening around her waist, pulling her closer.

The warm taste of whiskey on Ellie’s tongue.

The unexpected softness of Ellie’s lips.

Ellie's lips.

Oh god, Ellie’s lips.

And finally when they break apart, that smile.

Ellie smiles at her in a way she swore could have shattered her into a thousand pieces, a thousand times over, and each time she’d happily pick up her remains and put herself back together if only it meant she could see Ellie smile like that just one more time.

For a few moments in this world that could be so horribly cruel, the world that had taken her father and her mother and Talia from her, and so much from so many… it was just the two of them. Here together, and for these few moments that was all that mattered.

She knows then, with a certainty she’s never experienced before, that Ellie Williams is going to be the death of her.

Looking up at that damn smile, breathless, her heart in her throat, with their whole lives to come stretched out in front of them, Dina gets ok with that idea real quick.

\----------

The ride to the trail is quiet, not for Antony’s lack of attempts at conversation at first. He gives up somewhere close to the creek leading up to the radio tower, and they continue on in silence except for the occasional “Clear”.

Dina can’t bring herself to engage, even in the easy flow that usually comes with her and Antony. She’s just on auto-pilot, letting her instincts from years of patrolling and the years before that on her own guide her body while her head is somewhere else entirely. 

Somewhere out in Teton County. Somewhere with the stubbornest, most infuriating, most amazing person she’s ever met. 

She wants to be _here,_ but she can’t.

She wants her mind to at least let her think of those few seconds wrapped in Ellie’s arms, but it won’t.

All she can think about is what she had said to Ellie before they had gone out that morning.

_“I shouldn’t have kissed you…”_

_“I don’t want you to think…”_

The look on Ellie’s face before they parted and she rode off north with Jesse.

And of course, Ellie hadn’t let her get her whole thought out. Kept cutting in. Insisting she knew what Dina was going to say. Kept denying Dina’s attempts to tell her what she really meant, but she could tell. 

Ellie didn’t understand.

Dina just meant that their first kiss should have been somewhere private, unhindered by alcohol or prying eyes. Where there would be no interruptions. No questions from anyone.

No _question_ about what it meant. 

After all this time, Dina knew. She finally knew, and she wanted Ellie to know she knew. 

And god damnit, she wasn’t going to let Ellie’s stubbornness stand in the way of that.

So while she looks out from the ruins of the radio tower at the view below her. Ellie.

While she picks through a house and finds a crumpled up card covered in comic book art and pockets it. Ellie.

While her and Antony clear out a supermarket and she thinks of who the last person she’d want to see if this was where she died. Ellie.

The whole day, nothing but Ellie. Ellie, Ellie. 

_Ellie._

Antony had to talk her out of leaving the old house they were in, sheltering from the blizzard that rolled down off the mountains just when they had made the second stop, just because her mind wouldn’t let her sit still any longer. She needed to get back to town. Needed to tell Ellie exactly what their kiss was. 

Needed to kiss that idiot again to prove it.

\----------

She needs warmer boots.

For all the shit she gives Ellie about wearing her canvas shoes out in the snow, her soft leather pull ups aren’t doing much to keep out the cold as she sits on Ellie’s stoop, waiting for her to return.

She wonders if Ellie had worn those out today. She hadn’t even noticed. Hadn’t taken her eyes off of her face during the brief time they had seen each other.

Dina sits there against Ellie’s door as the snow gently falls on the ground around her, melting in her hair, picturing Ellie’s face, and she waits. 

And she waits.

And she waits.

A part of her worries that something has happened. Patrols could be dangerous. More than one person hadn’t come back since Dina had been in Jackson. Hell, since Dina had started patrolling. 

Sightings of infected had picked up recently. Horde season was winding down, but there were still plenty that were passing through, more so than in past years.

Dina finds her teeth burying into her lip as she leans forward, trying to see around the garage to the side gate, as though if she could see it, something would happen. 

She was worrying over nothing. It was Eliie.

_Ellie._

If anyone could take care of themselves, it was her. Dina had seen her in action. It was both terrifying and enthralling. 

And Jesse was with her, and they were going to be meeting up with Joel and Tommy.

There was nothing to worry about.

She repeated that like a mantra as she left the Miller-Williams houses, planning to go join the group who were sneaking out of the walls to go sledding. That’s what she needed to take her mind off of the girl who had occupied her headspace for 5 years.

Fucking sledding.

Everything would be fine, and she’d get to set things right with Ellie in the morning.

There was nothing to worry about.

\----------

That feeling.

She doesn’t know when it started, but she knew it was there.

Laying low in her stomach making it feel like it’s empty, like a hunger that nothing she can eat or drink will satisfy.

The longer it sits there the farther it spreads, reaching out for the soft parts inside with slow creeping tendrils. Angry wouldn’t be the right word for them.

Malicious might be better.

They make their way up, and before she knows why, they’re wrapping around her lungs, tugging on her heart, pulling it down, sinking it into some dark area within.

Dread. 

Dina had felt it when she left Ellie’s house. 

It stayed with her throughout the whole evening, and when she made her way back past Joel’s and saw that no lights were on, there or in the garage, it pulled her heart deeper. 

As she lies in her bed, she tries to reason with herself.

_“Teton County is big, sometimes you have to make camp.”_

_“The blizzard could be worse up there, maybe they’re just holed up.”_

_“It’s ELLIE. ELLIE. Nothing could ever happen to her.”_

Dread tells her otherwise.

_“The hordes usually move through Teton first.”_

_“The blizzard cleared up mid-afternoon.”_

_“Talia was Talia. She’s dead now.”_

_“No one is safe.”_

_“Everyone dies._

_“No one is safe.”_

The pounding on her door as she stares at the ceiling doesn’t even surprise her. 

Jesse’s voice outside calling for her to hurry.

Her body moves without her willing it to, and she steps out into the bracing cold.

She blinks back tears without even knowing what they’re for.

She wasted so much time.

So much time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not every chapter will be this short, but I am going to experiment with some shorter chapters.


	2. My Sense of Wonder's Just a Little Tired

It’s not every night, not anymore.

Sometimes it’s peaceful, the way she wakes.

Sometimes she finds that it’s the sun coming in through the cracks in the blinds, thin golden blades on the floor slowly lighting up her bedroom. 

Sometimes the sheets are dry, laid softly on top of her, wrapping her in their warmth and security instead of soaked through with her cold sweat, tangled around her limbs like a straight jacket.

Sometimes she just opens her eyes, having not dreamt at all.

Sometimes... sometimes she dreams of _her._

Those are the best nights.

Most nights she wakes up screaming.

She dreams of them.

A world still full of horrors and instead she spends her nights locked in a room she can’t escape with some of the only people who can never hurt her again, but somehow find a new way almost every time she closes her eyes.

This was one of those nights, when the knife twisted deeper.

It takes her so hard she almost spins out of the small bed, catching herself with a hand against the bedside table. She rests her forehead against the cool wooden surface as she tries to catch her breath, listening to the insects buzzing outside the open window.

She reaches under the other pillow and wraps her fingers around the grip of the pistol beneath it, pulling it against her chest. The cold metal pushes between her and the mattress, and she keeps it there until she can feel her heart start to slow.

It’s still dark, but the glow of the light outside is starting to turn, touches of yellow bleeding into the blue. She’s barely gotten a few hours, but no point trying to go back to sleep now. She wouldn’t want to even if she could.

The dead can only find her in her dreams.

She throws on her boots and coat, and stops by the other bedroom door before heading outside. The breathing inside is loud. Uneven. But it’s still there, which is good enough.

Her morning hunt doesn’t last long. A pair of rabbits got caught in the snares she had set up the day before not far from the house. One is still alive, but badly injured. Dehydrated from fighting the trap for a day. Most likely in shock. The young ones sometimes died just from the fear of being caught. 

This one hadn’t, but it would soon anyways, even if she hadn’t come for it. 

It still kicks fiercely as she grabs it, and she has to close her eyes as she makes the sharp, final twist with her hands. 

It twitches slowly in her fingers, and she cries the whole time she cleans them.

Outside at the pump she fills two of the galvanized pails and brings them back in to boil, before heading back out to fill them again. Once they’re all too hot for a sane person to touch, she empties them into the tub, strips off her clothes, and sinks down in, letting the water cover her completely. Enveloping her. 

She hardly feels a thing. Only the pressure in her lungs as the moments wear by and they grow smaller, each breath she lets out into open water another she feels like she doesn’t need to keep, until maybe, there just won’t be any left at all.

Just like last time, she resurfaces before she even starts to gasp.

And the time before that, and the time before that.

She can’t decide if she’s a coward or not or if it even matters which.

After she’s scrubbed herself and dried off, she prepares the rabbits with some eggs from the chickens. They’re running low. It hadn’t been a good turn out this time. She’ll have to go into town and make some trades.

It isn’t a special occasion, and she doesn’t know why she feels inclined to, but she pulls a burlap bag out from the cupboard, and tests the weight in her hand. Not much left, maybe a few cups. 

She pours some of the contents out onto a cutting board and uses a mallet to slowly break them down into coarse grounds, and throws them into a kettle to boil. 

The smell of it starts to fill the kitchen and she closes her eyes and breathes it in. She still doesn’t like the taste, but the smell… she can see the appeal.

Grabbing the container and rags, she makes her way to the back of the one story house, and knocks softly on the door of the bedroom across from hers before opening it slowly and walking in, finding him sitting on the edge of the bed, massaging his leg.

“That coffee I’m smellin’?”, he says through a yawn, his voice crackling with sleep.

She walks over and kneels down in front of him, “Yeah, thought the onions could use some fertilizer. It’s best if you boil it first right?”

He chuckles while she opens the container and the harsh scent of alcohol fills the room, and she motions for him to untie his pant leg, which he obliges.

“Ya’know, one of these days, yer gonna find yerself enjoying the taste of that fertilizer”, he says, rolling the cuff of his pants back over the puckered stump of his leg. 

“You’ve been telling me that for years,” she smiles, pulling the syringe out of the container of alcohol, and depressing the plunger to empty any of the sanitizing liquid that had gotten inside, “Still waiting.”

She readies the needle over the familiar spot, and he rests his hand over hers.

“Kiddo… I can do this myself”, he looks down at her, the one side of his face that still responds to his nerves turning up in a reassuring smile. 

Ellie tries to smile back confidently, as reassuring to Joel as he is to her.

“I know, Dad”, she presses the needle in without warning, and he groans at first, it turning into a throaty laugh. 

“But I like stabbing you too much.”

She slowly pulls the plunger out, the syringe filling with the fluid that keeps finding it's way inside of Joel’s injury, and once it’s full, she extracts the needle, wipes the insertion point with an alcohol soaked rag, and slaps him on the leg, earning another groan.

“Now c’mon”, she picks up all the supplies and grabs his crutch from the ground, handing it to him, 

“Breakfast is getting cold.”

She tries to hide her face as she walks out, looking down at the syringe in her hand.

She hopes he hadn’t seen it too.

\----------

She doesn’t like going into town. Not if she doesn’t have to.

It could be all in her head, but she could swear people stare at her. Whisper things as she passes by.

It didn’t exactly feel _inviting._

Not like things used to. 

Joel likes it better than she does. She wasn’t sure where along the line they had switched, but somewhere down the years living with people, Joel had grown to like it. To need it. Living out with Ellie in the cabin wasn’t suiting him well. 

Not when he felt so useless. 

Not that getting into town was an easy trip for him to make nowadays anyways, after they’d had to trade the cart for more medicine. They still had Shimmer, but it wasn’t easy for him to control her, much less get on and off without help. It had just… 

They’d taken so much from him.

So most of the time now, Ellie had to make the trip. 

They didn’t live far, barely half a mile outside. Just far enough to be away.

She brought the extra game she had caught and dried, along with skins, and ammunition she had found when she went out ranging. They would be needing a fair amount this time. She didn’t like trading the ammo unless it was necessary, but the pills were running low, and she needed Karlson to come out to the cabin, come see Joel. 

The syringe had been dark this morning.

That had happened before. There were pellets from the shotgun blast still trapped inside, hammered into his bone that they hadn’t been able to get out but they also hadn’t wanted to amputate any higher. He’d just needed a course of antibiotics to clear it up, but she wanted to be sure. 

Shimmer carries her through the gate, and Ellie ties her up at the nearby stable, giving a curt nod to the hand who barely seems to acknowledge her as she takes her goods out of the saddle bags and makes her way into town.

She stops at the tanner and the butchers, and as usual, they offer her less than what she has is worth, but they don’t offer her nothing, so she takes it. Before she might have argued. Before she might have told them to go fuck themselves. Now she just nods and moves along.

The gunsmith has always been more fair with her. Ellie doesn’t think he likes her any better than anyone else in town does, but it’s hard for him to turn his nose up at someone who is always bringing in fresh bullets. She picks through the credits he hands her and raises an eyebrow, and he scoffs but throws in one more. 

It’ll be enough. 

She buys what she needs from the grocer, having it sent to the stable, keeping the bottle of corn mash whiskey and heading to Karlson’s.

It’s far from early, but the old man still seems like he’s just woken up when he answers the door, rubbing his eyes and pulling suspenders up over his shoulders.

He sighs when he sees it’s her, “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

“Do _you_ have any idea what time it is?”, she shoots back, but raises the bottle so he can see it.

He moves his eyes between it and her, weighing his options, and waves her in, walking back into his house, and she follows him inside.

After sharing a glass of the liquor they both sit at the dining room table, and Ellie waits for him to ask.

He takes a long breath through his nose, “So… how is he?”

“I think he’s ok. I never really know”, she says honestly. When he’s fine he seems fine. When he’s not she thinks he won’t last another minute. “We need more of his medicine though, he’s on the last pill.”

Karlson licks his teeth and pours another glass, “This supposed to pay for that?”

Ellie raises her eyebrows and shrugs.

He sips the drink. “Wish it could, kid. But that stuff doesn’t grow on trees. Same price as usual.”

Ellie nods, she was expecting this. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the credits, handing them over, and he does her the courtesy of not counting them, just going to one of his cabinets and picking out a bottle, tossing it to her.

“That it?”, he asks, eyeing the bottle. 

She swallows. Karlson always knows when there’s an ask. 

“The stuff in his leg was dark again. I was hoping you’d come out and take a look. Maybe bring some antibiotics with you?”

He picks up the whiskey and tilts it back and forth looking at the liquid inside slosh against the glass, 

“And you thought you’d get me… liquored up before asking?”

Ellie grins, “Wouldn’t trust you if you hadn’t had a drink yet.”

Karlson laughs as he pours another glass and finishes it just as quickly.

“Me neither.”

\----------

Karlson agrees to come out a little later in the day, after he’s seen to a few house calls in town. He even promises to bring the antibiotics, once Ellie promises to bring a higher quality drink for him the next time. 

There will always be a next time. Ellie is his most loyal customer.

The road is still muddy on her way back, the sun stuck behind heavy clouds, leaving the morning wetness yet to dry. She can feel it seeping into the cracks in the soles of her shoes. They’re getting too old, too worn out. Eventually she’ll have to try to find a new pair. Can’t bother trying to trade for one. What if that’s the trade that runs them out of resources she’ll need later for Joel?

Can’t risk it. 

If she can find fucking bullets sitting around somewhere, she can find another pair of size 8 shoes too.

She looks up and realizes she must have been daydreaming, and turned down the wrong street. God, she hates it here. So easy to get turned around. The buildings are similar, the same kind of architecture, the same rustic style. 

But when you’re in the middle of the town, without the high, familiar walls it’s hard to find a landmark to guide your way.

Those walls.

At first they had reminded her of the walls in the QZ. Like a prison. Something to keep people contained. Shut away from the world.

But then, over the years they had changed into something else. They were there to keep the people inside safe, not restrained. There so you could find something to live for.

They were there so you could find home.

Fuck, Ellie missed Jackson.

Dubois wasn’t home.

No where would ever be home.

Not without _her._

Ellie shakes her head, trying to expel the thought, and retraces her steps, making her way back to the stables.

As she’s loading the supplies she traded for earlier into Shimmer’s saddle bags, she can hear someone shouting a name, and it sounds like they’re shouting at her, but it takes her a moment to register, as a young man approaches her, all smiles.

“Hey, Tess, couldn’t you hear me?”, he says, leaning around Shimmer to see her better.

She keeps stuffing things into the bags, sparing him a glance, “Guess I didn’t, sorry…?”

She lets the word trail off, hoping he catches that she clearly doesn’t remember his name.

“Jake,” he says, pointing to his face, unperturbed, “we met when you and your pa first moved here. You traded my pa an awful fine rifle for a buncha food.”

Ellie nods, “Oh… you’re the butchers kid?”

“That’s me.” His smile widens, certainly pleased that she remembers him.

“I’m surprised you remember that”, she says, untying Shimmers reins, hoping this conversation is coming to a swift conclusion. “That was like two years ago.” 

“Welp, he gave me that rifle, I use it nearly every day”, he says like it’s something she should be impressed by as he swings around Shimmer to get in front of her.

“And it’s not like a pretty girl shows up in town every day. A guy tends to remember something like that.”

Jesus, Jake. Read the fucking room.

“Look, Jim?”

“Jake”

“Jake, I gotta get going.”

He seems to deflate a little bit as she moves past him, but still tries, “Well, hey, there’s a dance this week, Thursday night at the church, if you want to go. Not like with me or nothing. Just letting you know.”

She nods, mounting Shimmer, “Yeah, okay.”

As she rides away, her mind reels.

Fucking Jake. This is why she never wanted to come into town. Out in the cabin there was nothing to remind her of what life had been like before.

A dance in a church. Arms wrapped around her shoulders. A lifetime ago. 

That kiss.

Not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about it. 

Not a night that she doesn’t touch her fingertips to her lips and try to remember the taste.

Even if it had meant more to Ellie. 

Even if it hadn’t meant anything to _her._

It was the only thing getting her through most of the time now. The memory of that. 

It helped fight away the other memories.

Even the memory of the last time they had seen each other, the look on her face.

Ellie can remember her lips, and when she does she doesn’t have to remember what she saw in Dina’s eyes the day she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a hidden time jump revealed there near the end. Will be going back and forth with things as chapters go.
> 
> The song I listened to while writing this was "715 - CREEKS" by Bon Iver, off his thoroughly under rated album 22, A Million. Gotta appreciate when an artist just... fuckin' goes for it.


	3. It Can't Be Solace Every Time You Cry

Sitting there, the metal of the old piece of machinery beneath her, the thing she notices most is how much bigger the sky is out here than in town.

Not like it was in New Mexico, out in the desert away from the Sandias, where the vastness of the blue around her could be so immense, so overwhelming. Stretching from one end of the horizon to the other with nothing to break it in between. On a cloudless day back then it was like the ocean was hovering above her, or what she imagined the ocean looked like.

In Jackson, nestled in that valley, the sky seemed like just a pocket of what it could be, cut off by the walls or the mountains beyond them. That had been hard for her to get used to for a long time. It made her feel claustrophobic, shut in, not being able to see the end of the sky. 

Dina thinks she never really got over that feeling until one warm night in early summer, not long after Ellie had arrived in Jackson, when they had laid down on the grass next to each other away from the fire, and Ellie had told her how amazing it was so see all of the stars out there. That back in the Boston QZ, you could barely see any at all. Ellie had pointed out constellations to her, and even though she couldn’t make sense of what they were meant to be, Ellie could, and watching her smile made Dina smile too.

Ellie had looked at her and said she could even see the star’s reflected in her eyes, and she had said it so earnestly that Dina hadn’t even been able to come up with a smug reply. 

She’d just looked for the stars in Ellie’s eyes as well, and found she wasn’t surprised when she saw them. 

Dina had a new appreciation for the Wyoming sky after that, even inside the confines of Jackson.

But that was a long time ago. 

The sky had gotten small again.

Out here though, outside of the valley, it was more like she remembered it. 

\----------

“Clear”, Anya calls out from somewhere inside the house, as Dina walks along the outside, slowly turning the corner, her pistol raised, but finding no threats.

“Clear,” Dina calls back, walking around the back, her eyes scanning the treeline but continuing to find nothing.

An old clothesline hangs on a rack, flapping gently in the breeze. A few garments are still pinned to it, ratted and dirty. It doesn’t look like anyone has been here for a long time. She lifts one of them, what looks like a childs t-shirt, and hopes that’s all there is to find left here of the kid. Finding kids stuff is never easy.

She can hear Anya rustling around inside the house, searching for supplies, and she reaches up to one of the windows and taps on it to get her attention.

After a bit of a struggle with a stuck pane, Anya moves over to another one and opens it, leaning out, and Dina tilts her head away from the house, 

“I’m gonna go check the barn”, she says, heading in that direction.

“You want me to come too?”

“I got it, just keep searching drawers.”

“Dina…”, Anya starts, and Dina can tell she’s about to start reciting patrol rules to her, again.

She smirks, “It’ll be fine, I can _probably_ outrun whatever's hiding in there. Fifty-fifty.”

Anya rolls her eyes and slips back through the window, saying “Alright, just don’t take too long.”

“Okay, mom!”, Dina yells back as she jogs off towards the barn. 

The large door sways lazily on its hinges as the wind blows through the structure, and Dina stands in the middle of it, her flashlight scanning around the walls. Predictably, it was just as empty as the rest of the place. Light streams in through the rafters above her, a few planks in the ceiling having given way to disrepair, but over all, to her untrained eye, the whole building seems to be in good shape.

She walks down the row of pens, running her hand along the wooden retaining rail, and smiles a little, imagining what used to fill them.

A bit later, after they’ve both searched through every nook and cranny and come up generally empty for anything useful, they sit on an old tractor in the field in front of the old house, eating their lunch, Dina looking up at the sky in front of her, the mountains at her back.

“You’re quiet today,” Anya says, nudging Dina with her shoulder, but not pressing. Anya is always good about letting people answer in their own time, if at all.

Dina turns to her, her lips in a half smile, “Yeah, sorry. I’m just… Did I ever tell you my dad owned a ranch?”

Anya smiles and shakes her head, “In Albuquerque?”

“Outside of it, yeah. I mean, before the outbreak. I guess no one really _owned_ anything afterwards”. 

She looks past Anya off at the farmhouse. It doesn’t look anything like the one she was born in. That had been a big one story house, like all the ranches out there. It had been in her family since her grandfather’s father, or at least that’s what her mom had told her once.

She doesn’t actually remember it much. Only little things. They’d left it when she was only six.

She remembers being young there, feeling safe. She remembers the baby calves, and her father showing her how to milk the mother’s early in the morning. She remembers lighting candles in the windows with Talia, and trying to sneak food from the cupboards on the High Holidays.

She remembers her mother smiling there. 

She remembers it being home. 

She remembers the night the men came and her father made her mother take her and Talia and run. She remembers hearing gunshots as they rode away, seeing the flashes going off one after the other in the windows of her home, until they stopped, and she never saw her father again.

After her mother was gone, and then Talia was gone too, Dina had learned to let go of the fear and sadness she had come to associate with those final memories, and somewhere along the way, a farm, a peaceful place of her own, with someone she loved, had become a dream. Something she held onto at night and imagined. There had once been someone she imagined it with.

She’d let go of that dream though. She’d had to. 

Anya turned and looked back at the house and the barn and asked, 

“This place remind you of it or something?”

Dina shakes her head. It was just a stupid fantasy.

“No. Not really.”

\----------

The ride back to town is uneventful, peaceful even. Dina wonders if this route is always like this. She’d never been assigned out this way before. That farm… it really would have been perfect, once.

On the way, mostly Anya talks and Dina listens. 

She thinks her scope is off, all her shots have been veering left. She’s going to talk to Khanh about it, see if he can help her sort it out...

Her younger sister wants to start the group patrols. She knows they’re mostly safe, but she still worries for her. She wishes she could go out on them and watch after her herself. Maybe she could talk to Maria about that, just for a little bit...

Antony wants to try for another baby. Anya isn’t sure. Lucas had only _just_ turned one. And in this world…

Dina smiles and nods, offers a response when it seems necessary, but she’s somewhere else entirely. Something about being out there on that farm just made all those feelings she tries every day to bury rise to the surface.

That could have been her life. It should have been.

She takes the long way home from the stables, walking around the shops, curving down the blocks. She hasn’t been on this street for a long time. 

She stops in front of the familiar house. She doesn’t even know who lives there now. It had been empty for a while after they had fled. Dina would have preferred it stay that way, but eventually a new family had moved in. Seems like they were still here.

Dina tries not to think about the time she spent wandering through the small space of Ellie’s old house that day. The time she spent buried in her sheets, trying to get the last remnants of Ellie’s scent on her. When she left, she hadn’t ended up taking as many keepsakes with her as she had intended, but she had taken some.

She wants to go up to the gate and look at the garage, for whatever reason. She doesn’t know what it’ll bring her. It’s nothing but a garage now. Instead she turns and lets her feet carry her home.

When she opens the door, it’s to the smell of something cooking, and the sounds of soft music playing and Jesse hustling around the kitchen, moving from one counter to another as quickly as his good leg will carry him.

He looks up from his work and gives her a big smile before going back to stirring whatever is on the stove, 

“Hey, you’re just in time. Dinner’s gonna be ready soon.”

Dina takes off her jacket and hangs it up, offering him a much smaller smile in return, looking into the living room, “Elijah in his room?”

“No”, Jesse responds, leaning down to grab something out of the oven, “I left him with my parents...”

He glances up briefly, giving her a hopeful look as she sits to take off her boots, trying to pretend not to have seen it.

“I thought tonight it could just be you and me.”

A wave of guilt washes over her, the same one that comes every time this happens. She’d think by now she’d be able to just ignore it, but it never gets easier to know that she’s hurting him.

She knows he tries.

She knows she doesn’t. 

This was never what she wanted. She doesn’t even think it’s what he really wanted either, but he was still here, trying to make it work.

She nods, and heads up the stairs, 

“I’m just gonna change first. Be back down in a minute.”

She stands in their bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror, trying to see herself and not to at the same time. She’d let her hair grow long, it was getting harder to roll into a bun these days. It would probably have been safer to keep it short for patrols, but she could at least braid it up to make it harder to grab. 

Ellie had always seemed to like it longer, and she tried to pretend that wasn’t the reason she let it grow. 

Jesse liked it long too. Better to think she grew it out for her husband, or for herself, than for a girl she hadn’t seen in years. One she’d probably never see again.

Husband.

_Wife._

The words still tasted strange to her. They didn’t fit right. Nothing about it did. She didn’t even wear the simple ring Jesse had given her when he had proposed. 

She had chosen, blindly so, in her truer moments she knows, cruelly so, to view the whole thing as purely pragmatic. Functional. Made herself believe at first that Jesse saw it the same way.

They had a child together, a son. Elijah deserved everything they could possibly give him, least of all to grow up in a house with two parents. Did it really matter if they loved each other or not? 

And it was true that after Ellie had run, on more than one occasion Dina had found herself waking up again in Jesse’s bed, having gone over in the night, seeking whatever comfort she thought she could find. It was never something she was proud of though. It was just a suture, sewn loose over a wound that would never heal on its own.

Over the years, Dina had come to find no amount of stitches would help it close, and that maybe worse, that for Jesse, this was all too real.

If she had been strong, she would have told him the truth. That she loved him, but she couldn’t _love_ him. Not like he said he loved her. Ellie had taken all of her love with her when she left, and Dina hadn’t even known it until she was gone.

But she didn’t feel strong, not anymore. She wasn’t weak either, but she was tired. She was just so fucking tired.

So two years after Ellie had left, when he had knelt down in front of her with all their friends around, struggling in spite of his injured leg, and asked her to marry him, she had said yes, when she should have said no. Even at that moment she was making herself believe he was just doing it for Elijah, but when he stood through the ache in his leg and kissed her, she knew otherwise, and she had never felt so low.

She had never intended to be someone’s wife in the first place, and whatever notions she’d had before of what it would mean to be one, she wasn’t living up to them now. 

At first it had been fairly easy. She had made the decision to forget her. Forget her and move on. Forget the girl with the red hair and the leaf green eyes. 

To be a good wife. 

That had lasted a few months.

She doesn’t even remember what it was now, but something small, some little negligible thing that she had barely even noticed one morning had reminded her of Ellie. Maybe it was the way someone walked, a pin on a backpack, or the way a girl smiled.

That was all it had taken for her veneer to crack, and from then on, her relationship with Jesse had been slipping away into something just as false.

It seemed like all they did was pretend, and then fight when the pretending got too hard, and then have sex afterwards instead of talk about it. 

For a while Dina thought at least she could give him that. Jesse was a good man. He deserved a wife who loved him every bit as much, every bit as full, as he loved her. But instead he had chosen Dina, so at least she could give him her body even if she couldn’t give her heart.

Until eventually, she found herself not able to do that regularly anymore either, and then all they did was pretend and fight and not talk, and then start all over.

Jesse deserved better. She just couldn’t give it to him.

Sometimes they had a good life together. They had their son and all the happiness he brought. Jesse was still the funny, charming man he had always been, even though he didn’t get around as easily anymore. He’d taken his injury in stride, even though it took him off of patrols and onto the walls. He was just satisfied he could still do his part. 

Sometimes Dina went for a long time thinking they could really make this life work. She could be happy. She could make Jesse happy and let him make her happy too. They could have each other.

She tries to make this one those times and so that night, after dinner, a few drinks, and not much talking, she takes his hand and leads him up the stairs to their room.

He wants to take it slow, but she makes it quick. Perfunctory. 

When it’s done, he kisses her softly and tells her that he loves her, and when she says it back, all she can think is how she hates the feel of his stubble against her cheek.

Afterwards, as they’re lying together, she turns to him in the dark. She wants to be brave, to finally tell him the truth. To stop living like this. But the words won’t come out. 

“Would you…”, she whispers, “... ever want to leave Jackson?”

Jesse turns his head to look at her, and she can’t really see his face, but she can hear the confusion in his voice,

“Why would we do that?”

“I don’t mean like… go to another settlement, just… I don’t know, it’s dumb.”

He reaches down and tries to intertwine their fingers together, and she holds his loosely.

“No, c’mon, I wanna hear.”

She sighs, and looks up at the ceiling,

“Just like… maybe go live out on a farm? Just outside of town or something?”

He laughs softly, “A farm?”

“Yeah, just a small place. Out of the walls, somewhere that’s just ours...”

“No, c’mon, you’re not serious?”, he interjects, laughing again.

She looks back at him, her brow furrowing, and he must be able to sense she’s not joking as he continues.

“I mean… it wouldn’t be safe, right? And Elijah’s friends are here, and my parents are here…”

Dina nods though she knows he can’t see it and squeezes his hand once before letting go, 

“No, you’re right. It was just a weird thought.”

He moves closer to her and leans up on his elbow, 

“Hey, if you want to talk abo-”

Jesse is interrupted by a knock coming from downstairs at the front door, and Dina is happy to have something to end this conversation.

“I’ll get it, you stay in bed,” she says, pulling her clothes back on, and heading out the bedroom before Jesse can reply.

There are a couple more knocks before she gets to the door, and she opens it to find Tommy there, readying to knock again.

“Trying to break the door down or something?”, she says, as he bashfully pulls his hand away, looking like a kid who got caught in the act.

“Hey, darlin’, sorry bout that”, he smiles at her and scratches the hair on his cheek, looking past her into the house.

She looks behind her and then back to him, “You looking for Jesse?”

“Uhh, actually, I was lookin’ for you. Jesse home though?” Tommy’s voice is low, like he’s trying to tell her a secret.

She nods, and he tilts his head back outside,

“Why don’t we go for a walk.”

\----------

The air outside is cool and wet, the smell of rain on the breeze, but it hasn’t yet started. Dina pulls the collar of her jacket up around her neck as the wind picks up a bit. She hadn’t really dressed for coming out.

They’re almost completely down the block before Tommy stops exchanging pleasantries about how Maria and Elijah are doing. He looks down at her, and it’s a look of understanding and pity and of lost patience. She already knows what this is going to be about. 

It’s not the first time they’ve had this talk.

“Dina, you know…”, he sighs, like he’s talking to a misbehaving child. “You know I have my ear to ground around here.”

She looks off down the street, just waiting for him to get to it.

“I know what people are talkin’ about… if people are talkin’ bout things they shouldn’t be talkin’ bout.”

Dina looks back up to him, her hands in her pockets, her eyebrows raised, testing him.

“... askin’ bout things-”

She rolls her eyes, her patience wearing thin, “Just cut the shit, and say what you want to say, Tommy.”

He huffs out the side of his mouth, his hands on his hips,

“Them traders that came through, I talked ta them before they left. They said someone here was askin’ a lot of questions about if they’d ever made any trades with a girl? With a tattoo on her arm? Travelin’ with a man with one leg? That soundin’ familiar ta you, Dina? That ringin’ any fuckin’-”

“Don’t talk to me like-”

“We’ve been over this. They are gone. Long gone. For good reason. I wish it weren’t like that, but it is. You can’t be askin’ after them like that, people are gonna start askin’ questions of their own.”

Dina can feel the anger in her chest start to boil over, 

“I don’t care who-”

“Yeah? Really? Jesse know you’re still tryin’ ta find her?”, he shoots back at her, the accusation in his tone clear.

She steps back on heels and looks away from him, not able to meet his eyes,

“Why does that matter?”

He presses on, “You know, maybe it’s time you put that torch out. Maybe start carrying one fer your husband instead.”

Without even thinking she’s shoves him hard, and follows as he stumbles back, her finger pressed against his chest,

“Who the fuck do you think you are, Tommy?”

To his credit, Tommy just catches himself and stands his ground, letting her push against him, and his face goes back to a more sympathetic look,

“Darlin… it’s been five years. _Five_ years. They could be anywhere now. And shit, It’s better if we _don’t_ know. It’s safer for them.”

Dina drops her hand and rubs her face, looking up at him,

“But you _do_ know, don’t you?”

Tommy throws his hands in the air and turns around, walking in a tight circle away from her as she continues.

“You leave for _weeks._ I’m not a fucking idiot, I know you’re not going on patrols. Not even the new ones take that long. And on your own? Come on, Tommy. Stop lying to me. I need…”

She exhales and steadies herself.

“... She was my… She was my friend.”

Dina knows her eyes are betraying her, just like Tommy’s are betraying him when he puts his hand on her shoulder.

“And he’s my brother. But that don’t change anything about what happened.”

She can keep his gaze and stares down at her feet.

“He can’t come back here, and she won’t come back without him.”

She can only nod weakly, the fight leaving her body. She knows he’s right, as little as she wants to admit it. She still tries to say,

“If you see her-”

“I _don’t-_ ”

 _“When_ you see her...”, Dina swallows past the lump in her throat, trying to think of all the things she’s ever wanted to say to Ellie, coming up with not much at all, “...can you just tell her-”

Tommy waves his hand for her to stop, “Don’t you think… wherever she is… it’s probably hard enough for her without knowing whatever it is yer bout to say?”

The words catch in her mouth, and she stands there silently. Tommy waits a few moments, and then pats her shoulder one more time, stepping back away from her.

“Alright… alright. I’m sorry, I really am. This is just… it’s the way it’s gotta be.”

She nods dumbly as the soft tick of the first raindrop hits the pavement, followed in sequence by the rolling sound of more and more as the clouds open.

Tommy looks up at the sky, “Go home, Dina. Be with Jesse and that boy of yers.” 

He starts heading off down the street back towards the home he shares with his wife, and disappears around the corner, leaving Dina standing there, the rain soaking through her clothes as it falls heavier.

What was she even going to ask him to say?

There was too much and not enough. 

That’s the way Dina felt all the time now.

Too much, and not enough.

\----------

She knows it’s reckless.

She knows it’s dangerous.

But she has to do it. 

She tells him where she’s going, and he sighs, but doesn’t try to stop her.

The road is reasonably well traveled, traders use it often. She considers staying off of it, but decides to use it, to make better time. It’s already been so long. 

She left early in the morning, before most would be up, before anyone would be on the paths just outside of town. 

The trip takes two and half days. She rides hard on the third day, and when the sun is starting to get low over the mountains, she crests over a hill and sees it sitting there in the valley.

Jackson. 

Ellie never thought she’d see it again, and the sight of it and everything it represents steals the breath from her lungs.

She ties Shimmer up in the woods outside of town, and watches the patrols on the wall through her binoculars, noting their patterns.

Once she has them down, she creeps around the west wall, to the old access door, and hopes it’s still as easy to jimmy the lock as it used to be when they would sneak out as teenagers. The lock resists at first, but then she hears that old familiar click. The door swings open, and she slips inside the town that used to be her home.

She walks briskly down the streets, her hood over her face and her hands in her pockets, trying to avoid being noticed. There are more people than she remembered. 

_That’s good,_ she thinks. That helps her to blend in more.

She knows it’s a long shot, but she goes to the first place she can think to find her. Dina’s old house. The navy blue bungalow Ellie had spent so much time in with her before. 

The lights are on inside. Voices and laughter coming from within.

Ellie hesitates for a long time before knocking, her whole body shaking. 

She finally steels herself and knocks.

After a few seconds, the door opens and a young boy, probably 15 or 16 years old, answers.

Ellie looks at him in confusion for a moment, but recomposes herself. It was unlikely Dina still lived here.

“Can I help you?” The boy asks, a friendly smile on his face.

“Uh…”, she scratches her ear, “... I guess Dina doesn’t live here anymore?”

“Oh, no. Sorry. She moved out a while back. Before I moved in, I know that.”

Ellie looks back over her shoulder, not sure what to do, before the boy offers,

“I think she lives over on Fayette, around 6th. Big red house.”

She tries to ignore how her heart beats a little faster at that. Those are the houses for families.

“Oh… okay, um… thanks.” She stammers out as she starts to head back down the steps.

He stops her, “She’s probably not there now, if you’re looking for her. There’s a party tonight at the Bison that we were all about to head over to, she’s probably there. It’s her birthday.”

Ellie is already walking away, giving a curt wave before shoving her hands back into her pockets. 

“Yeah, I know.”

This was a bad idea. What the fuck was she thinking. Just trying to show up, after years, unannounced. 

What was she going to do? What was she going to say? Just be like “Hey, sorry I just ran away with Joel that night, but wanna like… kiss my face forever now? Happy Birthday!” 

She should leave. Slip back out the door and no one would be any wiser that she was ever here. 

She should.

But she doesn’t.

Heading into the busiest part of town is about the dumbest thing she can think of to do, short of going to a party where there are sure to be people who will recognize her, but her legs carry her downtown anyways and she pretends it’s against her will.

Once she gets there, she stands outside the far door of the bar, listening to the sounds inside. It’s loud, the noise of a lot of people talking over each other. Music playing from a live band floats over all of it, twangy and upbeat. Ellie smiles at that. She recognizes the song, one of Dina’s favorites. Ellie can picture Dina requesting, chanting it over and over until the band starts playing. Some things never change.

The thought of seeing her face again, knowing it’s so close is what finally gets her to open the door, and as she does, the music halts and the voices fall silent, and for a moment she’s worried she’s been instantly found out. 

But no one is looking at her. The room is crowded, filled to capacity, and everyone is facing the center, watching something Ellie can’t see. 

She pushes past a few people, keeping her head down, until she can get a clear line on what everyone is looking at. 

Her eye’s fall on Dina, standing there, and for the briefest moment, she wants to break through the crowd and run to her. To wrap her arms around her and kiss her and scream and cry and tell her she never should have left.

But Jesse is there too. 

On one knee in front of her, saying words to her that Ellie can’t hear.

The world falls away as she see’s Dina’s lips form “yes” and it all comes crashing back down again when Jesse kisses her.

Ellie wants more than anything to look away but she can’t. She hammers the image into her mind.

Then a man she recognizes as Jesse’s father walks over to shake Jesse’s hand, and in his other arm, he’s holding a child. A toddler. 

The boy looks just like Jesse. 

And Dina.

And Ellie runs.

The logical part of her brain would tell her not to make a scene, but she can’t access it. She can’t hear anything inside of her telling her to try not to be recognized as she sprints back to the wall and bursts through the door.

She can hear people on the wall yelling down, the spotlights coming around on her as she runs through the open field to the treeline, but she doesn’t stop.

Her and Shimmer ride through the night and into the morning, and she hardly sleeps, hardly allowing Shimmer enough time to rest before they’re out again. She makes it back to Dubois, to the cabin, by mid morning the next day.

She crashes through the door to find Joel reading on the couch, and she paces furiously in front of him, her chest heaving, no words coming out. She feels like a pane of glass that’s been hit, making a small fracture at first but now there’s too much pressure, the veins of it spider-webbing all throughout her body, and all it’ll take is one more push for her to shatter.

Joel sits up, concern painting his face, and he grabs her hand to make her stop moving,

“Ellie, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

The worry in his voice is the final blow, and Ellie collapses down onto him, sobs racking her body and thick, heavy tears falling down her cheeks.

She buries her face in his shirt like a child and he wraps his arm around her, pulling her close, resting his cheek on top of her head.

“Oh, baby girl. It’s okay…”, he murmurs softly to her as she cries, trying to fight against the rush of pain but it only grows deeper the more she pushes back, “... it’s okay.”

All she can say is, “I shouldn’t have gone.”

Over and over.

What she saw there won’t stop playing in her head, flashing in front of her eyes even when she closes them.

“I shouldn’t have gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I had a more interesting song choice to offer, but I really just listened to "715- CREEKS" again. Over, over, and over. Which is ridiculous, because it's only like two minutes long. But it really gets the feel I'm going for.
> 
> THIS CHAPTER WAS A REAL BUMMER THOUGH, AMIRIGHT?!


	4. There Can't Be Songs For Every Soldier

The sky had been grey all morning, the sun barely able to penetrate through the thin cover of clouds that drifted along overhead from the moment it had risen. By the time it reached the middle of the sky, the cover above had turned darker, rolling heavy from the west, coming in over the mountains, and the wind had picked up along with them.

It was still achingly cold, even for March, and the snow had barely let up all season. Wasn’t looking like it was about to start now. 

Just their luck that it was about to hit hard again while they were out on patrol.

The northwest lookout was situated up on a road, overlooking much of the valley. At one point it had been a restaurant, apparently “world famous” for something, but that part of the sign had long since been destroyed, and there was no one left around who knew what it’s claim to fame had once been. 

It was hard for Jesse to imagine anything being “world famous”. Just the concept of that. Something being known around the entire planet. Didn’t matter much now what someone on the other side of the world knew about. How would you ever find out one way or another?

Ellie was leaning against the window, looking out over the valley, watching the storm come in, tapping her foot impatiently. Jesse thought she looked even more agitated than usual. She’d been like this almost all morning, or since he’d left her with Dina at the playground before heading out at least.

Not saying anything, just moping. 

Snarky Ellie he could deal with. Even pissed off Ellie. 

But Jesse hated silent Ellie. Mopy, silent Ellie.

He watched her from his position, laid out on the bar, whistling a song he had heard her playing on her guitar once, purposefully, horrendously off-key.

She’ll crack. He’ll get her there.

One particularly shrill note and she spins around. 

“Oh my fucking god, are you serious?”

Jesse grins, sitting up and spinning his legs off the bar, 

“Oh, so you can hear me. Cause on the ride out here it seemed like…”

She rolls her eyes and softly kicks the leg of one of the tables between them, 

“C’mon, man. I’ve just… got shit on my mind.”

“Wait… _you’re_ brooding? Ellie Williams?

“Shut up.”

He feigns a look of confusion, “Not… not _my_ Ellie Williams.”

She turns back around and looks out the window again, as Jesse hops off the bar, and walks over to one of the tables, sitting down at a chair facing her. 

He’s sure he can guess what’s on her mind. Didn’t take superpowers to figure this one out. If Jesse is honest, it’s not really something he wants to talk about with her. He’d spent a long time trying not to talk to Dina about it, and when they finally did… well. Look at ‘em now.

But… is Ellie his friend or is she not? 

She’d do this for him.

Jesse takes a deep breath,

“If I told you, you can talk to me about it-”

“Fuckin hell-”, she tries to interject.

“-even if it’s Dina related… would that help?”

Ellie looks back over her shoulder at him, and says warily, “... really?”

 _“Fuck_ no!”, Jesse shouts, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Fuck you, man!”, Ellie yells, smacking a salt shaker off a nearby table in his direction.

“I’m kidding!”, he says laughing, raising his hands to protect himself from flying condiments, “Look, it’ll be… awkward, but I was serious. Dina and I are done. You used to talk to me about Cat, why does this need to be so different?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you guys dated for like four fucking years?”

Jesse shrugs, “I mean, when you put it like that-”

“Jesus, can you be serious for like one fucking minute?”, Ellie says walking over, sitting down heavily across from him.

“Dude, it’s not like it was a secret you’ve had it bad for Dina since”, Jesse counts on his fingers, “… fucking always? I don’t know who _doesn’t_ know.”

Worry shoots across Ellie’s face, _“You_ knew?”

Jesse just squints and raises his hands, “Come on. But has that stopped us from being friends? No, because you’ve always been cool about it. You never made a move on her while we were together, did you?”

“No!”, she shouts, looking angry he even asked.

“And I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to just hang out while we were together, or listen to me talk about her. Least I can do is listen to you now, right?”

“But-”

“Don’t make it weird, okay? Just, lay it on me.” Jesse leans forward, resting his arms on his knees, his eyebrows raised, waiting for her.

Ellie hesitates, but after a few moments, she deflates and says, “Fine… so… after you left, we were dancing… and we kissed-”

Jesse shakes his head, “Can’t fucking believe you did that.”

“I _knew_ it!”, she shouts, as he laughs.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Asshole! I’m trying to be like… vulnerable here”, she says, trying to cover her grin.

“C’mon”, he beckons with his hands, urging her to continue.

Ellie stares at her shoes, scuffing the tips of them against the table leg, “I don’t know… I just… I ran after that. I left.”

“Why?”, Jesse snorts.

“Because! Like I said… it was just… Even if I wanted it to happen… We’d all been drinking”, Ellie cracks her knuckles, biting the inside of her cheek, stalling, “Like I said, it was just Dina being Dina.”

“What’s that even supposed to mean?”, he says, rolling his eyes.

“She’s always… I don’t know. She’s just affectionate!”, Ellie stammers out.

“You ever seen her just kiss someone?”, he points out.

“Well, no.”

“You ever seen her do something she didn’t want to do?”

“No, but-”

Jesse looks to the side then back to her, “Then what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Well, I _thought_ I was trying to tell my friend what was bothering me!”, she says, leaning back and crossing her arms, looking away from him. 

“Sounds to me like you’re just looking for excuses to be scared”, Jesse says smugly, a smile on his face. He knows that will annoy her. It would annoy him if someone else said it.

She huffs, still looking away, “Jesus christ, you read that in a self-help book or something?”

He leans towards her, and says earnestly, “Look man, I’m not going to sit here and say that I think everything will just work out if you go for it, but why not just fucking try?”

Ellie scratches the back of her neck, her lip turned up on one side as she nods a little, and she punches him lightly in the arm, 

“Can we talk about you now? Who do you have your sights set on? I know Hannah’s been looking to take her swing for a while.”

Jesse leans back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head, 

“I think I’m just going to be with _me_ for a bit. Find out who _Jesse_ really is.”

“Fuck, you _did_ get a self-help book!”

“I did, yeah. I really think you should read it.-”

Ellie scoffs as she gets up and goes back to the window, looking out as the snow starts to come down hard.

“-I really think you’d get a lot out of it.”

After staring outside for minute, she turns back to him, a look of concern growing across her face, her jaw cocked to the side,

“Hey… shouldn’t they have been here by now?”

Jesse shrugs, “Maybe the snow slowed ‘em down.”

She taps her finger against her holstered pistol as he watches her.

“This lookout is clear. Why don’t we go meet them at the next one. It’s the ski-lift right?”

Jesse shakes his head, he doesn’t like the already decided tone in Ellie’s voice.

“Maria said to meet them here.”

“Come on, _Patrol Leader._ You always do what Maria says?”, she jabs.

“Yeah”, he says it like it’s obvious, “How do you think I became Patrol Leader?”

“Jesse…”

Normally, Jesse wouldn’t break from protocol. Tommy and Joel are big boys. They could take care of themselves. 

But the look on Ellie’s face. It’s the closest thing to actual… well, Jesse wouldn’t say fear. But something close to it, that he thinks he’s ever seen on her. And she’s right, they should have been here by now. It’s not like Tommy and Joel to be late.

So against his better judgement, half an hour later, they’re on the trail overlooking the ski-lift. It was fucking stupid to come out at all. It had practically become a blizzard, pure white-out conditions. Jesse could barely see 20 feet in front of him. 

But despite the weather, he could tell Ellie was in distinctly better spirits. Kept talking about how Tommy and Joel were probably just holed up there, how they just liked hanging out in the lodge and shooting the shit away from town. Probably didn’t even know they were worrying anyone.

It was like she had forgotten _she_ was the person who was worried, now that she was out and could do something about it. She wasn’t the type who could just sit around and wait. She needed something to be aimed at. A clear course of action. How she’d waited for Dina for so long, he’d never know. Be nice if she always had that kind of patience though.

All that new found ease in her posture stiffened when they crested the ridge and the wind carried the sounds of the horde to their ears. It was unmistakable, even though they could only see the outline of the lodge and the lifts through the snow, they could hear the shrieking of what sounded like dozens of the infected things tearing at the doors and windows. 

And distantly, the crack of repeated gunshots echoing, the source getting farther and farther away. Whoever was firing them was on the move.

And before he could stop her, Ellie was too.

\----------

Wall duty wasn’t really so bad, once he had gotten used to it.

Sure, at first, it had been just… 

Well.

So fucking boring.

It certainly wasn’t the same thrill that going out on patrol had been. Not that the thrill was why Jesse had done it in the first place, but he’d be lying if he said it hadn’t been a plus. 

One thing you could never say about patrols was that they were boring. His final one certainly hadn’t been.

But wall duty… well.

He always thought things could have been worse though. He could have ended up in the woodshop with his dad, like pop had always wanted. That would have been the true nightmare. Jesse just didn’t have the skill for it. His talent was with a gun in his hand and friends at his back.

He wouldn’t have been any good to anyone, toiling away down there trying to make furniture or whatever.

At least up here, Jesse could still feel like he was being put to good use. That he was still helping keep Jackson safe. 

Jackson needed all the protection it could get.

\----------

The truck spun around curves, coming dangerously close to the edge of the ridges as it careened down the mountain, but it didn’t slow even for a second.

When one tire almost goes over the side, Jesse bangs on the back window and shouts,

“Slow the fuck down! We’re not going to help anyone if we’re all dead!”

The vehicle doesn’t slow. Ellie doesn’t turn around or even seem like she heard him.

Her eyes are glued forward, her knuckles white as she grips the steering wheel, her shoulders shaking. Jesse can’t tell if she’s in rage or in shock. Her entire body is painted in other peoples blood, her face dripping red.

Tommy bobs helplessly in the seat beside her, still barely conscious, small trickles of blood streaming out from the bottom of the bandage on his forehead.

Jesse is sitting in the bed, his back against the cab, one hand resting on Joel’s chest, partly to help keep him steady and partly just to make sure it’s still rising. He can’t even look at the man’s face, and he’s glad there was a blanket to cover the rest of him. The ruined mess of his right leg had been hard enough to see once.

He wants to keep a hand on the gunshot in his own leg, but the rough bandage they were able to put on it and the tourniquet they’d made from his belt would have to do for now. He didn’t feel right taking his hand off Joel, or letting go of his gun with his other hand.

The truck swerves to avoid a tree, and Jesse curses under his breath, looking back at Ellie again, and that same distant look is still on her face. At least it seems like Tommy is coming to.

Part of Jesse feels like he should be the one driving, even with his hurt leg, but dangerous as it is to have Ellie behind the wheel right now, he knows he couldn’t have trusted her back here either.

She’d have just killed them too, and they need them to talk.

The man hasn’t taken his eyes off the woman the whole ride, her breath growing shallow, her skin becoming more and more pale. Jesse had bandaged her up about as well as he had done himself, but Ellie had… 

It wasn’t likely she was going to make it. 

The woman coughs and more blood comes up, droplets of it coloring both the snow on the bed and Joel’s boots. The man struggles against his bindings as she does, trying to get to her, and his eyes flare, shooting at Jesse. 

“If she dies, I swear to god...”, he growls, but his voice is more pained than his words.

Jesse wants to keep his gun trained on him, but he can't bring himself to raise it. Despite what this stranger and his people had just done, Jesse knows he’s about to watch one of his friends die. 

No one should have to watch that.

“We’ll be there soon”, Jesse says, turning to look forward. He could make out the floodlights of Jackson streaming through the snowy haze, and he doesn’t think he’s ever seen a more beautiful sight.

He looks back down at Joel, as the man slowly lifts one bloodied hand to weakly grip Jesse’s, and Jesse tries his best to smile.

“We’ll be there soon.”

\----------

He didn’t enjoy thinking that he liked it, when she left, or that it made things easier.

But things being the way they were between them, well… sometimes it was nice to just have some space.

It was strange for Jesse to think of it that way, when Dina started taking the longer patrol shifts. First the two or three day patrols, then the five days. Then the trader escorts that could take her away for a week or more. Strange to think of that as getting “space” from his wife. 

It seemed like that’s all there was between them even when she was here, was space. They had been so distant from each other for so long, but somehow that distance still seemed suffocating. Like there was no air in the room when they were together, like any little thing would cause a blow up. It just was so exhausting.

So when she’d mentioned the idea of taking those patrols, it had taken him a bit to even register that he should probably feel guilty for being so excited about it. He shouldn’t want time away from her this badly, but he did.

He worried about her safety, while she was gone, and the relief he felt in his chest everytime she came home was palpable. It was times like that, when he’d see her again, see her holding their son or give him a small smile, that he knew his love for her would never go away.

But he also knew it had changed. 

He’d spent a long time trying to make it real, whatever it was between them, and he knew she had too, for a while at least, but he had realized a long time ago that he was holding onto something that wasn’t really there anymore. 

He just couldn’t bring himself to let go. 

It was Dina. _Dina._

But Dina wasn’t the same, not since Ellie had left. As much as Jesse had wanted to be able to help fill that void that the girl had left behind, he knew it wasn’t possible. He could see it written across Dina’s face nearly every single day.

He tried not to resent Dina for it. Ellie too. Some days he did better at that than others. Some days he just resented himself. 

That’s why it was easier. When Dina went on the long patrols. He didn’t have to pretend anymore. Or he could pretend in a different way. That maybe Dina and Ellie had just run off together all that time ago, and he lived a different life, just him and Elijah.

He’d spent so long imagining being married to Dina when he was younger, and now he spent his time imagining what it would be like to not be.

Weird the way life worked out.

\----------

Elijah cackled, pointing onward, his other hand knotted into Jesse’s hair as he sat on his father’s shoulders, directing him on the way home from daycare.

It had been a long, slow day on watch, the sun beating down through the thin air. Jesse was looking forward to getting off his feet, his leg throbbing something fierce, but when Elijah had shouted _“Shoulders!”_ as they had started walking, Jesse couldn’t say no. In a few years he wouldn’t be able to carry him like this anymore. Gotta get it in while he could.

They waved at people as they passed by, slowly making their way through downtown, getting stopped every few feet it seemed like so someone could say hi to Elijah. Everyone loved the kid. He was always just so happy. 

Jesse was proud that, whatever else was going on, him and Dina had at least been able to do that.

“So, bud, what’d you learn about today?”, Jesse asks as they walk, wincing as Elijah leans back, gripping his hair even harder to hold on.

“Nothin”, the boy says, looking around, waving at someone Jesse doesn’t even recognize.

“Oh yeah? You spent all day learning nothing?”, he smiles, giving the stranger a shrug as they awkwardly wave back to his son.

“John brought a book about dinosaurs”, Elijah says excitedly, his tone changing like he just remembered it.

“So you did learn something.”

“Yeah, I want my name to be Dinosaur!”, he shouts, raising both fists to the sky, and Jesse has to grip both his legs tighter so he doesn’t topple off his back. Elijah doesn’t even seem to notice the precarious situation.

“Dinosaur, huh? Not like… T-rex?” he offers.

“Nope. Just Dinosaur”, the boy says, self-assured.

Jesse laughs, “Well, Dino, I don’t think-”

“Dino _saur”_

“Dino _saur,_ forgive me. I don’t think your mom would go for that.”

Elijah huffs, “Why not? It’s way better than _Elijah”,_ he says his own name like it’s the stupidest word he’s ever heard.

Jesse just smiles, and wonders if he should even tell his son about this. He figured they would one day, but he doesn’t know if it was something Dina had wanted to do herself or not. But the subject came up, so…

“Well… cause your name is special to mom. It was kind of your aunt's name.”

Elijah leans over, and Jesse looks up, seeing his son's face upside down.

“Nuh-uh. Aunt Talia’s name was…”, he stops and thinks for a second,”... Talia.”

Jesse sighs, “Not Aunt Talia. You were named after, uh… your Aunt Ellie.”

“Who’s that?”, Elijah says, straightening himself, pretty unphased by the revelation he has another “aunt”.

“Well… you never met her. She left before you were born. She was uh… she was a good friend of mom’s. Her best friend.” 

It’s been a long, long time since Jesse has openly talked about Ellie, and he can feel a knot forming in his chest when he thinks about her. Not as the girl who still has his wife’s heart. Not as the girl who ran away to protect Joel. 

But as the friend he had lost.

“...mine too, I guess.”

Elijah plays a little beat with his fingers on Jesse’s head, not registering the sadness in his father’s voice,

“She was mom’s best friend like how me and John are best friends?”

Jesse chuckles at that, “Uh… no. Not like how you are John are best friends.”

Elijah keeps drumming,

“Is she gone too? Like Aunt Talia is gone?”

The knot grows tighter, and Jesse has to swallow before he can answer,

“I don’t know, bud… I don’t know. I hope not.”

Elijah stops his tapping and is quiet for a while, not his usual mode, before saying abruptly.

“But _Ellie_ is a girl's name.”

Jesse can only laugh, as they turn onto the sidewalk leading up to their house.

“Well, _Jesse_ is kind of a girls name too, so you’re in good company.”

They spend the evening together, just the two of them, and Jesse is happy. He makes the noodles that Elijah loves, he plays dinosaur with him on the floor, and they watch a movie together, Jesse’s arm around his son on the couch.

Elijah insisted on _Robosoldier,_ chanting it over and over, just “Ro-Bo, Sol-Dier”, until Jesse thought his ears would start bleeding, but eventually he was able to talk the boy down to just the thousandth viewing of _The Land Before Time._ They were going to wear that disc out, then they’d really be in trouble.

He doesn’t even know where Elijah had heard of _Robosoldier,_ probably some of the older kids at the daycare had gotten hold of it, or they themselves had heard about it from even older kids and pretended to have seen it. 

Of course Elijah would want to see it though. Even at almost five years old he reminded Jesse so much of Ellie. Maybe when he was older he’d let him watch it. Much older.

After he reads Elijah a story and stays until he’s asleep, kissing his son gently on the forehead, he quietly goes down the hall to their bedroom and sits down on Dina’s side of their bed. 

He runs his hand over where she sleeps, and is only sad that he doesn’t feel much of anything. He doesn’t feel her absence, he’s not lonely without her here. She just... isn’t there, and that’s all there is.

He reaches over and opens the drawer of the bedside table, and reaches in. He really hadn’t been snooping when he had found what was inside over a year ago. He had been looking for something else entirely, he doesn’t even remember what now. 

He pulls out the photograph he finds there. He never confronted Dina about it, but he had been angry when he first found it. Jealous. But all that was gone now. How could he feel any of those things?

He missed Ellie too.

He looks down at the picture of the three of them together. Dina had taken it the summer before everything had happened. They were all smiling. 

He thinks he knew even then that what he and Dina had was over. That what Dina and Ellie had was just beginning. 

It’s hard for him to feel guilty about it, because if they hadn’t stayed together, they wouldn’t have Elijah, but a part of him wishes they had ended things sooner, so his friends could have been happy, at least for a while. Ellie had deserved that. 

He figures she probably hasn’t known a peaceful day since the last time he saw her.

Looking at her smiling face, Jesse hopes that somewhere, out wherever it is she ran to, she’s still alive. That someday she’ll be able to be happy again.

His face turns to a scowl as he thinks of why she had to go.

For all the hope he has for Ellie, it’s matched in kind by a hope that Joel never knows peace again.

Better yet, maybe that son of a bitch is just dead.

Dead and gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, little shout out to heygaymayday in this chapter with the Robosoldier reference. I can't get enough of their fics, so I wanted to do a little reference to them, small as this one is.
> 
> A whole chapter from Jesse's perspective? Weird. 
> 
> I hadn't really intended when I first started writing this to do a chapter like this, but it felt natural. Things were so different, so much time had passed. I wanted to see things from someone else's viewpoint, besides Ellie or Dina's, even if just for a moment. Also if I'm honest, even I needed a bit of a reprieve from the sadness of the last two chapters.
> 
> Also, hey, who doesn't want to see Jesse just getting to be a dad. He would have been a good one.
> 
> I didn't listen to any one particular song while writing this, instead a whole album, "Dark All Day" by Gunship. Does not fit the tone of the chapter in the least, but it's amazing. 
> 
> AND the title track features Tim Cappello, Tina Turners saxophone player, so... call back to Shaken by a Low Sound? Kind of?


	5. I Hope to Think of This as Better Times

Her shadow stretched long in front of her as she made her way down the main road, beelining for the bar. She hadn’t planned on making the stop, but the day had been long. Exhausting. Just like the one before, and the one before that.

She had responsibilities, things that still needed to be seen to, but they could wait for a while. An hour or two.

Just one drink. Surely, she’d earned herself that.

It’s quiet inside, a thin blue haze high in the small room, accompanied by the smell of tobacco. Not as many people in there as she was expecting. The ones that are keep to themselves, nursing drinks at the scattered tables against the walls, a couple others at the bar. The sun won’t be down for a while. There’s a good chance that most of the locals are still working. Sowing the fields just outside of town. Coming back in from patrols.

It’s good. Better, really. She isn’t much looking for company. 

When she sits down on the cracked leather of one of the bar stools, an older woman, heavy set and slow in her gait comes around from one of the few other patrons, and gives her the up and down, like she’s assessing her,

“What can I get you, hon?”

“Just, um… do you have Quinns? Irish?”

The woman laughs, practically a chortle, and it’s not an unpleasant sound. 

“Sorry, guess the supply truck musta missed us this week. You know these damn distributors, can never get ‘em on the phone.”

Her lip curls into a small grin. Guess not everyone here is bad.

“Just a bourbon, whatever you got. Neat is fine.”

“Comin’ up,” the older woman says with a wink, and goes about pouring a dark brown liquid into a tumbler out of a ceramic growler she pulls from under the bar.

She should have asked for a splash of water too. The whiskey isn’t exactly quality. It’s far too strong to simply enjoy. She imagines it’s probably distilled by someone here in town, and they had charred the inside of the barrel within an inch of its life. It burns in her mouth and it burns down her throat. The taste is harsh and acrid and it bites like when smoke touches your tongue, but all things considered, she’s certainly had worse. Out at the bonfires, in the jugs that would get passed around by old friends. Stuff they’d make themselves, with barely anything close to the right equipment. Could hardly even be called whiskey with a straight face, and the danger of making it was only matched by the danger of drinking it. 

But they were young, and the world could kill them at any time. Why not take that risk too? It was the small things like that that made them feel like they were given control. Like they were alive and that life belonged to them and only them, and that was a beautiful thing, even if it took risking it to feel it.

After she finishes, she decides on another. Maybe just the one more. This one she does order with a bit of water in it. On ice really would have been her preference, to smooth out the taste more evenly, but she doesn’t have the balance to trade for it. Around here, ice is worth more than the drink to put it in. 

It’s not like Jackson. Refrigeration wasn’t easy to come by. There isn’t a dam nearby to provide electricity for the whole town. She didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what a luxury that was. How lucky the people who lived in Jackson were to live the way they did. 

It makes her wonder why they even bother setting up here, with Jackson so close. It’s less than a hundred miles. Word of the community had long since reached the coasts, let alone here. It could even be a relatively safe trip, if you knew what you were doing and didn’t try to make it in the winter. Guess some people just aren’t the “big city living” types. 

Ellie understands, though she misses it every day still. But there isn’t room for her there anymore, so she doesn’t exactly mind that Dubois exists. If they hadn’t ended up here, it would have just been somewhere else, and they needed to be somewhere close enough that Tommy could get to from time to time.

She’s sitting with her back against the bar, her elbows propped up against it, slowly sipping the last dregs of her bourbon, trying to imagine it tastes better than it does when more people start trickling in. They look like they must be the farmers. They have a different kind of tired look about them than patrollers do.

Most of them look that type. Men with broad shoulders and big hands and weary faces. Women with sun darkened skin and fingers blackened from working in the dirt. There’s an ease with which they all speak to each other, so friendly and familiar. Someone must have said something funny, because a few of them all start laughing. Ellie can hardly remember what that’s even like with someone other than Joel. 

Watching these strangers is like having a word caught on the tip of her tongue. Like trying to remember something she knows but can’t quite grab hold of. She had this once, she thinks. Ease and comfort. Laughter and camaraderie. 

Shit like this is why she doesn’t come into town more. She doesn’t need any extra reminders. It just makes her sharply aware that while she’s not alone, she is lonely.

God, she’d love to not feel lonely.

As the group of people break up and move to separate tables, her eyes fall on one of them she hadn’t noticed yet. A young woman, quietly making her way to a stool on the other end of the bar, across from her, away from the people she came with.

The girl’s hair is loose, falling around her face and shoulders, and it’s not at all like Ellie’s. It’s long, wavy and thick, and closer to orange than the deep auburn of her own red hair. She has bright blue eyes, and skin that seems like it’s naturally pale, but has been tanned from working the fields. Freckles heavily dot her face and her bare arms, and the way her cheeks turn up exposes small dimples when she smiles shyly, noticing Ellie looking at her. 

She glances back up a few times, and Ellie doesn’t look away.

Later, when Ellie has her pressed against the door of the girl’s room, with her hands on her wrists above her head, her teeth on her neck, and the girl’s breath short in Ellie’s ear, the girl says to her in a stilted voice, 

“I’ve never… I’ve never done this bef-”

Ellie pulls her lips back just long enough to say, her own voice low, 

“It’s okay..”, one of Ellie’s hands dipping down under the girls leg and hitching it roughly up around her hip, 

“...I have.”

\----------

Ellie never stays, not through the night. 

She has Joel to look after, or at least that’s the excuse she uses, when she bothers using one at all. After the first time, she had just left. She thinks she would have been content to not know who’s taste was on her tongue, but as she opened the door to leave, the girl called out softly from the bed, and said her name was Jenny. Ellie offered her cover of “Tess” back in return, and walked out into the night.

When she got home, Joel was already asleep, and she was thankful for it. The door to her bedroom was barely closed before she pushed her back against it and her fingers found their way under the waistband of her jeans. Standing there, her other hand covering her mouth as she whimpered into it, she quickly worked herself to the relief she didn’t find with Jenny, thinking of wavy hair not bright red but black, and eyes not cool blue but warm brown. Afterwards, she had fallen sideways onto her small bed, and had felt just as pathetic as every other time she hadn’t been able to come without thinking of her.

She thinks the whole thing was a wasted experience. Just opening up the chasm inside of herself wider, letting nothing but more loneliness in, and decides she’s doing well enough on her own.

But a month later, she’s back at the bar, and when Jenny walks in later, Ellie smiles at her. A few drinks later, Jenny guides Ellie back to her room again, a place identical to all the rooms next to it. Apparently it used to be a motel, pre-outbreak. A place where travelers would stay. People just passing through. It feels almost ironic to Ellie.

Then it happens again, and again. 

Sometimes Ellie will make her way to town frequently, most of the time she won’t, but Jenny always seems to be waiting for her, though Ellie doesn’t understand why. Whatever it is she would call what they’re doing, it isn’t reciprocal. Jenny doesn’t have any control. Ellie just comes and goes as she pleases, and Jenny just watches her as she leaves.

Each time Ellie finds herself between her legs she’s happy that Jenny calls out a name that isn’t actually hers, because even though she never lets Jenny slip between hers in return, Ellie knows she’d just call out another name too.

It’s better this way, somehow more honest in it’s dishonesty. The only thing she has to lie about to Jenny is her name, because she doesn’t tell her anything else at all. Jenny will still hold her. Still find her lips in the dark. She wonders if she could find it in herself to cry, if Jenny would still smile the way she does and wipe her tears away. 

But she doesn’t let those thoughts linger. There’s nothing real to feel, no room for those feelings to grow even if they somehow took root.

So for years, she finds Jenny when she needs her, and leaves before the sun rises.

\----------

Dina can’t stop her heel from tapping furiously against the linoleum, her arm resting heavily on her knee vibrating her whole body with the movement.

She’s forcing herself to stare at a single spot across the wide hall from her, where the floor meets the wall. To try to study all the little patterns and cracks. Every little speck of dirt and the shape of the snowy shoe prints nearby, slowly turning to murky water as they melt.

Any small thing to keep her mind occupied. 

Anything to keep her eyes off the door at the end of the hall.

She barely even notices the swishing sound of the flame coming to life anymore. The grind of the gear against her leg. The snap of the lid as she flicks the lighter shut again. She can’t cease the movement, just repeating it over and over compulsively, rubbing the same spot on her thigh raw.

She feels a hand come and close over hers, stopping her, and Jesse’s soft voice next to her,

“It’s going to be alright…”

She tongues the inside of her mouth under her lips, and nods vacantly, her eyes never leaving the spot she’s chosen. When Jesse lets go of her hand, her thumb rubs incessantly against the smooth metal surface of the lighter and she has to consciously try not to light it again.

Dina doesn’t know if it’s hours or minutes or seconds that pass while they sit on the vinyl covered bench against the wall. Time doesn’t seem to matter. It all feels infinite and meaningless. 

She should have been there.

She should have _fucking_ been there.

The sound of the door opening barely registers to her as something real, nor do the few quiet steps taken out of it. Jesse has to shake her shoulder to get her attention, and when she finally looks up, Ellie is there, and the sight fills Dina’s heart and breaks it at the same time.

The front of her jacket and her jeans have turned from whatever color they were to a dark, muddy red. Even the hoodie underneath has been soaked. It’s hard to even say her clothes have been splattered with blood; it’s simply everywhere, like she fell face first into a pool of it. 

It looks like someone had tried to wipe her face down with a wet towel, but the traces of violence were all over it. It was still streaked across her, and the gore had settled around the rims of her eyes and her hairline, the scar on her eyebrow, and it’s memory was tinting the entirety of her face pink. A dark angry bruise stretches across the length of her neck, running from ear to ear, and there’s a collection of tiny crescent shaped cuts dug into the sides at the edges of them.

As Dina runs to her, every footfall in slow motion, none of that is what frightens her. Ellie has come back from patrol looking rough before, even if never this bloodied. It’s the look in Ellie’s eyes, the haunted, nowhere look that takes the breath from her lungs.

When their bodies collide and Dina’s arms wrap around Ellie’s shoulders, it’s like that was Ellie’s cue to let whatever strength she had left leave her body, and Dina has to reposition, putting her arms under Ellie’s to slowly lower her to floor, as the other girl’s legs give out underneath her.

Dina doesn’t try to say anything. There’s nothing that can be said at all. She just tightens her grip fiercely, each finger clutching harder against Ellie’s back, reinforcing the unspoken promise that she’ll never let her go. She pulls Ellie’s head against her chest as Ellie screams into her shirt, and she swears it to them both, hoping Ellie can hear it.

When Ellie’s lungs finally give out and her voice breaks, the feral screams sink into a low cry, tears rewetting the blood, and Dina and Ellie kneel there together on the clinic floor, holding each other as it stains them both.

\----------

Dina’s not sure she could explain how it started if someone were to ask her.

Something’s just don’t really need explanation, she supposes.

One day after patrol she had gone to the Tipsy Bison, just to have a drink before going home. Just one. It was a late patrol and Jesse had told her that morning he had planned on taking Elijiah to have dinner with his parents, so she had time. 

She had really planned on just the one.

Just one drink.

\----------

“Oops!”, Dina exclaims, slamming the empty glass on the bar upside down a full two seconds before Cat sets hers back down as well, some of the liquid still skimming around the bottom of it.

“Two more, please and thank you,” she calls without a look to Seth, smiling at the girl across from her.

Cat licks her lips like she’s trying to get the taste off her tongue,

“I think you’ve got a serious problem,” she coughs but finishes the last bit of her drink as Seth slides two more whiskeys to them, much more aggressively than is necessary, causing some of the liquid to pitch over the rims.

Dina starts to say something, but Cat is already leaning around her and blows the miserable bastard a kiss. Dina turns in time to see him grimace and go back to other customers.

“My only problem is you can’t keep up”, Dina smirks, picking up the new glass in front of her, “When did you become such a lightweight anyways?”

“I think your memory is going, brown-eyes”, Cat says, running her finger along the rim of her glass, “I was never much of a drinker.”

“Bullshit! We were at all the same bonfires. You can’t lie to me.”

Cat grins, “I was just there to scope out the talent. It was you and Ellie who were always getting fucking wasted-”

Dina almost chokes on her drink hearing the name spoken out loud. No one talks about Ellie. No one. Sometimes Dina felt like she was the only one who even remembered she had ever existed. But here Cat was, with her name falling off her tongue so casually. 

Dina half expects the noise of the establishment to come to a halt, and for everyone inside to turn and stare at them, but business carries on as usual, and Cat just keeps talking.

“-or did you forget all the times I had to drag both of you back home?”

“Y-yeah… Guess I did”, Dina forces a smile, trying to bring herself back to the ease of the conversation before.

Cat narrows her eyes knowingly, and Dina knows she can sense that something she had said threw her off kilter, but she doesn’t press. 

After they finish their drinks and Dina thinks she has recovered, Cat produces a joint from her shirt pocket and pumps her eyebrows, and Dina hardly even thinks twice.

She can’t remember the last time she was in Cat’s room, still in the house she shares with her mom. It has to have been the better part of a decade now. Somehow though, it’s almost exactly like she remembers it. The hung paintings, the mural wall, the deep pink and red curtains over the windows. It’s like being in a time machine.

Dina had spent so much time here, those first few years she had been in Jackson. Her and Cat had never been _close,_ but they had been good friends, until… well. Until Dina let what she didn’t know until much later was jealousy get in the way of their friendship.

It probably could have stayed that way forever, if Cat hadn’t been there tonight. If Seth had been giving Dina lip and Cat hadn’t come over and scared him off in the way only she seems capable of, and sat down next to her. 

Dina had spent so long hating her. Feeling envious of her. Wanting what she had. But neither of them had Ellie now, or ever would again. Why hold on to that anymore?

They sit on Cat’s bed next to the open window like they’re teenagers again, and blow the smoke out into the night, comfortably silent.

Dina had lit the joint with the same flourish of her lighter that she always did now, and when Cat asked her how she learned to do it, she just said her old friend Eugene taught her, instead of the truth. She didn't want to tell Cat she had spent hours in her room, practicing the maneuver. Planning to nonchalantly show it to Ellie at some point. She knew Ellie would have liked it, would have been impressed even if she didn't say so... but she never got the chance to see.

Dina looks over at the tattoo gun, resting in it’s open case, and Cat’s eyes follow her over as she twirls the dwindling joint in her fingers.

“I finished this one a while ago,” Cat says, running the two fingers holding the joint down the back of her left forearm. 

Dina looks over to see the form of a stylized, hunched skeleton, missing teeth, a field of black behind it, it’s hand coming up in a way that looks like it’s pulling at Cat’s skin.

Dina chuckles, and takes the joint from her, “That’s, uh, pretty fucking intense, dude.”

She takes a drag as Cat just leans forward, elbows on her knees and shrugs,

“I guess. The world is pretty fucking intense. Why shouldn’t I be?”

Dina smiles at that and blows the smoke out of the window. 

Cat seems to consider something for a second and then leans back a little and lifts her shirt in the middle to about half way up her torso,

“I’m working on this too, but it’s a long way from being done.”

Dina has to swallow hard as she looks at Cat’s handiwork. At the bottom of her sternum is the outline of a flower in full bloom, and radiating out from it are what looks like beaded strings of jewelry, two framing the underside of Cat’s breasts, with others hanging loosely about them.

“Thats, um…”, Dina has to peel her eyes away, finding something else in the room to look at, “... that’s really cool.”

Cat seems oblivious to how it’s making Dina feel, and traces the lines of it for a moment before dropping her shirt back down,

“Thanks, you have no idea how hard it’s been to do. Working upside down, and having to curl my wrist all weird.”

“Yeah, uh… must be really tough.”

“Well, when you’re this good at what you do-”, Cat says slyly, taking the joint back and inhaling the last puff before putting it out, “-really anything is possible.”

Dina can feel the heat rising in her cheeks, a tingling sensation in her fingertips. It’s just because she’s drunk. It’s just the weed.

Cat looks back over at the gun, “You ever think about getting one?”

“Um, I’m pretty sure my sister would come back to life just so she would kill me if I did”, Dina says, toying with her bracelet.

“I’ll bet Jesse would like it”, Cat says, grinning.

Jesse. Dina had barely thought about him at all tonight. 

She doesn’t even know why she says this, why it’s Cat she tells it to,

“I think he’s going to propose.”

Cat slaps her leg, “Well shit, congratulations, beautiful!”

Dina nods, looking away while she pulls at the leather straps on her wrist, her face and her voice not able to match Cat’s enthusiasm, 

“Yeah… thanks.”

Cat leans forward again, her face close to Dina’s, and she’s silent for a few moments, seeming to choose her words, before she nudges under Dina’s chin with her knuckle, urging her to meet her eyes.

“Hey… she isn’t coming back”, she says softy when Dina finally looks her in the eyes, “Don’t wait around-”

She isn’t sure why she does it. 

Dina leans in to press her lips to Cat’s. 

She wants to think it’s just the drinks. Just the weed. But she knows that really she wonders if maybe Cat might remind her of Ellie. Might taste like Ellie did. Might feel like Ellie did. They had been together once. Maybe this is the closest she’ll ever get again.

Cat doesn’t pull back, she only gently puts her hand against Dina’s mouth before their lips meet, and smiles sympathetically at her,

“And… I’m not her either.”

Dina sighs heavily, embarrassment washing over her, and leans against the wall, closing her eyes. 

“Cat, I’m so sor-”

Cat leans over with her, “Hey, don’t be”, she says sweetly, grabbing both her hands, “I miss her too.”

Dina nods, her eyes still shut. 

“Fucking Ellie Williams,” she says against the hard surface.

Cat smiles.

“Ellie Fucking Williams.”

\----------

It’s been a while since she’s been to town.

A while longer than that since she’s been to see Jenny. 

But this time of year always makes her think of Dina. The spring when everything is in bloom. When they first met.

If she’s honest, there isn’t a time of year that doesn’t make her think of Dina. Not a type of weather or a time of day. For her, Dina is there when the day rises and falls. She’s in the sun and the storms. 

It’s easier just to think in terms of specific memories, or else Ellie starts to feel herself get swallowed up in the minutia of absence.

So, like she had for the last couple years when those thoughts became too much, she went to the bar in town, and waited for Jenny's shift to end.

And she waited, and waited.

Long past when Jenny would have usually been there.

After a while, she finishes the last of her drink, and heads to Jenny’s room at the motel.

When she knocks on the door, she hears talking inside, and a brief bit of laughter before the door opens, and Jenny’s eyes go wide.

“Tess”, Jenny says, her voice low, as she steps outside, closing the door behind her, “what are you doing here?”

Ellie looks over her shoulder at the closed door, smiling, “Not the welcome I usually get, Freckles.”

Jenny runs a hand through her hair, looking embarrassed at the nickname she usually blushes at, “I haven’t seen you in months.”

“That’s not so different from usual, is it?”, Ellie says, leaning back against the railing behind her.

“Look, I…”

Ellie taps her foot. Voices inside. This demeanor she’s never seen on Jenny before. She knows where this is going, and she’s not even sure she wants to stick around to hear the rest of it.

“... this has been great. _You’ve_ been great, but I… I dunno Tess, I…”

“Just say it”

“I wanted something real. I, um… I met someone. He’s inside now.”

Ellie nods her head back and forth. It was bound to happen eventually. She didn’t expect Jenny to just hang around and wait for her forever. She couldn’t expect that.

“He’s a good ma-”

“That’s great”, Ellie cuts her off, “I’m glad. You should go be with him.”

Jenny’s eyebrows knit together, and she looks like Ellie hit her across the face, 

“Tess, we can talk about-”

But Ellie is already walking away when she says over her shoulder to the only other person she had left, 

“I said go be with him.”

\----------

The high-pitched whine of the tattoo gun kicks up again, and Dina winces as she feels it start to prick into the tender skin around her ribs, biting down on her lip as it goes over the bones.

Even after one session, and a lifetime of injuries, including being actually stabbed, this still hurt. This tiny little needle.

“I have to say,” Cat smirked, pulling back to softly wipe away some of the excess ink before going back in, “this is turning out great. The artist is very talented. She should be commended for her skill. Given awards.”

“Maybe if she ever _finishes”,_ Dina jabs, fighting back a flinch.

“Masterpieces take time. I’m sure you could get someone with a shiv and a sharpie though if you’re in a rush…”

Dina tries to smile, “Guess I’ll just have to be patient.”

“Guess so.”

“Can you just distract me?”, Dina pleads. She feels like such a wimp, leaned over the chair, her side exposed, like she’s about to start crying.

Cat puts her tongue between her teeth and smiles, working away at the design, 

“How’s that married sex? You still getting it regular?”

Dina has to keep herself from laughing, and would have reached back to smack Cat’s arm if she wasn’t in the middle of tattooing her, 

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Are _you_ fucking? Be serious”, Cat grins back at her.

“What about you and Astrid?”, Dina and Jesse’s sex life, such as it is, is something she desperately does not want to talk about, _“You’re_ the newlyweds, shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“Oh, no concerns there. Don’t you worry about us”, Cat grins her little grin again, “I _would_ be worried about how sturdy that chair you’re in is.”

“Damnit, Cat, when I can’t move?”, Dina shouts, which only encourages the other woman further.

“I’m just saying, we did a number on it-”

“Please stop talking.”

“-really tested it’s construction.”

Dina had thought the back of the chair seemed pretty loose when she leaned against it. Guess now she knew why.

She gingerly rested her arms on the back of the chair, and then her chin on top of them, and considered if now was the time. She’d been thinking about it a lot, almost since her and Cat had become friends again. Cat would be the only person who would know, and every fiber of Dina’s being wanted to know as well, even after all this time. And hell, the subject had come up. There really wouldn’t be any natural time to ask, might as well just try now.

“Can I ask you something…”, Dina pauses for a second trying to figure out the right way to put it, landing lamely on, “... kind of personal?”

“I’m an open book, man. Ask away.”

Dina is happy she doesn’t have to be looking at Cat, but for some reason closes her eyes anyways, diving in,

“What was it like, being with Ellie?”

Dina feels the needle pull away from her skin for a second, a slight pause that seemed unplanned, before it goes back, and Cat asks,

“You mean dating her?”

“No”, Dina says tentatively, “being _with_ her.”

“Oh”, is all Cat says for a moment, as she stops the gun, and Dina feels her wipe at the design, and then Cat wheels the chair she’s in around in front of Dina to face her.

She’s expecting Cat to tell her she doesn’t want to talk about it. Or that Dina shouldn’t be asking about it, for any number of reasons. But instead, Cat just puts her chin in her hand, and looks up at the ceiling for a minute before saying,

“Ellie was… complicated.”

Dina looks around the room, trying not to seem _too_ interested.

“What do you mean?”

Cat smiles to herself, like she’s remembering something she hadn’t thought about in a long time. Dina supposes that’s probably exactly what she’s doing.

“She uh… she was very giving-”

Dina had always imagined she would be.

“-and she was… she was _strong.”_

The way Cat says it sends a shiver through Dina’s body, and she remembers all the times she had felt that strength for herself. A hand pulling her up a ledge on patrol. A hug that lingered a bit too long to just be friendly. Only once getting to feel it the way she had always wanted, when Ellie had pulled her closer at that dance, her arms around the small of her back. 

For a moment, Dina feels like she can feel that pull again as Cat talks.

“I felt safe when we were together. I trusted her, but…”

With the hesitation, Dina turns to look at Cat,

“It took her a long time to trust me. I don’t know that she ever really did, not physically, looking back on it now. She, uh…”

Cat chuckles to herself, and Dina can see her tongue working against the inside of her cheek while she shakes her head.

“What?”, Dina asks.

“Ah, fuck it”, Cat says, “It’s been the better part of a decade, and she’s not even around anymore, I guess I can tell you now.”

Dina just waits, her eyebrows raised.

Cat sighs, and laughs to herself again, “She, _fuck,_ she only had like… one, just one _real_ orgasm when we were together, and when she did...”, Cat buries her face in her hands for a second, _“fuck,_ this is so embarrassing… She said _your_ name.”

Dina feels like her mouth has fallen open, and she can’t think of anything to say. She knows she should… what? Apologize, or something, even all these years later, but she just sits there, staring at Cat, agape. 

Cat just shrugs, and smiles wistfully, “We broke up that night, as you can imagine. I have my dignity.” 

“Cat,” Dina says, finally finding her voice, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

“Eh, it was a long time ago.”

“Still…”

Cat rolls back to check on the tattoo again, “Don’t get me wrong, I hated you for a long time after that. _Hated_ you. But it wasn’t your fault. I don’t think it was Ellie’s fault either, really. You love who you love. Can't control it even if you want to.”

Dina can only sigh and nod. How true that was.

Cat inhales a deep breath, and smiles up at her. “I think you’re all done, wanna see?”

Dina had almost forgotten she was there for the tattoo, the only thing she’s able to think about is Ellie’s strong hands and her voice rapturously calling out her name.

All she can force out is a soft, “Sure”

She looks into the small mirror that Cat provides, and smiles at what she sees there.

Drawn into the skin along her rib cage is an intricate hamsa, a flower-burst behind the traditional open eye on the palm. It’s beautiful and amazingly well done, coming as no surprise to her given the skill that Cat has cultivated over the years.

She hadn’t even planned on getting one at all. Talia had always told her that any sort of body modification was against their religion. But as time wore on, she felt like she needed to do something to change herself, to put a new mark on her body that wasn’t a scar. Something she could look at on her and feel something hopeful. Like she could change things just because she wanted to. 

So she had come to Cat and asked to have this done, and Cat had willingly obliged, hadn’t even wanted to charge her, though Dina had paid anyway.

After the first session, though, looking at the line work of it, she felt like the design she had chosen was incomplete. It didn’t represent everything she wanted, and she knew then that her original justification hadn’t been all there was to it. 

She wanted to brand herself, even though it was as deep a betrayal of Jesse as she could imagine. She wanted Ellie in her skin. She wanted Ellie to be a part of her.

She worked up all the courage she could, “I love it, but...”, she says reaching into her pocket, pulling out a slip of paper she’s sketched the addition onto, “I was thinking we could add this to it.”

As soon as Cat unfolds the paper, she sighs sadly. Dina knew she’d know exactly what it meant. There’s no way she of all people could misunderstand it.

Without taking her eyes off of the new design, Cat asks, “Are you sure? Are you _really_ sure?”

“Yeah”, Dina nods, “I am.”

“You want me to just… freehand these?”

Dina closes her eyes and rests her head back on her arms, settling in.

“I trust you.”

With one last long sigh, Cat pins the sketch to the board next to her, and picks up the sterile marker from her kit.

Dina can’t see what Cat does as she feels the tip of the pen moving about the sensitive skin on her side, but in her mind, she pictures the pair of moths' wings, unfurling themselves from behind the hamsa, and she smiles to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter fought me for quite a while, hence the delay, but hopefully you all enjoyed it.
> 
> A fellow author, Ehefic, helped me work through some bits, and there's a little homage to their wonderful "Jackson Days" fic in the description of Cat's room here. If you haven't read "Jackson Days", you are doing yourself a disservice. It's amazing, the definitive pre-canon series.
> 
> The skeleton tattoo on Cat's arm is inspired by a famous Japanese woodblock print called "Takiyasha and the Skeleton Spectre", if you're curious what that looks like. 
> 
> The songs I listened to while working on this were alternatingly "Youth" by Daughter and "Shallows" by Daughter. No wonder I write such bummers, huh?


	6. I Guess I Never See the Signs

The air steams out of Japan’s nostrils, blowing past Dina’s face as the cold air whipped around her, the sounds of his angry, snorting breaths and heavy, rapid hoofbeats lost somewhere on the wind behind them. Her hands gripping his reins tight, and her body hunched low, she ignores the frigid sting in her eyes and the sharp bite on her cheeks as branches reach out onto the overgrown path and strike at her face.

She can feel one, covered in ice, snap across her forehead, and she’s faintly aware of a small trickle of warm blood making its way down, wetting her eyebrow before it turns away over the curve of her face. 

It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t even move to wipe it away.

None of it matters. 

All that does matter is what she has to do. Where she has to go. How fast Japan can carry her. 

She knew she was pushing him too hard. Her flashlight isn’t strong enough to project far enough in front of them, so the only light they have is the moon and the stars, and the clouds are doing their best to rob them of even that. What meager trail there might be is mostly covered in snow, so she’s guiding along just by breaks in the trees and the brush, and the terrain is uneven, rocky and dangerous. One slip on a patch of ice or a loose stone and Japan could fall, maybe break something, and she’d be stranded out here. All of this would be for nothing.

But she doesn’t slow, not for a second. She can’t.

She pushes her heels even harder into Japan’s sides, urging him even faster.

Distantly, in some far off place of her mind she’s aware of Astrid following, back out in the snowy dark far behind her, trying her best to match her pace. When they’d left, Dina hadn’t even waited for Astrid to saddle up before taking off, and she’s not sure the other woman had ever even come close to catching up to her. 

She can’t care about that.

She would have gone alone if she’d had to. 

In this moment, she’ll do whatever she has to.

There was just this one lead.

This one chance.

As she brings him roaring around the corner of a pass, Japan rears back violently, nearly throwing her, a sheer drop yawning out into nothing directly before them. She pats his neck, trying to calm him, as he quickly trots around in a tight circle, and she looks out over the edge. The path beside them starts twisting down the cliffs, and from this vantage, there’s a clear view out into the valley below as the cloud cover above parts for a short moment and the pale glow of the half moon shines down. 

There, briefly illuminated in the distance, she can make out her destination, and despite the years of training that warn her to be cautious, she spurs Japan on again, and they tear down the trail, gravel and thick white powder kicking up behind them.

Let whatever’s waiting down there come.

There was nothing she could do before.

There’s nothing that can stop her now.

\----------

It’s a warm, dry morning, the sun already clearing out the dew on the grass. There hasn’t been any rain in a while, and the ground, the road, is likely sturdy enough. It’s as good a day as any to give it a shot.

He goes about his usual morning routine, or what it is now. Holding his leg in both hands, slowly working the tissue with both thumbs until the deep ache stills. Dragging himself out of bed and onto the floor, he does his usual set of exercises, as best as he can. The push ups are the hardest part. Something in his left arm had just never healed right. Maybe there had been a break that they hadn’t discovered, or a torn tendon that reattached with too much scar tissue. Whatever it was, he had to lean unevenly on his right side to make it work, which also presented its own issues with most of that leg gone as well. But he worked through it. You keep finding a way to keep going.

That’s what he had told Ellie, once.

Even though everything else he had said to her then had been a lie, he had meant that part. More at that moment than ever. 

He had finally found his reason.

He doesn’t wake Ellie before he goes, just scrawls out a note for her, telling her not to worry. She probably will anyways. Seems like that’s all the girl does these days. She had come in late the night before. He wonders if she thinks he doesn’t notice, but he always does. He’s not above doing his fair share of worrying, himself. 

On the counter he finds a new paperback, the pages yellowing, dog ears everywhere. It’s another Cormac McCarthy, one he’s never read before. His lip turns up in a crooked smile at that. Ellie knows those are some of his favorites. He wonders where she even keeps finding them.

He steps out of the cabin into the morning air, and breathes it in, deep and pure. It was easier making it around now that Karlson had been able to track down a second crutch. Trying to make the trip on foot for anything other than necessities with just the one before had been hell. 

They’d been practicing with him riding Shimmer again, but he wasn’t feeling all that confident about it. Not on his own. Something about riding just didn’t click anymore. His whole body didn’t respond to him the way it used to, and he guessed he shouldn’t be surprised he couldn’t get another creature to respond right either. 

So he makes the half mile trek on foot, occasionally cursing to himself about the necessity of their living situation. It would have been safer in the town itself, but Tommy was known around these parts. They had needed somewhere that he could get to without drawing any attention. If Tommy had just started showing up in town, visiting two new arrivals, that woulda started talk, and who knows where that talk could get to.

It takes him a long while to get there. He wasn’t in a hurry, but he still feels winded. He’s just not in the shape he used to be. He mills around, going through the town, from store to store, stopping and saying hello to people he doesn’t know and ones he’s briefly met before.

“Morning, Curtis”, someone he recognizes at the butcher says to him as he walks by, and returns the greeting, with a chuckle to himself. “Curtis”. Still not used to that. 

He brought some furs in his bag that Ellie had skinned recently, and trades them at the tanner. He supposes he gets a fair price, but isn’t really sure. He doesn’t do this enough to know. He weighs the punched out metal in his hand, and nods before he leaves.

He didn’t have a real purpose in coming, other than just to see if he could. To see if he could start making his way without Ellie having to do everything for him. Without her having to spend all her waking moments worried about him.

She deserves better than that.

\----------

Despite the rush she was in to get there, caution finds its way back into Dina’s mind once she enters the outskirts of Victor, the thoughts of what could be waiting for her finally catching up as she scans the open expanse of the town in front of her. She finds the quiet that meets her there more unsettling than she’d like, the silence and stillness fraying her nerves just as harshly as if there had been some threat that was visible.

There was a reason this was where she had rushed off to, a reason there were still likely supplies here. Why it was next on the list to be checked.

It had never been cleared. Not by the scouting teams from Jackson at least.

She ties Japan up in the tree’s outside of town and waits for Astrid to catch up, her pistol in one hand and hunting knife held reverse gripped in the other, crouched at the ready, all nervous, violent energy. It takes another half hour before the other woman finds her way down the passes, and when Astrid rides up next to her, Dina feels foolish for taking off the way she did. It was reckless. Dangerous and stupid. Doing it put them both at risk.

She just couldn’t wait. Not another second.

Astrid doesn’t lecture her when she arrives, not like other patrol partners she had been with would have done. Not like she deserves. Astrid only gives her a wary look, ties up her horse, nods to her as she brings the old pump-action shotgun down off of the sling on her shoulder, and together, they move silently into town. 

It immediately makes sense why they hadn’t been there yet, why they had cleared other nearby towns first, even though Victor wasn’t especially far away. The town is flat and small, sparse. The buildings are spread out, and it doesn’t appear like there had been all that much going on there in the old world. It seems like whoever had lived there before must have stayed for some years after the outbreak, not changing anything to suit the new “normal”. Not fortifying. Probably thought it was safer than most places, being so far away from big population centers. They may have never even heard about how bad it had gotten. Or if they had, they may have thought it was a problem for somewhere else, for other people. 

From the way the whole place seemed so abandoned now, Dina was sure they had learned what everyone else who was still alive had come to learn.

Nowhere was really safe.

To make matters even more complicated, for whatever reason, the Idaho side of the Tetons was crawling with Infected this time of year for the last decade or so. The hordes must find it easier to move up north through this way than they do farther east. Maybe they even came to Wyoming through the same mountain paths she herself had just used. It sent a chill down her spine thinking about how careless she had been riding through them. She could have rode straight into a wandering group before she even knew it.

It made a trip into the state just to check a tiny outskirt town for supplies not worth the effort.

Under most circumstances, at least. 

As they slowly cover ground, watching each others backs, giving a quick tap on the shoulder instead of calling out clear when an alley or road doesn’t seem to contain any threats, Dina doesn’t want to say it, doesn’t want to even be thinking about it, but it seems like they’re getting lucky. There doesn’t appear to be any horde activity out here now, not even any stragglers moving about the streets. 

While they pass by storefronts, looking for the one they’ve been told will be there, occasionally Astrid will stop at one, and listen near the door. Despite the relative calm out in the open, she doesn’t have to say anything for Dina to know what she’s hearing inside. It’s wiser that she doesn’t speak. And Dina can hear it too anyways. 

The uneven, stilted gait of shuffling feet. The persistent, nerve bending clicks, echoing inside. 

If this were a normal patrol, they’d clear them out. Search those buildings for absolutely anything and everything of use. Make a thorough report. But Dina doesn’t even entertain those notions now, and for her part, Astrid doesn’t make any moves to either.

They’re not here for that. 

When they turn a corner down another block, finally it’s there, the familiar sign, and Dina feels almost like she can breathe again. There’s no telling if what they need will be inside, but at least they’re here. That part of the battle is over. They get low and hurry across the open road, and Astrid peers into the slats between the boards that have been nailed over the windows. 

Dina is impatiently trying the door, pressing hard against what feels like something on the other side, and it’s about to crack open when Astrid’s hand comes down heavy on top of hers, stopping her from pushing it any further.

Dina looks up sharply at her and is about to argue, but Astrid is already looking away, reaching into her bag, and saying faintly, barely a whisper,

“Masks.”

\----------

“Do ya wanna... talk about it?”, he asks, perched on the couch as she paces the room in front of him.

She just scoffs, her hands on her hips.

In a way, the scene reminds him of three years ago. When she had told him she had to leave. Had to go back to Jackson. Ellie hadn’t said it at the time, but he had been able to figure it out. She wasn’t homesick for Jackson. She needed to see her.

Maybe, in a way, she was homesick.

When Ellie had come back, she was a wreck, falling to pieces at every seam. All she did was cry and say she shouldn’t have gone. She never did tell him what had happened. He had to hear from Tommy a month later that Dina and Jesse had gotten engaged. The anger he felt in that moment at his younger brother for not giving him any sort of warning was something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Tommy had never even told them about the baby.

Joel doesn’t know what exactly he would have done with that news if he’d had it, but he would have done… something. He would have done anything to spare Ellie the hurt that had caused. She’d hurt enough for a lifetime.

She doesn’t seem so much hurt now. She seems angry.

He pushes himself over from the center of the couch, offering her space and pats the cushion, “C’mon, kiddo, I’m serious”

She stops pacing, but just shakes her head, not turning to look at him,

“Since when is it okay for us to talk about anything.”

He sighs, long and drawn out. He knows he deserves that, but sometimes he wonders if they’ll ever move past his mistakes. How he had taught her young to just try to move on, not talk about the past. 

Most of the time now they do well together. Each day another brick rebuilt. Someday’s though, one of them would pick up a sledge hammer and smash into the house they were building.

He knows he’s done so much wrong by her.

He just wants to do right by her now.

“I know… I ain’t always been the most open ear,” he says, digging under his nails, trying to find something to do with his hands, “but… anything you have ta say, I’m here ta listen.”

Ellie takes another second before sitting down next to him, her hands on her knees, and she wipes her chin on her shoulder, still facing forward, not looking his way. 

He waits, trying to give her the room she needs until she’s ready.

She inhales and pushes the air back out of her nose, finally, hesitantly saying,

“I was kind of seeing someone in town… a girl.”

He watches every little expression on her face as she says it, every little change. How she tries to keep everything about herself still, but she can’t keep her chin from quivering for just a moment, her eyes from dipping lower.

It breaks his heart to see. Not just that something about this relationship wasn’t working out, but that she was so reticent to tell him. As was their way together, they had never talked about anything like this since that night, all those years ago, after that dance when he had seen her kiss Dina, and it had felt like puzzle pieces he could see but couldn’t figure out had clicked into place. After all this time, she was still worried about what he’d think about it.

All he thought was that he wanted her to be happy. 

“Oh”, he nods, swallowing. He wishes he was better with this kind of talk in general. “Was it… serious?”

Ellie clears her throat and shakes her head, “I… I guess not.”

She finally spares a glance at him, and he forces a small smile, trying to look reassuring, and he thinks it maybe worked, because she doesn’t look away.

“We’ve been… _seeing_ each other for a couple years. Kind of off and on. Just… I don’t know. Whenever I was in town, I guess.”

Her meaning doesn’t go over his head, and he sucks in his lips, “Mmmhmm… mmhmm… When ya two… would, uh… _see_ each other, were ya careful?”

“Yeah, Joel”, she scoffs again, rolling her eyes, “I always made sure to wrap it up first.”

He’s not a man for blushing, but he can feel his cheeks heating up, “I jus’ mean-”

“Can we not?”

“Yeah, sure.”

They sit in silence for a few moments, both tapping a foot.

“So…”, he tries to reinitiate, “wha’ happened?”

Ellie works the inside of her mouth with her tongue, “She, uh… she got engaged.”

The significance of that isn’t lost on him. Even if this was just a fling, or whatever it was, for it to end like that, after Ellie had found out Dina had gotten engaged. It had to sting something fierce.

Joel sighs, and carefully reaches out to put his hand on her back. It was always a guessing game how she’d react to that. Sometimes she’d lean in. Others she’d shirk away. This time, she leans in, and he rubs small circles on her, as she drops her head down.

“I’m awful sorry, kiddo”, he says, moving his hand up to her shoulder and pulling her into him.

She rests her head against his collar for a moment, and Joel hopes she feels as comforted by him as he does by her.

After a long few minutes together, he smiles and says,

“You wanna get drunk?”

From her position against him, she murmurs, 

“I really fucking do.”

After he squeezes her shoulder one more time, she gets up from the couch and smiles at him, before moving to the kitchen and rummaging through the shelves for the bottles Tommy had left the last time he came, and Joel can’t take his eyes off her.

This isn’t the life he wanted for Ellie. She’s given up so much for his sake, taken on his burdens without a word, after everything he’s done. To the world, and to her.

He smiles back at her when she looks at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve her.

\----------

The air is forced out of her lungs as the giant, fleshy arm comes around in a wide underhanded arc and strikes her square in the chest. Her feet leave the ground and she goes tumbling into one of the shelves, boxes of items falling off onto her, shaken loose from the impact. 

She barely has time to scramble around the other side into a different aisle as he hears the heavy, lumbering steps of the bloater coming around again, making its way towards her, batting racks and shelves out of its way like they were nothing.

The steady, chunky sound of Astrid pumping the action on her shotgun and the explosion of it’s shot as she repeatedly unloads into its back barely seems to be phasing the creature. It’s just zeroing in on Dina.

Just her luck.

The horrible thing had burst out of a back room almost as soon as they had entered the building, like it had been waiting for them. Fucking bloaters. It had to be a bloater.

Dina had dealt with them before. The easiest thing would be to set it on fire. She had the material for a molotov, but not only would that require the time to put it together, which this motherfucker wasn’t giving her, but it would also run the risk of burning the whole place down. She couldn’t do that. She couldn't let this be for nothing. Even if she doesn’t make it, someone has to get back with what they came for.

In lieu of torching the thing, it would be best to lead it outside, where at least they could maneuver more easily, but without it being spoken, both her and Astrid knew they couldn’t risk that either. They were making enough noise in this confined space. They didn’t need every clicker they’d left locked in the other stores hearing the commotion and finding their way out to them.

They had to fight it here.

Just as Dina puts some distance between herself and the thing, she turns around to see it tear a giant bulbous piece off of its chest, and rear its arm back, ready to pitch the mycotoxin sac at her.

“Oh _fuck”,_ Dina says reflexively, the words slipping out of her mouth with no intent to have said them.

She’s about to dive away and hope for the best when the bloater's hand explodes in a mess of blood and sickly yellow spores, Astrid having run up close behind it and blowing it to pieces with a point blank shot.

It releases a low, guttural howl, and turns on Astrid, closing the distance as she tries to keep firing, but her gun is empty, and it grabs her with its remaining hand, lifting her high into the air as she struggles uselessly against its strength, her knife glancing off the plates on its arm as she stabs down at it.

A shot rings out, and the creature stumbles, and then with another, the fungal plates of its face burst outward in a shower of blood, and it collapses to the ground, letting Astrid fall with it.

Dina stands up from her kneeling position further down the aisle and lowers her rifle before running over and helping Astrid back to her feet. Wordlessly, they both check each other and their masks, their breathing heavy, and then they go about searching the store for what they came for.

Dina hops behind a counter at the back, and starts rifling through the bottles, amazed that there’s still so many there. She tries to ignore the expiration dates on them, years that passed by decades ago. Nothing they can do about that now.

Despite only being there for the one thing, she can’t help but grab as many of the usual candidates as she sees. Things like this are too valuable to leave on a shelf. Anything ending in “-cin”, she takes. Antibiotics were always needed. She grabs syringes and whatever else looks useful as well, but she’s not seeing what they came for.

She starts swiping bottles aside as she searches for it, her pulse quickening. It has to be here. Dr Glieson said it was common, that it should be in any Weston’s that hadn’t been picked clean. That it should be _here._ She had rode off without a second thought on that information.

It has to be here.

She slams the palm of her hand against the rack, rattling all the bottles she hasn’t swept onto the floor as Astrid comes around the counter, stuffing bottles of alcohol, packages of gauze, and other assorted things into her bag.

“Hey”, Astrid says, her voice muffled behind the mask, “take a breath.”

Dina turns her head to her and glares, “Don’t fucking tell me-”

“Take a breath. It’s here.”

Astrid goes about looking through the racks as well, as Dina takes a deep breath of the filtered air, her shoulders rising and falling, and she kneels down to sift through the bottles she’s already displaced.

Nothing. 

She stands and spins, not knowing what to do, about to scream as Astrid calls out to her,

“What was it called?”

Not allowing herself to hope, Dina says back with a sigh, “Warfarin. It’s a blood thin-”, 

The words catch on her tongue as she turns and sees Astrid stand up, holding a pair of large white bottles in her hands.

Dina can’t see Astrid’s mouth through the breather on the mask, but her eyes are smiling.

\----------

He hadn’t really been much for his own birthday, even in the old world. 

His mom was long gone, and his dad had stopped letting him have parties when he was ten, telling him he was a man now and that men didn’t do childish shit like that. That old bastard wasn’t around much anyways, and Joel had to agree. He didn’t have time to worry about a thing like a birthday when there was Tommy to take care of. Then six years later, Sarah was born, and all of a sudden his own birthday was forgotten to him all together. What did it matter now? He didn’t need it to note another year gone by when he had Sarah.

Then the Outbreak had happened, on his birthday, and then Sarah was gone too, and it was like he couldn’t escape it. Every year he was reminded on the day, by people mourning “Outbreak Day”, and it was like it was happening all over again.

It wasn’t until Ellie that he had grown to start appreciating them again. That first year, when they were out on the road, Tommy or Maria must of said something to her while they were at the dam, because on the way to Colorado she had woken him one day singing “Happy Birthday” as loud as her voice would let her. He didn’t bother trying to explain to her then why he just rolled back over and tried to go back to sleep, why it had rubbed him the wrong way. But for the rest of the day, he also had found himself smiling when he thought about it.

The next two years, he had let her make a big deal out of it, and told himself it was just for her sake. She went all out. She baked him cakes. The first one was horrible, salty and burned, and they laughed together as they tried to stomach bites before trashing the whole thing. The second one she must have enlisted someone's help, probably Dina’s, and it was a huge improvement, and they ate it after a dinner of venison steak that she had hunted herself just for the occasion and watched movies all night, and he was happy.

He didn’t need anything fancy. That was enough for him. 

Each year, the memories of the old grew fainter, and the possibility that this new life, with Ellie, was what he had to look forward to until his dying day.

He tried not to think about those other years that followed. That horrible time when he had never felt so small.

Now, out in Dubois, Ellie tried her best to make something of it every year, but their resources were usually pretty thin, and he didn’t expect anything of her. She did more than enough every day just keeping the pair of them alive.

The fifth year they’re there, Tommy had made a visit the week before, and in addition to the usual things, he had dropped off some extra packages wrapped up in burlap with Ellie that she hadn’t let him see. He’d rolled his eyes at her attempt to hide them. It wasn’t like he was ever not at the cabin, but it was still kind of her to try.

The day of, Ellie spends the whole morning and afternoon out. Joel is used to the solitude, but he still worries sometimes, when he doesn’t hear from her for such a long stretch. Late afternoon, she comes riding back, dragging a small doe on the sled behind Shimmer, and she flashes him a victorious smile as he leans against the doorway, shaking his head. It’ll be hard to store all of it. Borderline excessive to have gone for the kill, but she seems so proud of herself, and it makes him proud to see that.

Afterwards, he leans back in his chair at the table and pats his stomach,

“That was really somethin’, kiddo. You have out done yerself.”

She smirks at him, picking up his plate, “We’re just getting started, old man.”

“Why dun ya let me do that?”, he protests, starting to try to get up, but she pulls his utensils away too before he can help.

“Don’t worry about it, I got this. Go sit on the couch or something. Stop trying to be useful.”

He chuckles, and grabs a crutch as he gets up, hobbling his way over to the couch and sitting back down.

Ellie just throws all the dishes into the sink, and then disappears into her room for a bit, before coming back out carrying the burlap covered packages, three of them, of varying sizes.

Joel smiles and shakes his head as she carries them over, setting them on the coffee table in front him and sitting down on the couch.

“I know you hate it when I sing happy birthday,” she grins, “Which is good, because I really just want to see you open your presents.”

“You really didn’t hafta do all-”

“Well, technically I didn’t. Tommy found all of it. It was just all my idea.” 

He sighs, and reaches for one, the medium sized package, and she almost shouts, 

“Wait, wait, do that one last!”

He scratches his beard, and reaches for the smallest one, what looks more like a bag, and looks back over at her. When she nods with approval, he picks it up, and he thinks he can tell what it is immediately.

He brings it to his nose and breathes in the scent.

“This would be enough on it’s own, ya know”, he says, setting the bag of coffee beans back down on the table. 

Ellie just smiles back and shrugs, tilting her head at the others, urging him on.

He picks up the largest one, a long package, probably somewhere between two and half and three feet. Maybe a bit shorter or longer, it’s hard to gauge with the burlap on. It’s heavier than he was expecting, and when he lifts it, it bends slightly in the middle. 

In her best impression of him, which he has to admit, is getting pretty good, Ellie intones “Tha’ is a thing tha' took a mighty effort ta find.”

He looks back over at her as he starts to unravel it, and she’s biting her lip, anticipation on her face.

He figures it out a few moments before all the burlap is off, and he can feel his heart skip a beat. He didn’t think it would have been possible.

He holds the prosthetic leg in his hands, and his voice almost breaks when he asks,

“How-”

She shakes her head slightly, “It doesn’t matter. And, uh… there are more, Tommy said. If that one doesn’t fit right, or whatever. We'll figure out one that does.”

Joel swallows roughly, “I’ll uh… I’ll have to make sure to thank _him._ Next time he’s around.”

They look at each for a moment, and Joel hopes his eyes don’t look as wet as Ellie’s do, his face as full of emotion as hers is.

He sets the leg down, “I’ll try this on later, I think.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see her quickly wiping at her face, “Yeah, sounds good. Still got one more.

“Oh, I’m allowed ta open this one now?”

“Just shut up and open your present.”

He smiles and reaches for the last one. It too is heavier than he was expecting, and as the wrapping comes off, a part of it feels loose.

Once all the burlap is gone, he realizes it must be upside down, because he can’t tell what it is. Some sort of electronic device. When he lets go of the wrapping, something else drops to the floor with it. He leans over and picks up, and he almost immediately starts laughing, turning the bigger object over as well and recognizing what it is.

In one hand he’s holding an old portable dvd player, the kind with its own screen, and in the other, a dvd case, the title “Curtis and Viper 2” splayed large across it, in front of an explosion.

Ellie has a hand in front of her mouth, trying to cover her reaction to Joel’s reaction, but he can still see the huge smile on her face,

“I know this isn’t as cool as seeing it on your old big screen but-”

“Ellie, it’s-”

-And we’ll probably only get to use it once. Tommy said he charged the battery, but since there’s nowhere to plug in-”

“It’s perfect. Let’s watch it now”, Joel says, setting them back down on the coffee table.

“Yeah?”, Ellie responds, still smiling.

“Yeah.”

Later, when Viper is in the middle of his fight against the Deadly Soviettes, Joel is having a hard time concentrating on the film. He just can’t stop looking at Ellie.

“How’d you choose this one? Or did Tommy pick it?”, he whispers over the sound of katanas smashing against hammers and sickles.

Ellie doesn’t take her eyes off the small screen, and she takes a second to respond, 

“I, uh… was going to… I just wanted to see it for a while. Thought you’d want to see it again too.”

He can tell there’s more to it. That there’s something she’s holding back, like she always does, but he doesn’t push it. She’ll tell him if she wants to, and it’s alright if she never does. She didn’t have to answer. 

Ellie falls asleep against him before the Kremlin falls, and Joel carefully reaches forward and switches the player off, before leaning back, and pulling the blanket off of the back of the couch over her, resting his arm on top of her shoulders. 

He listens to her soft breathing, and thinks about how lucky he is. He’s almost lost her twice, and he paid a terrible price both times. Once in blood and then in her trust. He really didn’t know which was worse to him, they were so linked together.

Now here she was, after five long, hard years, still at his side. After everything he’d done to make sure she’d have a life, she’d given it all up for him. 

This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

Parents are supposed to sacrifice for their kids. To give them a better world.

He brings his hand up to her hair and brushes a stray strand away from her face, back over her ear, and leans his head back against the couch.

He knows there won’t be many more times like this. This could already be the last one.

He closes his eyes as she shifts, curling into him more, and he holds her tighter, while at the same time trying to find a way to let go.

He’s going to give her life back.

As a father, how can he not at least try?

\----------

Dina’s magazines are empty, and her knife is slick with blood by the time they get to the horses.

The fight in the Weston’s must have made enough noise to alert at least one of the trapped clickers, and the noise it had made breaking out of whatever building it had been in had been enough to rouse all the others. A pack of them had slipped free of wherever it was they had been stuck in, and they had all started to converge on the pharmacy by the time Dina and Astrid made their way out.

They had barely made it out of the town, sprinting, shooting, stabbing and kicking the whole way, and as they mounted up and tore away back towards Jackson, they could hear the screeching of the infected behind them for a full mile down the path, echoing into the dark night.

Fuck Victor, Idaho.

This time they ride together, Astrid staying right behind her, pushing her horse just as hard as Dina pushes Japan. The pair of near death experiences had them both throwing caution to the wind in favor of getting back as soon as possible.

The line of the horizon is just starting to turn golden, eating away at the deep blue of the night sky as they make Jackson, and Dina doesn’t stop at the stables. She guides Japan at a full gallop all the way through town to the clinic, and she doesn’t bother tying him up as she jumps off his back, rushing inside, taking the steps two at a time.

She sprints in, ignoring everyone inside as they call to her, and the weariness in her body, the dull ache all over from where she’d be struck by the bloater. She’s here now, that’s all that matters.

She dimly notes that Jesse isn’t outside the door as she pushes into the room, and then immediately goes back out again, checking the number to make sure it’s right when she finds it empty.

She looks in again, certain her mind is playing tricks on her, and she runs back down the hall, skidding to a stop at the front desk, her eyes wide as she practically screams at the man filling out notes behind it,

“Where is he?”

The man stumbles over his words at the sudden outburst, “H-he left, in the middle of the night, that’s what we were trying-”

Dina is already back out the door before he’s finished speaking, not even sure where she’s headed.

What he said... it doesn’t make sense. How is that possible?

As she exits the clinic, Jesse is limping up the stairs, and she runs to him as she sees him, wrapping her arms tight around his shoulders, and he weakly hugs her with one arm in return,

“They told me you’d just gotten back. I figured you’d come here first.”

She breaks apart from him and the question is large on her face, she doesn’t even ask it before he says, not meeting her eyes,

“Dina… I don’t know how to-”

Dina feels like her heart stops, and she gasps out,

“Is he-”

“No, no,” Jesse says quickly, grabbing her arms, “At least… not that I know of.”

The way he says that, Dina doesn’t understand what he could mean. The look on his face. What the fuck is going on?

“Where is he then?”

“Maybe you should-”

She wrestles herself away from his grip, and he lets his hands fall to the side, and it’s not lost on her that he hasn’t really looked at her face once this whole time,

“Jesse, tell me”

Jesse wets his lips but doesn’t answer, his eyes on the steps, and she can feel something dark and afraid growing in her heart,

“Tell me.”

Jesse is still looking at the ground when he quietly answers,

“They left, Dina… they left.”

Dina just laughs, because what he’s saying is nonsense. He was on death’s door. 

“What does even mean, I thought he needed-”

“Ellie took _him”,_ Jesse says the word with a venom she doesn’t understand, “sometime last night… somehow she had a cart and Shimmer and another horse prepared. Someone on watch must have helped, and… they left. Jackson. They’re gone.”

Dina feels like the world is spinning around her, like the sky is twisting and the ground is moving beneath her feet. Her breath is coming out uneven and raw as her eyes try to find a focus point, something solid to grab hold of.

Ellie wouldn’t leave. 

Not again.

Not without her.

She forces more questions to spill out,

“Where… where’d they go?”

“We don’t know.”

“Is she coming back?”

Jesse finally looks up at her, and the expression on his face is her answer.

She reaches out, gripping for the railing beside her, and sits down hard on the concrete steps. Her legs won’t support her for another second. None of this makes any sense. It can’t actually be real. 

Maybe she’s slipping away back in that Weston’s in Victor, her life playing out in some fever dream before her eyes as she dies, or out in the street of the town, falling victim to one of the clickers. She’d understand that more than what she’s hearing.

Ellie wouldn’t leave. 

Not again.

Not without her.

Not in the middle of the night, while she was gone, trying to find medicine to save Joel’s life. Not without saying goodbye. Not to somewhere unknown, never to come back.

This can’t be real. It can’t be. 

She can only faintly comprehend that Jesse is saying more to her. That now that her and Astrid are back, Jackson is on lockdown. No one in or out, that it’s too dangerous. He tells her something about Tommy and a prisoner, but she can’t find it in herself to care. 

She thinks she’s just asking “why” over and over, but she can’t hear his answers.

Because it doesn’t matter what they are.

Because this isn’t real.

She’s just going to stand back up on steady legs and start walking. She’s going to go to that old garage and knock, and sure enough, Ellie will be there. Dina will hear her call out from her bed in an annoyed voice and then she’ll open the door with that beautiful, sleepy smile on her face, in the same clothes she was wearing yesterday, and Dina will smile back and she’ll know. 

Know this could never have been true.

Ellie wouldn’t leave.

Not again.

Not without...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PERSONALLY
> 
> I feel like this chapter wasn't as much of a bummer as the others, but I also feel like I'm starting to lose sight of what that even means. I'm definitely going for a melancholic feel with this piece, at least for the time being, so it's hard to gauge.
> 
> Also, apologies if you live in Victor, Idaho. I didn't mean to be so harsh to your town.
> 
> The song I listened to while writing this was waaaaaaaaaay outside of the norm for me, as I usually hate modern country, but I felt like Joel would have liked it, had it come out pre-outbreak. "Fire Away", by Chris Stapleton. You may throw your tomatoes now.
> 
> I love hearing all your theories on this one. Thank you so much for commenting.


	7. I Know You'd Never Leave Me Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the end notes for a musical cue. It's a little spoilery, so I'm putting it there instead of here.

Everyone is screaming.

Both sides, yelling commands at each other, ordering the other to drop their weapons.

Ellie doesn’t hear any of it.

She can only hear the sound of her own heart, hammering in her ears.

The heavy, stuttering breaths of the woman she’s holding like a shield in front of her, already starting to come out forced and wet with blood. The knife had cut deep, and nicked something vital.

She knows Jesse is beside her, or at least she thinks she does. Just like she knows Tommy has come to, and picked up a fallen gun, joining her. 

With the other man and this woman wounded, the sides were more even. They could walk away from this.

She can’t imagine letting them walk away though.

Everything is muted, everything blurry. Everything is red.

Ellie just keeps looking over at Joel, crawling across the floor, struggling and failing to stand, a trail of blood in his wake.

She can’t even call to him, no words will come out of her mouth.

She thinks Tommy and Jesse are trying to negotiate. 

That no one has to die.

That they can take all of the wounded back to Jackson.

Ellie wants to scream and shoot and stab.

She wants to kill them all.

Everyone.

But she looks at Joel again and it’s like he’s already dead, and she agrees to it. Anything. Whatever it takes.

Joel can’t die.

They load into the truck those motherfuckers came in, and Ellie speeds them away.

And as she spares a look in the mirror, she could swear it looks like a pack of wolves are running after them, matching their speed, their yellow eyes flashing in the moonlight.

The first thing she feels are the hands on her arms, shaking her. A soft voice saying a name that’s not hers, urging her to wake up. Her eyes snap open into the darkness, and her fingers grip like a vice around foreign wrists, and she shoots up, pushing the other body back down onto the mattress.

She doesn’t find a threat pinned underneath her, but Jenny’s small form, looking up at her in the dark.

“I’m sorry”, Jenny says, her voice calm, “it seemed like you were having a bad dream… I was just trying to wake you up.”

Ellie shakes her head, trying to awaken herself more, and let’s go of Jenny’s arms, sitting back down on the bed, 

“That's… that's okay”, she looks out the one big window of the room, the moonlight streaming in, painting a pale blue square on the floor of the room, illuminating their discarded clothes. The moon is already going down in the west. She’s been asleep for a while. Stayed too long.

She spins her legs off the bed and stands, pulling her underwear back on, “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep anyways.”

“Well… it’s not like I mind”, Jenny offers, sitting up.

Ellie goes about putting on the rest of her clothes, trying not to pay attention to her. Jenny says the same things every time.

“You could even stay the night, if you wanted to.”

Ellie nods as she pulls her shirt over her shoulders, “I know, but I… I have to look after my dad.”

She knows the excuse is just as weak this time as it was the first time she used it and every time in between, but just like always, Jenny doesn’t fight her.

“Maybe next time then”, she says sweetly, laying her head back down on the pillow.

“Yeah”, Ellie says as she opens the door, “Maybe next time.”

As she heads out into the cool spring air, she can still feel the dullness from the nights drinking slowing her thoughts and her steps. She wishes she didn’t feel the need to do that. That she could just come into town and see Jenny. Take her to dinner or out on a walk. Just talk to her. Get to know her. She’s known her for over a year but she doesn’t really know a thing about her. But every time she comes she finds herself instead at the bar, fighting down another one of those horrible bourbons, dimming everything around her until she can pretend that Jenny might not really be Jenny. That the skin under her lips is that light olive, and the hair in her fingers is black.

It was a horrible thing to do, to feel. To use a person like that. To do it again and again. 

But she couldn’t stop. If this was the closest she can get, she’d go back as many times as she could.

She had never fallen asleep at Jenny’s before though, for good reason, and she felt foolish for doing it now. That could have gone so much worse.

There were nights when Ellie woke flailing, screaming so loud her throat hurt for days. Nights when she woke up sobbing and she couldn’t stop until the light of the morning came in, and even then she felt empty. 

She couldn’t let Jenny, or anyone see that.

She felt lucky that tonight hadn’t been like those times. She would have even called what happened tonight when she was asleep a good dream.

If only they all were like that one.

\----------

It’s a sound she’s heard before, but never in person, never in real life. 

Only in old movies. Sad, somber scenes. Times when things had gone wrong.

Things had gone so wrong.

A steady, digital beep, punctuated by a flashing green line on a screen, traveling from left to right, rising and falling. Little lights, making tiny little peaks and valleys, on an old world machine. 

That’s all she had.

Dr. Glieson had just called it a heart monitor. It seemed like such a simple name for the only thing that was keeping Ellie tethered to the world as she sat huddled in a chair, her knees pulled up to her chest, and watched it. It was a more comforting sight than trying to look at Joel himself, even if she didn’t understand what the numbers meant.

Wires snaked from the bottom of it, running out over the railing of the bed, onto small adhesive discs under the bandaging that covered Joel’s chest, and she reached out and softly held them between two fingers, guiding her hand down the length as far as it would go, imagining she could feel his pulse in the line, strong and sure. 

She knew the machine itself wasn’t doing anything to keep Joel alive, but it still made her feel better. Each beep was evidence. Each one more proof that Joel was still here.

Dina slept in the chair next to her, her whole body curled into the space between the arms, and Ellie, for once, wished she wasn’t there. She looked down at their fingers curled together, resting on the arms of the chairs pushed together, Dina’s holding onto hers tightly even as she slept, and all she can see is a hand hanging lifelessly over the side of a hospital bed. Before she had fallen asleep, Dina had smiled at her and promised everything would be okay, and all Ellie had seen in the face that she loved so much were a different pair of brown eyes, lifeless and still. 

Ellie didn’t deserve for Dina to smile at her. For Dina to hold her and make her promises. Dina didn’t know yet.

Her eyes traced over Dina’s lips, and she held them in her gaze for as long as she could, finding it wasn’t very long at all. She couldn’t look at Dina for more than a few seconds without feeling guilty, like she was being rewarded, so she let her eyes trail back to the heart monitor, trying not to pause on Joel as he passed through her vision.

Ellie had refused to leave the room when they first rushed him in earlier, refusing any care for her bruised neck, or letting anyone even touch her. She only cared about Joel. When they carefully cut away his shirt she had seen the ruin that was made of him from the beating he took. She had seen him looking bad before, when he had almost died that winter they were on the road, but nothing… nothing like this. Parts of him looked collapsed, sunken in, and his breathing by the time they had gotten him to the clinic was so faint the only way she could tell it was still coming out was the small flecks of blood spraying onto her cheek when she went to listen. She was certain he wouldn’t survive, and that neither would she once he went.

When they started cutting into him with their knives, she couldn’t take it anymore. She knew that was it. Joel was gone, and any hope that they would find what they had lost was going to die with him. She had wandered out into the hall as they brought out a saw for his leg, and there Dina had found her, and Ellie had fallen in her arms and screamed until she couldn’t scream any more, and then she cried until she couldn’t do that either. 

When the tears ran dry, Ellie had never felt more numb, more empty in her entire life. The hollowness was the only thing that felt real, and she fell into it and let her limbs go limp and she reached for nothing. She didn’t want anything to catch her as she tumbled. She just wanted to disappear.

She had never even told him that she loved him.

She didn’t even believe it when Dr. Glieson had come out and told her that the surgery was over, for now, and that he was still alive. 

It was just a cruel trick. She had seen him. He was already dead. Already gone.

But Dina had slowly helped her to her feet, and led her back into the room, hand in hand, and Ellie heard that steady beep. 

Slow.

Slow, but there.

And there Joel was too, his chest rising and falling. Unconscious, but alive. 

Ellie had to excuse herself when she saw him, not because of the sight of his missing leg, or the set arm, or all the bandages wrapped around his entire torso or how she could barely recognize his face.

But because she was so happy.

She was so happy she was laughing. She was so happy she was crying again. 

Joel was still alive, and the hollowness filled back up with everything she’d ever felt for the man. Every good thing, and every bad thing, and all of the love she had never shared with him but had always felt, even when she had hated him too.

It was too much for one person to feel all at once, and she felt like her heart couldn’t contain it all.

As the tears had streamed down her face and her shoulders rose alternating between laughs and sobs, she found her eyes locked with someone else’s, across the hall, laying on another bed.

The others stared back at her, through her, but they didn’t see her. They didn’t see anything. They’d never see anything again.

A nurse had noticed Ellie staring and closed the curtains around the cot, but it was too late. 

Ellie had already seen the pallid skin. The hand hanging limp over the side of the bed, a trail of blood dripping onto the floor off of the fingers. There had been no light anywhere in the girls' eyes as they looked at Ellie, no glimmer of recognition or even hate or sadness. 

Ellie had taken that and everything else she’d ever have from her.

From both of them.

\----------

Ellie sits at the front of the cabin, the familiar rough wood of the steps underneath her, and looks up at the sky above as the sun starts to sink behind the mountains. The pink and the blue, the gold in the west, the encroaching dark in the east. The thin ribbons of slowly disconnecting clouds, their rims echoing the color of the sky around them. 

She feels the ground beneath her bare feet, the grass between her toes, and she listens to the sounds of the woods, just beyond the edge of the fence around the cabin. She thinks she can hear the soft flutter of bat wings, catching insects as they buzz in one of the last warm evenings of the season. She sees a doe and a fawn explore the ground, before they lift their heads, look at her, and disappear back into the trees. The whole scene is shaded in the fading light of dusk, and she watches the brush sway and settle again where they had left.

It’s easy for her to forget, sometimes. That it’s peaceful here. That it could be beautiful.

A small smile forms at the corners of her lips, and she doesn’t know why, but as she sits there, a soft breeze blowing through the pines, bringing the smell of the woods to her nose, she finds herself thinking for the first time, in all the years she’s been away, that Dina would like it here.

She lifts her guitar off the porch, and settles it down on her lap, running her hand down the neck, playing her fingers along the frets. Even after a few years, it still felt strange, a little foreign to her. It didn’t fit her hands the way the one Joel had given her had. She tried to think that was just her nostalgia talking. 

She still wondered sometimes what ever happened to it, still pictures the moth inlay every time her eye catches her tattoo. Not as often now as it used to. She’s had to keep it covered whenever there might be other eyes around.

She chooses some notes, some runs, picking away aimlessly. Sometimes she just likes to hear the sound of the steel. Sometimes she likes to avoid playing what she really wants to hear.

Ellie sighs, giving in, and lets her fingers form the familiar chord, and then the next, and the next. She could do it in her sleep now. She may even, who’s to know? As she starts them over, she softly sings the words to herself, and even though it’s such an old road, one that she knows only leads to more pain, she lets her mind drift to Dina again, sitting beside her, a fire burning in front of them. 

Before she can fall too far down, she hears the screen door open and close behind her, 

“Know any Skynyrd?” Tommy says, a smile on his face as he walks across the short porch and sits down on the stairs beside her.

She chuckles lightly, looking over at him, “That some hillbilly music I should know about?”

“How dare ya”, he says, mocking offense, “Tha’s some _redneck_ music ya should know about.”

“I think I’m good.”

“Suit yerself”, he says, leaning back, his elbows on the porch, “Better than tha’ 80s bullshit yer always playin’. I swear, yer the only person who could make tha’ stuff sound sad.”

Ellie smiles, putting the guitar back down, “Yeah, well… the ladies love it.”

Tommy snorts, “I’ll hafta remember tha’.”

Ellie hunches forward, wrapping her arms around her knees, her head turned back towards him,

“Joel asleep?”

“Yeah. Went ta bed at least”, he smiles again, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, “Real lightweight these days.”

Ellie nods, trying to find the humor in it. They sit together for a few moments in silence, the weight of it hanging too heavily to just move on.

Eventually, Ellie clears her throat and offers, “Thanks again. For finding all that stuff. He’s going to love it.”

Tommy waves his hand, “Least I could do. All the two of ya have been through. I… uh… I got somethin’ for ya too.”

Tommy leans forward and reaches into the back pocket of his jeans, producing a small packet from it, and he hands it to her.

“It’s not much, but I thought ya could probably use some new ones.”

Ellie can tell what it is just by the feel of it. The brown paper packaging inside a plastic cover, the rigid steel circles inside. Tommy’s right, she’s needed new strings for a long time. 

She smiles looking at them, her thumb running along the outline of the coils, 

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know”, he says, “Think of it as a late birthday present. Sorry I missed yer real one. Been harder ta get away for a bit. Seems like some…”

He hesitates for a second, and she doesn’t understand why.

“...just wanted ta make sure it was safe.”

She wants to ask more, but it’s not the first time he’s had to take a break from bringing them supplies. People could get suspicious sometimes. She turns around and places the strings down, nestled beneath the guitar, and turns back to Tommy,

“Thanks.”

“Yer welcome.”

They return to more comfortable silence than they were in earlier, the sounds of the evening growing louder as the light around them grows dimmer.

Maybe it’s just something about that night. Maybe it’s because she’s been on her mind a lot lately. Ellie isn’t sure. She’s never asked Tommy before, never wanted to bring him into it. But she still finds the words slipping past her teeth,

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot”, he responds almost automatically.

Ellie dips her head down, and letting her eyes fall away from him,

“Can you… tell me about Dina?”

Tommy doesn’t say anything, and when she looks back at him, his eyes are on her, his face a mix of surprise and apprehension.

She meets his gaze, trying to tell him that she’s ready for whatever he has to say. She just wants to know.

After a while, Tommy sighs, and leans forward, 

“Well… Joel told me a few years back tha’ ya snuck inta Jackson, so I guess ya know tha’ her and Jesse-”

“Yeah, yeah… I know”, Ellie says, nodding quickly. She swallows hard, and tries to force the words out, “and they… have a son?”

Tommy looks out at the fence, “They do.”

Even knowing it, it’s still hard to hear. Ellie couldn’t tell how old he had been when she had seen him, but she guessed maybe a year or two. He’d be a real kid by now. Talking, running around. He’d have friends.

It made her picture Dina as a mother. Doing mom things. It made her chest clench. 

She sighs, balling her toes up on the ground, gripping the grass between them. She started this, may as well keep going. Complete the picture.

“What’s… what’s his name? Her son?”

When she looks back over at Tommy, his jaw is working, and he’s fiddling with his fingers, scraping under his nails. He shakes his head lightly, like he doesn’t want to tell her the answer, and he looks down, saying quietly,

“Elijah.”

She just nods, it taking her a moment to even register the name, like her brain won’t let her, just scrambling the message. When it eventually comes in clear, her heart still fights it. It doesn’t mean anything. It can’t. It could have been Jesse’s idea for all she knew. They were all friends. Maybe it was just because they probably thought she was dead. It was practically just a memorial.

That’s all there is to it.

“Oh”, she’s able to force out.

“Yeah”, Tommy says, bending over to rip a few blades of grass from the ground, looking like he just wants something to do with his hands.

Ellie swallows again, still nodding, not sure what else to do. What else to ask. There’s so much, but her mind is going blank.

Tommy offers for her, “She’s still doing patrols… takes as many as she can. The long ones, when she can get ‘em…” 

He trails off, picking at the grass in his hands, seeming like he’s saying more than he thinks he should.

Ellie smiles thinking about Dina on patrol. How she was so different, so focused, but still somehow the same as she always was. Able to switch so quickly from a deft hunter to having a joke ready. Somehow so fierce, but so tender. Ellie always had a hard time walking that line herself, of shutting the wild, dangerous part of herself back off. Dina had grounded her when they were together. Helped her find her way back.

She has so much more to ask, but the only thing that comes out, the only thing that seems important is,

“Is she happy?”

Tommy flicks the grass back out onto the ground, and lets out a long breath, 

“What do you want me to say to tha’?”

“The truth?”, she isn’t sure if that itself is true.

He turns to look at her, studying her face. He looks tired, like he’s been holding in secrets for a long time, and the weight of them is becoming too much.

Finally he answers, “No. No, I don’t think she is. Not since…”, he rubs his hand across the scruff on his face and shrugs,

“What do ya want from this, Ellie? Want me ta tell ya she still asks about ya? Well, she does. Every trader that comes ta town. I’ve tried to get her ta stop, but… she’s still lookin’. Still lookin’ for ya.”

Ellie can’t reconcile what Tommy is telling her with what she’s known all the years her and Joel have been hiding in Dubois. The pieces aren’t fitting right.

Dina and Jesse are married. They have a kid. They're happy. 

Ellie doesn’t factor into that anywhere. It’s been so long. It’s been _so_ long. 

Why would Dina still be asking after her? Still be looking for her?

Something unfamiliar sparks in Ellie’s heart. Something she hasn’t felt in so long she can’t remember the last time it was there.

Like an ember in dry leaves and twigs, threatening to start something more.

As if Tommy can see it on her face, he says to her, “Ya know… that doesn’t change anythin’, don’t ya?”

Ellie nods to him in recognition, but her mind is already somewhere else. 

The look on his face tells her that Tommy thinks he’s said too much, and it’s probably true, though she doesn’t even know what to do with what he’s told her.

“A’right… well… Imma go back in, I think”, Tommy says, standing up and wiping his hands on his pants.

“Yeah… yeah”, Ellie responds absentmindedly, “I think I’ll stay out here awhile longer.”

Tommy sighs one last time, looking at her, and retreats back inside, the screen snapping shut behind him.

Ellie’s thoughts are everywhere and nowhere. She can’t figure out how she feels about everything she’s just heard. She wants Dina to be happy. To live her life, whatever that means. Even if it means forgetting about her. She was certain for so long that _was_ what it meant.

But… what if it wasn’t? 

She picks up the guitar behind her and repositions it back in her lap, her hands finding where they were before Tommy came out. 

As the tips of her fingers start to pull at the strings, she looks back into the sky, and finds the stars just starting to shine out of the dark above, and she thinks of Dina, sitting somewhere in Jackson, and lets herself wonder if Dina is looking up at them, thinking of her too.

She can’t help but smile, picturing her face, what it might look like now under the night sky, and what it looked like the first time she sang this song to her, lit by the glow of the bonfire, and she sings softly, hoping the words carry across the distance between them.

_“Take…”_

\----------

She doesn’t know if she really slept or not. It feels like she might have. The ache in her neck tells her she’s been sitting at an angle she shouldn’t have been for longer than she remembers. The stiffness in her knees as she stretches them out of the chair and the sour, dry taste in her mouth are further evidence she had gone under without meaning to.

She certainly doesn’t remember falling asleep. She thought she could just close her eyes for a moment, and listen to the steady rhythm of the heart monitor. She guesses it was a little more soothing that she thought it would be.

She looks around the room, trying to figure out how long she’s been out. It looks like the sun is rising, or maybe it’s already risen, she can’t tell. The mornings are always so grey here in the winter, and the days could be too when the storms came in. It could be mid-afternoon for all she knew. She has no idea what time it was when she had fallen asleep anyways. It must have been either very late or very early.

Dina is gone, the chair next to Ellie empty and cold. She must have left silently sometime in the night. She can’t decide what to feel about that. As much as she wants to not want her there, for Dina’s own sake, she can’t help but physically experience her absence, her hand feeling empty where Dina had held it.

Her eyes fall on Joel, still there unconscious in front of her. He had always seemed so big to her before, but something about seeing him like this, lying there, hooked up to a machine, makes him look so small. So helpless. She wonders if this is how she had looked, when he had found her in that hospital in Salt Lake. If he had felt just as scared as she did now.

Seeing him like this, imagining being in his place, in that moment, she’s not sure she could have made a different decision than he did. 

She doesn’t know what to do with that. She feels like examining it too closely right now is too much. She puts it away with all her other feelings about what Joel had done for now. There’d be time for that later, once they’ve got Joel back home and everything is normal and safe again.

She stands, taking in a deep breath, and tentatively reaches out to touch his hand. She hasn’t tried to touch him at all this whole time, worried anything might break him at any moment. That she might break him. She slowly lets her fingers touch the back of his, the tips ghosting over his knuckles, and when there’s no reaction, she curls her hand around, and holds as tight as she feels she can without hurting him. 

Ellie thought she would find it comforting, grounding, to feel him, but she doesn’t. All she can feel is how hot his skin is, like there’s a fire burning its way out underneath it. She hadn’t noticed before but his face is deeply flushed, slick from a thin sheen of sweat. His breath is low and tight, coming out with a wet, rasping sound, quiet enough that she couldn’t hear until she had gotten closer. 

The sound of the heart monitor still seems steady enough, but her own pulse is racing as she rushes from the room, and screams for Dr. Glieson.

Dina finds her sitting on the floor out in the hall later, carrying a small pile of clothes.

“Hey, sorry I left, I just thought you’d want a change of-”, Dina abruptly stops talking when Ellie turns her head up to her, her eyes rimmed in red.

She immediately goes to Ellie’s side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, “-Hey, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Ellie doesn’t want to, but she curls into Dina’s grasp, and Dina lets her, pulling her tighter, 

“I-I don’t know… something’s wrong with him”, she hates herself for the way her voice is cracking with every word, “He’s burning up. Glieson is in with him-”

Dina puts her hand under Ellie’s chin and raises her face so that their eyes meet,

“He’s gonna be okay, alright? I promise.”

“You don’t know that”, Ellie whimpers out.

Dina’s eyes are bright and inviting, and her face is so close, and she says with all the confidence in the world, “Yeah, I do.”

Ellie wants it so badly to be true, “How?”

Dina’s lips curl into that grin of hers, and she pulls Ellie close, hugging her, whispering into her ear,

“Because I’m magic.”

Ellie can’t help but laugh. Dina didn’t know how true that was. 

As they hold each other on the floor, Dr. Glieson emerges from the room, and they both shoot up to their feet, Dina twisting her fingers into Ellie’s, holding them tight, and Ellie is thankful for it. She doesn’t feel ready for whatever Glieson is about to tell her.

The doctor takes off her large glasses and wipes the lenses on her shirt, taking a moment before she says,

“Well… I don’t want to lie to you. It’s not great.”

“Just tell me.” Ellie rushes out.

“It’s hard to know exactly with the equipment we have here, but I’m fairly certain he’s developed what’s called deep vein thrombosis”, she doesn’t wait for them to ask what that is, “a blood clot in his leg.”

Ellie shakes her head, “Is that… is that serious?”

Glieson nods, “It’s very serious. If we don’t take care of it soon, it could detach and move to his lungs or his heart, and then we’d have a real problem.”

Ellie takes a hurried step towards her, dragging Dina behind her, 

“Well, okay, what the fuck do we do?”

“Well…”, Glieson rubs the back of her neck, “That’s kind of the issue. All we can really do is put him on a blood thinner. A strong one-”

“Then fucking do-”

“-but, with his other injuries, if they start bleeding again, it’d be much harder to stop. He could bleed out. _And_ we don’t have any here in Jackson.”

Ellie can feel her whole body shaking. If that’s the only chance he has, then it’s a risk she’ll have to take.

“Where can I find them?”, she says, her face as resolute as she thinks she can make it.

“Ellie…”, she can hear Dina say behind her, but Ellie waves her off.

“There’s a settlement a few days' ride from here that I think would probably have them, but to be frank, I don’t know for certain if he’s got that much time. Even if he did, this could become something he’d be living with the rest of-”

“Where else?”, Ellie practically yells at her.

Dr. Glieson doesn’t appear to be phased by her outburst, probably used to loved ones of patients losing their tempers, but she still seems wary when she answers,

‘There’s… there’s a town in Idaho. Victor. It’s just over the mountains, maybe half a day there and back. I know there’s a pharmacy there, and it’s a common enough drug. But… Ellie, we’ve never scouted the place. It could be crawling with infected, or hunters. We have no way of knowing.”

Ellie has already made up her mind the second she heard it,

‘Give me the name.”

“Ellie-”, Dina tries to say again.

“The drug. Give me the name.”

Dr. Glieson looks between the two girls like she’s trying to decide, but lets out a sigh, and says, 

“Warfarin. It’s called Warfarin.”

As soon as she says it, Ellie is half way down the hall, Dina chasing behind her.

She’s out of the doors into the cold before Dina can get in front of her, putting her hands on her shoulders, forcing her to a stop.

“Ellie, you can’t do this.”

Ellie bats away one of her hands, but finds it immediately back on her,

“The fuck I can’t!”

Dina gets closer to her, closing the distance,

“You _can’t._ Not like this. You’re in no shape to go.”

Ellie knows it’s true. She hasn’t eaten anything. She’s barely slept. She’s a walking ghost at this point. But she has to. Joel would do it for her. Joel would do anything for her.

“Dina, I fucking have-”

Dina wraps her arms around her, and pulls her close, holding her tight, and there’s something about it, something about the look on Dina’s face that scares Ellie, chills her to the bone.

 _“You_ don’t. Because _I’m_ going to.”

Ellie tries to pull away from her, but Dina just holds her tighter, 

“No, you’re fucking not! You are-”

She feels Dina whisper into her ear,

“Yeah, stupid, I am.”

Dina pulls back, and rests her hand on Ellie’s cheek, and Ellie feels like she’s looking through her, into her soul.

“Ellie… I’d do any-”

Ellie has to stop this. It’s too dangerous. Too much. Dina wouldn’t be offering herself up like this if she knew what Ellie had done.

She has to tell her now, before it’s too late.

She has to lose her.

\----------

The hands around her throat are so strong, she’s never felt anything like it.

Even with the shot through the spine, she’s still _so_ strong.

But the strength in the grip is fading, each time Ellie sinks her knife into the taut muscle of the girl's neck. 

She straddles her, and plunges her blade down again and again, and each time she pulls it out, another arterial spray coats her body in red, and the fingers around her neck grow weaker and weaker, until eventually, the nails stop digging in, and when they’re loose enough, Ellie finds her voice and screams. Screams as she keeps stabbing, long after the light has left the eyes underneath her, and the blood stops flowing.

All around her are dead bodies. People who tried to stop her. She’d killed one with his own gun. Another who had just stood there and screamed while she took aim. 

She's faintly aware that Jesse is with her. He must have killed at least three himself. She heard another shot ring out next to her and a grunt as she had rushed in and put a hole through the woman who was beating Joel against the glass, another when someone had tried to tackle her, and then another after she was done with everyone else, and found herself on top of that same woman.

She had still been breathing, and Ellie felt something inside of herself she hadn’t felt since the machete was in her hands and she was looming over David. She wanted nothing to be left of the girl. No trace she had ever been alive.

As she sits there, slick in what’s left of that girls life, too late she hears a door crack open to the side of her, and a voice cry out from behind it, 

“Abby!”

She turns her head just in time to see a gun raised at her. A shot goes off just as something speeds in front of her field of vision, and then another blast, and she sees the man with the gun and Jesse both go down, Jesse having stepped in front of the bullet for her.

Behind the other man, stands a woman with short hair, and her face goes pale when she sees him get shot, and she too starts to raise a gun, but Ellie is faster.

She’s already on her feet, closing the gap, and ducks underneath her arm, pushing it up with one hand, and as the gun goes off uselessly into the ceiling, she plunges her knife into the girl's stomach. 

Once.

Twice.

Again and again and again.

Their faces are inches apart as blood starts to trickle out of the girl's mouth, her gurgling breaths thick and wet.

She’s trying to say something, to beg, but Ellie doesn’t care.

She pulls the gun from the girl's hand as she lets her slump to the floor. She’s as good as dead now. Let her bleed out.

Ellie turns her attention to the man Jesse shot, and grabs him by the hair, pulling his head back and puts her wet blade to his throat, and when she jerks him back his eyes fall on the girl and he screams, 

“No! Mel!”, tears already forming in his eyes.

She’s about to draw the edge across, when he says,

“She’s pregnant! She’s fucking pregnant!”

\----------

The distance between them is only a couple feet, but Ellie feels like it’s miles or more as she finishes telling Dina about what happened in the chalet.

There aren’t any more words coming from Dina’s lips. No more promises that things will be okay.

Dina just looks at her, and Ellie can only guess what she’s thinking.

That she’s the monster Ellie has always known she is.

That there’s something horrible inside of her. Something that makes her capable of such things.

That she’s unworthy.

Broken.

That she always will be.

Dina’s mouth opens and closes a couple times, like the words just aren’t coming out. Like there’s just nothing to say.

Ellie takes a step towards her, and puts her hands on Dina’s arms, and it isn’t lost on her that Dina flinches, almost imperceptibly, at her touch,

“You don’t have to do this. Just let me go. I should be the one.”

Dina turns and looks up at the sky, and Ellie can’t tell if she’s trying to gauge the time, or if she just can’t stand to look at her, and she clears her throat,

“Ellie…”

Her voice is small at first, and when she finally looks back at her, Ellie can’t tell what’s in her eyes, and that worries her more than anything.

“Go be with Joel. I’ll be back soon.”

Dina pulls away from her grasp with finality, and starts walking down the steps of the clinic, before turning back and looking at her one more time, and again, her eyes are flashing something unknowable, something sad, where once Ellie saw nothing but warmth.

Ellie stands at the entrance and watches her leave until she disappears around the corner of a building, and wishes she had said more to get her to stay.

There was always going to be more to say.

\----------

As she clears the trees, coming out of the darkness of the forest path, what she sees confirms what she had been scared of, from the orange glow emanating ahead.

Dubois is burning.

She rides hard, and the sounds of screaming and gunfire echo into the night ahead of her.

It must be hunters.

What do they expect? There are no walls here.

She should just turn around, not get involved. It’s too dangerous.

But he had to be here. Where else could he have gone?

She ties up outside of town and hurries in, ducking into an alleyway.

People are running through the streets. Some carrying bales of water, trying to put out the fires. Others are just trying to get out of town. Others are fighting. 

She can make out a familiar symbol on a jacket that some of the rough looking men are wearing. She can’t remember what these people call themselves, but she’s had run-ins with them before when she’s been out. She would have been happy to not have another again.

It looks like there aren’t many of them left, like the people of Dubois have handled themselves pretty well. It must not have been a large group. The gunshots are spaced out fairly infrequently for a raid at this point. The biggest concern seems to be the fire.

She sprints across the street to another alley, hoping that she hasn’t been seen by any wayward eyes, and continues that process again a few more times, not quite sure where to go. She doesn’t think she can just start calling out his name, especially without calling attention to herself. 

But what if something happens to him?

What if something had already happened to him?

She risks moving out into the open for a better look around, and catches sight of a hunter chasing down a little girl, about a block down from her.

She lets out a deep sigh, and sprints off after him, catching up just as the man has grabbed the girls arm.

Instead of wasting a bullet, she runs her knife along his throat, jerking him away from the child, and throws his limp body to the ground as he grasps at the wound.

“You alright?”, she starts to say to the trembling girl, just as she hears about twenty feet away from her, at the corner of the street, near a blazing building,

“Franklin! You fucking bitch!”

She turns just in time to see another hunter level his gun at her, and she spins around, covering the girl with her body, readying herself for the impact of the bullet.

Instead it's the sound of a bottle breaking, and then a scuffle, and the sounds of the man gurgling, just like the one she had just taken out had.

And then she hears,

“Got you, motherfucker!”

And it’s that voice.

And she knows it.

She would always know that voice.

She knows it in her dreams.

She’ll know it long after she’s dead.

Dina reflexively shoots back up and turns around, the girl running off, and she doesn’t even notice where. Her eyes are fixed back on the corner where the man had been.

Standing there, her silhouette wreathed in flames, wiping that old switchblade on her jeans just like Dina has seen her do countless times before in another life, is Ellie.

So close to her that in the space of just a few steps she could have her in her arms again. 

Dina’s heart thunders in her chest and in her ears.

She's sucking in hungry mouthfuls of air, feeling like she’s breathing again after she’s been trapped underwater long enough to die a hundred times. A thousand times.

But now... 

Now she’s alive again.

Ellie looks up and sees her too, and time stops as their eyes find each other for the first time in five years, and Dina’s lips form her name, just as she hears her own reach her ears in that voice she never thought she’d hear again.

Sweet and beautiful and distant but never gone.

“Dina”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want this to hit the way I intended it to, find the instrumental version of "Ecstasy" by Crooked Still (like we all haven't listened to it a thousand times now), and start playing it when you start reading at the last break.
> 
> Wooooo, this chapter fought the hell out of me, but now it's here. It's done.
> 
> Big stuff is happening!
> 
> The song I listened to while writing this was, obviously, "Lost" by Luz. That's like... tracks 1-10 of the soundtrack to this story now.


	8. I Was Lost Until I Found You

By the third day, Dina can’t take it anymore. She can’t pretend she understands. So, she just stands up, and walks out.

What’s Talia going to do? Get up and follow her? 

No. She’ll just keep sitting there on that stupid little stool. Sit there and act like any of this means anything.

As Dina goes to leave, ignoring Talia’s calls for her to come back, she moves past the mirror in the hallway, the sheet over it swaying as she rushes by. That part, at least, she gets. 

She hasn’t been able to look at herself in the mirror for weeks anyways.

She slams the door behind her, startling Goony as he lounges on the front steps, and he darts away behind them. Normally, she’d spend the next few minutes trying to woo the skinny little mottled cat back out with any little extra scraps of food they have, try to play with him, but she doesn’t pay him any mind. She hasn’t even seen Ghost in days, but the absence hasn’t bothered her. She’s had other things to worry about.

She jogs off down the street, finding it just as empty as it always has been lately. Barely anyone else is around, where she was used to seeing neighbors. Doors hung open in their frames, exposing houses with no one left in them.

People didn’t tell her much; thought she was too young to know, but she still heard things. Las Cruces wasn’t safe anymore. Too many infected were making their way south these days and stumbling across the town, and now families that had settled there were leaving. Many people just packed everything they could and left. Other’s took up with the Raven’s. Dina wasn’t even sure what it was about that that made her stomach turn, but something about them had scared her when they had first come to town and made their offers of protection and a better life. The men had stared so much at Talia and at her.

Dina, Talia, and their mom had been in Las Cruces for almost four years, having followed another small group south out of Albuquerque after they had fled. After their father had been murdered. It was just as much home to her as the ranch had been. She couldn’t imagine leaving it now, but it seemed like that choice was going to be made for them, and sooner rather than later.

As her feet carry her away from their house, she knows where she’s going, but still stops, unsure, in front of the cemetery, before heading in among the headstones. She walks through the scrub grass overgrowing what was once a path, retracing the steps she had taken only days ago.

The stones abruptly shift from being adorned with signs of the cross to the familiar six pointed star, and when she finds the one she’s looking for, she sits down heavy next to it, her hand resting on the still loose soil. 

No flowers marked the grave. Talia had, politely, removed the ones the few people who had come to the funeral had brought, simply telling them that in their religion, flowers were a sign of joy, not of mourning.

Dina had hated that. It was a stupid rule. The flowers had been beautiful, bursts of yellow, bright and wonderful. They looked wild. Someone would have had to venture out to the nearby foothills to pick them. It was a kind gesture.

She thinks their mom would have liked them.

Looking at the inscription on the stone, Dina can’t shake feeling that it’s like looking at a stranger's name. She knows that’s what other people called her, but Dina never knew her by that name. She was and will alway be “mom” to her.

Sitting there, fresh dirt in her hand as she clenches her fist and a name she hardly knows in front of her eyes, Dina whispers a prayer to herself, and wonders if maybe, somewhere, her mom can hear her say it.

It isn’t like the ones that Talia says. It isn’t proper, and filled with praise. It doesn’t call out for divine mercy or guidance. It isn’t even in Hebrew. It’s small, and it’s quiet, and it’s simple, and it’s just for the two of them, and she holds it in her heart long after it’s left her lips.

She leans her head forward, and rests it against the stone, and stays there until she hears footsteps behind her, causing her to spin around, her hand reaching for the small knife she keeps in the sheath on her side.

“Easy”, Talia says, holding her hands up as she approaches, “It’s just me.”

Dina turns back around with a huff, “What are you doing here? Don’t you have more sitting to do?”

Talia makes her way over and sits down close to Dina, “Don’t _you_ have more sitting to do?”

“I am sitting.”

“Dina…”

“What?”, Dina spits back, “I don’t even believe in that bullshit.”

Talia sighs, and puts her hand on Dina’s back, “But _she_ did. We sit shiva for the dead, not for ourselves.”

Dina wipes at the tears forming in her eyes, unable to turn and look at her sister, or match the even tone in her voice. How can she just say that so calmly? _“The dead”._

“So, what? We’re just going to go back in there and sit in the house for four more days?”

“Well… it does mean ‘seven’, not ‘almost three’, so…”, she can hear that same playful sarcastic tilt in Talia’s voice that so often finds its way into her own. They had both gotten it from their mom, and she has to fight down a smile.

She’s about to give in, agree to go back, when Talia continues, “... but no. No, I don’t think so.” 

Dina turns back to her, genuinely surprised that Talia is even talking about going against tradition, and Talia continues with a hard certainty when she says,

“I think we need to move on.”

Dina wasn’t expecting it so soon.

“Are you sure…?”

Talia is looking past her, her eyes fixed on their mother’s headstone, 

“Yeah… I’m sure”, and Dina doesn’t try to argue.

They slowly make the walk back out of the cemetery together, after Talia has said one last elaborate prayer at the grave, and Dina can feel her heart overwhelming her. She’ll never be back here again, every step taking her farther away.

“Talia, can I… can I ask you something?”, Dina has to swallow past the lump in her throat, forcing the words out. She’s never spoken with anyone about this before, and thought she could just let it go, but now with mom gone…

“Anything.” Talia responds without hesitation.

“Did I… do the right thing?”

Talia’s feet stop, and she turns and looks at her, sympathy and sadness on her face,

“Oh Dina… you did.”

Dina can’t look at her, and she feels the hazy sting of tears starting to form in her eyes,

“But now mom’s dead anyways…”

She feels Talia’s slender arms wrap around her tight and pull her in, and Talia’s voice soft in her ear,

“If you hadn’t… he might have killed her then, and we’d have lost every second we had left with her. He might have killed you and then you and I wouldn’t have each other.”

Talia pulls back and forces Dina to look her in the eye, as tears fall down both their cheeks,

“You did the right thing. You did. We’re survivors. Our family. You and I. Mom wouldn’t want you to doubt that. I don’t want you to doubt that.”

Talia wraps her hand around Dina’s, and starts walking again, like she has a renewed purpose in her steps, and Dina turns and follows.

When they’re almost home, Talia smiles a little, and says something in Hebrew that Dina doesn’t understand.

“What does that mean?”, Dina asks, their hands swinging slowly together between them.

Talia looks at her and says, _“No more will your sun set, nor your moon be darkened, for God will be an eternal light for you, and your days of mourning shall end.”_

They pack their bags that evening, taking only what they can carry with them on their mothers horse. Dina leaves one last bowl of food and water out for Goony and Ghost, and under cover of night, they leave their home. 

On the road out of Las Cruces, Dina turns back one more time, and then doesn’t turn back again.

\----------

The paint is chipping, in the corner of the ceiling.

Not much they could do about that. Paint was in short supply, at least for domestic purposes. Certainly the durable type you’d use to paint the inside of a house and have it last wasn’t something she heard about people coming by a lot. 

Where would they even get that color, even if they could find paint? They’d never be able to match it. The ceiling wasn’t just _white_ white… more of a creamy, eggshell off-white. 

No. They’d never find one that would match. They’d have to repaint the whole ceiling if they started. It’d really turn into a whole thing. 

Just for that little chip? Seems silly.

Of course, the chip will grow eventually…

Dina lies there, wide awake in bed, staring at the chipped paint in the corner above her face. Focusing on it. Studying it. Wondering about it. Has it been like that long? If so, for how long?

Why has she never noticed?

She imagines reaching up and picking at it until it falls, and another edge forms. Something else to pick at, something else to get her nails under and pull away. She pictures tearing at the next one, and the next. Just a near endless cycle of tearing away at chips until eventually, there was nothing left, and no way to fix it.

Maybe the chipping paint wasn’t the best way to distract herself.

She sighs heavily, and shifts onto her side, facing the empty spot on the bed next to her, letting her hand fall on the space where Jesse usually is.

It’s a strange feeling, one she doesn’t expect to find in herself, but she misses him being there. She’s not sure what to make of it. She knows… she knows she isn’t in love with him, that the last time she felt like she was has been so long ago now that she can’t even remember the moment. Sometime when they were teenagers. 

She almost laughs thinking about that. Such a strange thing to laugh at, the way things like that work. It just made her think of mundanities. Like the last time you wore a shirt before it just didn’t fit anymore. Do you even remember the time? 

How did something that once seemed so important become so small?

Now, even though she’s spent so many nights out on patrol sleeping on the hard ground, with nothing to comfort her but a bed roll and a sleeping bag, and even though she knows that whatever it is that her and Jesse share, it isn’t being in love, she still finds that empty spot sad, and finds herself lonely. She realizes she’s never spent a night alone in this bed. 

Jesse has always been there with her. 

He’s always been there for her.

She isn’t sure what time it is when she finally decides to just get up. Sleep just isn’t finding her.

She quietly leaves their bedroom, careful not to wake Elijah, moving down the stairs, and isn’t surprised to see a blue glow still emanating from the living room when she walks in.

Jesse lays sprawled across the couch, his tall frame barely fitting, one leg hanging off, with the television on in front of him. He must have been watching a movie that ended, nothing but blank blue coming out from the screen now.

The windows are open, the light curtains never coming to rest, held aloft by the cool wind coming down off the mountains, carrying the heat of the early summer off into the night. It’s cooler down here than upstairs, almost uncomfortably so with the windows open, and she gently pulls the sheet draped across Jesse's body lower, to cover his bare feet.

Looking at him, sleeping down here, too big for the couch, she can’t feel anything but guilty. He, of course, had insisted. Used the excuse that it was easier with his leg, anyway. He wouldn’t have to walk up the stairs. 

He was just being Jesse though. Too kind. Too good for his own good. Unflappable. 

It turned out he did have a breaking point though, and it seems like she’s found it.

She knew she couldn’t keep it covered forever, that he’d find out eventually. It makes her wonder why she ever thought it was a good idea in the first place. Maybe she never has. She just knew she had to do it, and now it was a part of her. Something she could never take back. Something she didn’t want to take back.

So she had decided to just not try to hide it at all.

When Jesse had seen the tattoo Cat had done on her, he had known what it meant almost as soon as Cat had when Dina showed her the design. Dina was actually surprised how quickly he recognized the significance. Maybe she shouldn’t have been. Jesse and Ellie had been close, too. It was easy to forget that sometimes.

Jesse hadn’t fought with her. Hadn’t yelled at her. He had barely even said a word. He only told her he’d be sleeping on the couch until they figured something else out. She wasn’t sure what he had meant by that. She wasn’t sure he even knew. It just seemed like he couldn’t bear to sleep next to her again.

She couldn’t blame him.

Dina considers giving him a kiss on the forehead before heading back upstairs. Maybe just touching his hair. Something soothing. Something loving.

Instead she moves across the room and shuts off the television, hearing from the couch behind her,

“Hey… I was watching that.” She finds Jesse looking at her with one eye open, rubbing at the other and yawning, when she turns around to him.

“It was just getting to the good part, too”, she says, walking back over to the couch and sitting on the arm next to his feet, looking down at him.

Jesse stretches, his arms and legs extending and his feet pressing against her. There’s such familiarity to the action, an intimacy. Maybe in another life it would have been something that excited her. Now she’s not sure what it does.

“What are you still doing up?”, he asks through another yawn.

She pushes against his feet until he pulls them up, and turns her body, pulling her own legs up on to the couch until she’s facing him,

“Couldn’t sleep”, she admits.

“Yeah, me neither”, he says, scratching the stubble on his cheek.

“You were literally just asleep”, she smiles, kicking his feet.

He chuckles, “Well… I’m not now.” 

“Yeah…”, she rests her elbows on her knees, and her chin in her palms, and looks out the open windows into the street.

It doesn’t feel right, just sitting here. Trying to be comfortable. Acting like nothings wrong. 

They’ve been doing that for years now. 

“Do you… want to talk about it?” she offers, not able to look at him as she asks.

Jesse pulls in a long breath, and slowly lifts his leg off the couch, sitting up, facing the windows as well,

“Is there really anything to talk about?”, the resignation in his voice heavy and clear.

Dina doesn’t know how to respond, so she doesn’t, just letting the question linger in the air between them. Is there anything to talk about? Of course there is… isn’t there? 

There’s Elijah. What would they tell him? 

And they’ve been married for three years. Even if it hadn’t been what either of them wanted or expected… surely… that means something? Doesn’t it?

Jesse turns to look at her, the moonlight barely lighting both of their faces,

“I guess I just thought… We have a family together...and I miss her too, you know?” Dina’s face stills at the mention of the ever-present but never brought up her, “but… I don’t know. I just thought we’d at least get to be as important to you as she is…”

Dina’s gaze falls to the floor, as he continues,

“... that I might get to be.”

“Jesse…”, she starts to say, but isn’t sure how to finish. “I don’t… I don’t know what to say.”

“Me neither.”

“So… what are we going to do?”

Jesse just shrugs, looking like he’s entirely out of answers. 

Dina moves down onto the couch next to him, and puts her arm around his waist, resting her head on his shoulder, and he leans his head against hers. 

She just feels tired. Not physically, but in every part of her heart and her soul. She doesn’t know how long she can keep doing this. Not just whatever dance Jesse and her keep doing, but how long she can keep holding on to... nothing, really. A dream. A ghost.

It’s been so long, and there’s been nothing. No trace of her anywhere. 

She turns and looks at Jesse beside her, patient and present, and wonders if he’s just waiting for her to say she wants out, or if he’ll keep trying, as long as she does.

Ellie will always be with her now, she thinks as she can imagine the ink in her side tingling.

Maybe that’ll have to be enough, and she’ll just have to finally let the rest of her life go on.

\----------

“Alright, take your time… there’s no rush”, Talia whispered, her voice low at her side.

“Well, there’s a little-”, Dina tries to quip, before Talia cuts back in.

“There’s no rush… Just breathe in, and out.”

Dina takes a couple shallow breaths,

“I want to hear it.”

Dina takes a few more, exaggerating the sound.

She doesn’t take her own eyes away, but she can practically hear Talia’s rolling in their sockets, and she smirks to herself.

“Now”, Talia says, a bit more edge in her voice, “level the sights with each other and-”

“-make sure the front is centered, even space with the sides. I know. I have fired a gun before.”, Dina huffed.

“Yeah, but you’re not very good at it”.

“Everyone’s a critic…”

Dina tries to tune her out, and just concentrate on the task in front of her. They both lay on a small outcropping of rocks, a dense covering of brush obscuring their position from the world around them. The breeze is in front of them, carrying the crisp mountain air with it. The sunlight comes in through the leaves and pine needles high overhead in broken streams, falling down onto the creek cutting through the woods.

They had tracked a pair of deer there, Talia letting Dina lead, to practice what they had been working on. The tracking had gone well enough, leading some distance away from where they had set up camp, through a long pair of rows of identical cabins in an overgrown field, and now down into the woods, where they’d found them, drinking from the slow, clear water, none the wiser to their presence.

When they’d set up on the rock, Talia had handed the rifle over too, and nodded in the direction of the deer. 

Guess it was going to be that kind of day.

“Now...”, Talia said, her voice barely a whisper, “just… once you’ve got it…”

Dina lines the sights up, letting them fall between the shoulder blades on the smaller of the two deer as it hunches it’s head to drink. Talia let her pick the target, and she considered the larger one, but they could only carry so much with them, and there was no need to waste anything they didn’t need to. She tries to ignore the way the pace of her heartbeat picks up, and the sweat that trickles down onto her brow. 

“One more deep breath...”

It never got easier when the moment came.

“...let it out…”

Dina slowly exhales, waiting for those few moments when her breath is gone but her lungs aren’t asking for more.

“...and squeeze the-”

Both deer shoot their heads up, turning away from the creek in the direction of the sound of a snapping branch, somewhere close. They go to run, and before Talia can stop her, Dina fires.

One deer drops to the ground as the gunshot echoes into the woods, and with pride on her face, Dina turns to her sister, to see nothing but fear gripping Talia, her eyes wide as she scans the trees.

Dina is about to ask her what’s wrong when Talia’s hand clamps tight over her mouth, and Dina follows her gaze beyond the fallen deer, finding two men walking slowly through the bushes, making motions to each other with their hands in Dina and Talia’s direction. 

Talia doesn’t take her eyes off of them, and slowly gets up to a low crouch, still beneath the brush that was obscuring them, and picks up a rock. She breaks her gaze and looks back down to Dina for a moment, and Dina rises as quietly as she can to her feet, preparing herself to move. 

Talia chucks the rock out as far away from them as she can, and they’re already moving before it lands somewhere in the stream with a wet, splashing thud. Dina spares a quick look back, and sees a third man emerge as her and Talia disappear into the woods.

They stay low, moving as fast as possible, Dina still clutching the rifle, Talia unholstering her pistol. Dina’s heart is pounding in her ears, and she tries to keep looking forward, even as Talia keeps turning to look behind them.

When they reach the cabins, Talia immediately starts testing doors, while Dina stands there, thinking she should be keeping watch but feeling utterly useless. She doesn’t know what to do. How to help. How not to be a burden. She just knows she wasn’t paying enough attention, and now they have to hide because of her.

Eventually, Talia stops trying the doors, and instead crouches down, looking underneath the cabins. They all have a small crawl space underneath them, holding the structure maybe a foot or two off the ground. She waves Dina over to one, and they both shimmy underneath, hiding as best as they can behind the stairs going up to the cabin’s door, and they watch the place in the woods where they had come from.

Not twenty seconds later, they see the first man come slowly stalking out of the trees, and then the second, and the third. Dina can’t help but think they move like the coyotes she used to see out around the fringes of the ranch. A predator's gait. It makes her skin crawl.

The men spread out, and begin searching the cabins, breaking the doors open, and it’s hard to keep her eyes on all of them as they disappear inside of the buildings and come out of different places. She’s hoping Talia is doing better at it than she is. 

Eventually, two of the men make their way to the last cabin and check inside, then come out, shrugging to each other. She doesn’t think she can hear them talking, they just keep doing strange hand signals. As they turn to start walking back into the woods, the third man whistles to them, his eyes still on the cabins, and he points down with two fingers on one hand at the crawl space under the far cabin next to him.

Dina feels like she’s about to scream, and she turns to Talia, but her sister looks calm, composed. Talia pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose, and smiles a small, sad smile at her, as Dina tries to understand what’s going on, and Talia mouths to her,

_“Stay here.”_

Talia starts to crawl away from her, and Dina frantically grabs her arm, her eyes wild and raw. 

Talia places her hand on top of Dina’s and smiles again, mouthing, 

_“I’ll be back. I love you.”_

Dina takes a few seconds before letting go, looking back at the men getting closer before she does. When her eyes find Talia’s again, Talia’s are still just as steady as they were before, and when Dina releases her grip, Talia immediately crawls out of the back of the cabin. 

Dina watches her feet as they slowly make their way alongside the corner, rush to an adjoining building, and then come around to the front, and her whole body shakes when a gunshot pops off, and one of the men falls to the ground.

His eyes meet Dina’s under the cabin and for a moment it looks like he’s going to say something, try to point her out, but his mouth only falls open, and then it looks like he doesn’t see anything anymore.

She hears a few more close shots before watching Talia’s feet sprint off. She huddles as far back into the stairs as she can, only twisting her head around so she can see the direction Talia goes, and as she does she sees her disappear back into the woods, and seconds later, the two surviving men follow. 

Dina hides beneath those stairs and waits. She waits through more gunshots. She waits after they stop, and long after that. 

That’s what Talia would tell her to do.

Hours go by and she doesn’t move until the sun starts to go down, certain that the men aren’t coming back, even for their dead partner. She still stays low and quiet as she emerges, under the tall grass surrounding the cabins, stepping where she already sees a footprint when she can.

Like Talia had taught her.

In the woods, it doesn’t take her long to find the trail. The men hadn’t been careful as they pursued her sister. Broken branches and heavy footfalls in the dirt marked their path easily, and Dina followed it. She knows that Talia wouldn’t want her to be doing this. She’d tell her it’s too dangerous, too risky. That she should go back to camp. Pack up. Wait. Then move on if she didn’t show up.

But Dina couldn’t do that.

She had to know.

And sooner than she thought she would, she does.

As she comes to a fallen tree, she sees the top of it stained red with drying blood, and when she crests it, there’s nothing but more woods in front of her, and she feels relief like she’s never felt before wash over her body. 

But something on the fringe of her vision catches her eye.

She hadn’t seen her, not at first, having leapt right past when she came over the log, but there she was. Sitting against the wood, her legs splayed in front of her, and her head fallen down to the side, is Talia, and Dina knows. 

She doesn’t need to see the bullet wound high in her stomach or the deep stab in her side, blood no longer seeping out of either.

It’s in the stillness of her. The absolute quiet. 

She’s drained of all of the color and the vibrancy and the life that once made her Talia.

Her mother’s oldest daughter.

Her big sister.

Her teacher and protector.

Her best and only friend.

Dina stands there looking down at her for longer than she knows. 

No tears are coming, or any feeling at all. It’s like she’s just been emptied out. 

There’s just nothing now where all the space inside she kept for Talia used to be. Every little room. Every hidden place in Dina’s heart that was just for the two of them had gone dark and cold, and their doors had closed.

A cursory glance tells Dina that her pistol is gone, as well her knife, and she kneels down to check her pockets, searching for her extra magazine, her flint, anything that will be useful.

As she continues to find nothing, she doesn’t know why but she starts hitting Talia’s chest, softly at first, but then harder and harder, with the heels of her fists, until she’s pounding against her body, and before she knows it, the tears are falling from her eyes like rain, and nothing she can do will make them stop.

She pulls Talia’s body into hers and cradles her, caressing her sister's hair, smoothing it out where it’s become unruly and wild. Touching it for the last time.

She sits there on the ground holding Talia and she cries and cries, but not for long. She doesn’t scream like her body is aching to. She doesn’t let herself linger. 

Talia would tell her she can’t stay there.

She doesn’t have the implements to bury her with, so she takes as many stones as she can find from around her and the creek nearby, and she covers Talia’s body in them. It’s the best she can do for her.

Before she does, she kisses Talia’s forehead and her cheeks, and gently removes the leather bracelet from Talia’s wrist, wrapping it snuggly around her own, her thumb rubbing against the metal hamsa tied to it.

She doesn’t really know any of the prayers that Talia knew, but she says one anyways, doing her best to speak what she can remember. Words that would have comforted Talia. Then, just like she had at their mother’s grave, she says another, smaller one of her own making, just for the two of them, and she hopes that wherever she’s gone, Talia can hear it.

Dina makes her way back to their camp, and packs up everything she can carry by herself. She looks up at the stars, finds the right ones to guide her way, and starts heading north. Even though it’s night, and she needs to sleep, she knows it isn’t safe around this place anymore. She has to move on. She has to keep going. 

Just like Talia had taught her.

And so she would. No matter what. She’d find her way. Whatever she had to do. She’d keep going. 

It’s what her family did.

They were survivors.

\----------

The days of the summer pass slowly, but despite the dry, thin heat, they go by comfortably as well.

It’s always easier when Dina lets go.

She’s “let go” more times over the last five years than she can remember now, but maybe this time… it’ll stick.

She returns to a normal patrol assignment, taking less of the longer ones, less of the far off ones. She spends more time at home. With Elijah. She’s spent so much time away, searching for something else that was missing, that sometimes she forgets the wonder she has waiting for her at home in her son. 

She'll always be thankful that he’ll never know how long it had taken for her to bond with him after he was born. The overwhelming sadness that had taken over during his first months. The long days when she couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed, even when he cried. 

Robin had told her that it was something that happened sometimes, that she would be alright and that it would pass. That it didn’t make her a bad mother. 

And eventually it had passed, but the guilt had taken much longer. Even when she could hold Elijah in her arms and he would smile up at her with all the love in the world. 

Seeing him, grown into a happy young boy now, she’s nothing but thankful. For an infant's memory, or lack thereof, and for Jesse, for seeing their son through when she couldn’t.

Jesse...

They still sleep apart at first, for weeks. Her in the bed upstairs. Him on the couch. 

Then one night he knocks on the door and asks if he can sleep in the bed again, that his neck just can’t do it anymore, and she smiles and says, _“Of course.”_

Sleeping is all they do.

Dina thinks they understand each other better now than they have in years. It doesn’t feel like she’s lying to him anymore. She doesn’t know what it’ll lead to. Maybe nothing. Probably nothing. She doesn’t even know what he’s hoping for, if anything at all.

She’s just glad that she’s finally laid herself bare.

\----------

Dina stands in the bathroom, her hands gripping the edges of the sink, her face dripping with the water she’s just splashed on herself.

She’s tried to avoid this for so long, but how can she now?

He knows. There’s no way he can’t.

She lets her eyes drift up to the mirror and find themselves staring back. She wasn’t sure what she thought would be in them. Fear? Apprehension?

All she finds is certainty.

It’s time.

It’s _been_ time.

She opens the door, and Jesse is sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling his shirt on over his shoulders, already having dressed the rest of himself again. He looks at her for a brief second before his eyes shoot away, and she slowly walks over and sits on the bed as well, miles of distance between them. 

Jesse rests his hands on his knees and sucks in his lips, tapping his fingers over and over, looking like he’s trying to figure out what to say.

Dina sits and waits for him. He deserves to at least choose the terms this happens on.

Eventually, he says, “Well… that was… different.”

She lets a single humorless laugh out through her nose,

“Yeah…”

He turns and looks at her, and she looks back, and when their eyes meet, she can feel it. Everything he’s thought over the past months. The past year, at least. Everything confirmed.

This was over.

Not like the other times. This wasn’t a “break”. There was no getting back together in a week at the next bonfire. No falling back on old habits.

It was done.

Jesse’s lips try to turn up into a version of that smile of his, but they just can’t seem to do it, and he looks back down at his feet.

“What, uh… what changed?”, he asks.

“I guess we did.” She lies.

She can’t tell him the truth.

She can’t tell him that she’d finally realized what a part of her had always known but she had fought so, so hard.

It was Ellie.

It had always been Ellie.

It would always be Ellie.

She couldn’t tell him that she had raged against it because of her father. Because of her mother. Because of Talia. Because they were gone and she didn’t think she had a place for anyone else. For anything real. All of those rooms were closed off, locked up. She had never really even told him about her family before. 

The only person who knew was Ellie. 

The only person who knew _her_ was Ellie.

She couldn’t tell him that she never let him in, not really. She never let anyone in. Kept everyone at a distance with smiles and laughter. 

She hadn’t planned to let Ellie in. 

But there she was. 

Standing on the other side of all her carefully constructed walls, never having even raised a blow to knock them down, seeing Dina exposed and naked and vulnerable and still loving her and accepting her with that big stupid smile on her face.

She couldn’t have kept Ellie out if she tried. 

And now Ellie was there, as much a part of her as her own hands or her lips or her heart. 

In all the chaos of the world, in all the destruction, the one person who really saw her had found her. Ellie had found her. 

She couldn’t let that go. She couldn’t hold herself back from it.

Not now that she let herself accept it.

Not anymore.

“I’m sorry”, she offers, placing her hand over his and squeezing, before standing up from the bed.

“Yeah, me too.”

Jesse stands as well, and she hugs him tight. A part of her will always love him, and she knows he’ll find someone who’ll love him back the way he deserves to be loved.

She goes to leave his room, turning as she opens the door to look back at her now ex-boyfriend one more time, 

He finds his smile and says, “See you around.”

“See you around.”

\----------

Cat sits sideways in her chair, her back leaning against the wall, her glass in her hand, nursing her beer like she always does. Dina picks at the remaining half of her burger, and Cat looks over at it.

“You gonna finish that?”, she asks, her finger already curled around the tray, pulling it over to her.

“Guess I’m not.” Dina says, grabbing one last bit of tomato and popping it into her mouth before Cat picks it up and starts eating.

“I don’t know how you stay so skinny, the way you eat.”

Cat grins as she inhales the burger, “Me and Astrid get plenty of-”

“I’m going to stop you there. We’re eating, Catherine.”

“Not my name.”

“Catrina?”

Cat shakes her head.

Dina puts on her contemplative face, “Catamari… Cat...amaran”

“Catamaran. You figured it out.” Cat says taking a sip of her beer.

Dina chuckles and looks around the room. Same people that are always in there this time of day, around the shift change. Everything always the same. She sips on her whiskey and turns back to Cat,

“Hey, why don’t we ever eat at The Clay Pit?”

Cat shrugs, “Cause Ronnie is a dick?”

Dina raises an eyebrow, “Seth’s a dick.”

“Yeah, but he makes a great burger.” Cat says, finishing it off. 

Dina sighs softly, and nods, “Yeah, guess he does.”

She rests her arms on the table, and then her chin on her arms.

Cat scrunches her eyebrows together for a second, and gives her a funny look, like she’s trying to analyze a problem, asking,

“You doing alright?”

“Yeah… I’m fine. Things are fine. Why?”, she says, looking sideways at Cat.

“I dunno, just… you’ve seemed off, the last few weeks.”

Dina shrugs, but she can’t deny it. She knows it’s been longer, and is happy that it’s only seemed like a few weeks on the outside. 

Cat offers her a sympathetic smile, “I thought things were going pretty well… with…?”

Dina waves her off, “No-I mean… yeah. Jesse is good. Fine. Jesse is fine.”

Cat couldn’t look more skeptical if she tried, “You’ve said ‘fine’ like four times in the last twenty seconds. Just how fucked up are you right now?”

Dina smiles a little, sitting back in her chair, holding her arms across herself, 

“I don’t know, Cat… I don’t know… I thought I could make everything okay. After you gave me my tattoo-”

“Work of art.”

“Work of art… I thought that would be, like… I don’t know. Closure or something. I thought it’d do _something._ But it’s been, what? Five months? And nothing… I just... Maybe that was just stupid of me…”

Cat slowly swivels in her chair, turning to face Dina completely, and Dina knows her well enough to know that there’s something she wants to say that she’s not.

“What?”, Dina asks.

Cat wets her lips and opens them to speak, but then closes them again, biting the bottom one and looking away for a second. She looks… worried.

“Cat, what is it?”

“Um… so…”, Cat starts, her voice reluctant, “I have to tell you something.”

Dina lifts her hands and her shoulders, just waiting, urging her on.

Cat scratches the side of her head.

“Look, you’re going to be angry. Just know that I didn’t say anything before because when I heard, things seemed like they were going so well. I didn’t… I don’t know, I didn’t want to fuck that up.”

Dina is tapping her heel impatiently, “Just tell me.”

Cat draws in a long breath, and looks away, like she’s about to confess to a crime or something, 

“So… I do tattoos for a lot of people. Sometimes people who are just passing through, traders, you know? Sometimes people talk a lot. Sets them at ease.”

Dina nods, it had certainly helped her get through it.

“A couple months back there was this one guy who came in. He wanted this really awful design. Like barbed wire across-”

“I really don’t give a fuck what tattoo he wanted”, Dina says, a little more annoyed than she means to. She can’t tell where this is going, but for some reason it’s setting her on edge.

Cat laughs nervously, “Yeah, sorry, sorry. So, anyway, he gets to talking. He talks a lot, super rambling. Somehow he gets to talking about a friend of his who was going to get married, but found out that his fiance used to sleep with, god fucking forbid, a girl-”

Dina’s foot stops tapping.

“-and before he broke it off with her, he’d made her tell him all the details, the sick fuck. One of which was that this girl his fiance was seeing had a tattoo on her arm that she kept covered up except when they were, well...”

Dina thinks she’s stopped breathing, that her heart has stopped beating. 

It can’t be. It can’t.

There’s been no sign.

No trace.

“I asked what it was-”

She was gone. As good as dead.

Cat is watching her carefully, “-Pretty sure it was a moth, he says-” 

Dina can’t think straight. This can’t really be happening.

“-Wanted to know if I had done it, not a lot of people _around here_ doing tattoos.”

Her eyes refusing to focus, Dina tries to look up at her,

“... Around… around here?”

Cat nods, her voice low and conspiratorial, “He said this was in Dubois.”

Dina has to grip her chest when she hears it. Dubois was less than a hundred miles away. Maybe a three day ride.

How long had Ellie been there? Months? Years? All this time?

Had she been this close all this time?

“I have to…”, Dina gets up from her chair and starts to move towards the door.

Cat rushes behind her, grabbing Dina’s jacket.

“Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey. C’mon, you can’t go to Dubois now.”

Dina takes her jacket from her, and looks at her dimly, 

“I’m just going home. I have to… I have to think about all this.”

Cat looks like she doesn’t believe a word she’s saying, and goes back to the table to get her own jacket, coming back and grabbing Dina’s arm like she’s about to walk a drunk back to their bed, 

“I’ll walk you there”

\----------

When Jesse and Elijah get home later that night from dinner with Robin and Mitchell, it’s to find Dina hurriedly packing a backpack full of supplies, and loading her pistol.

She doesn’t stop for a moment when they come in, and doesn’t see the concern on Jesse’s face, barely hearing him say,

“Hey buddy, why don’t you go play in your room for a little bit?”

Elijah instead rushes over and hugs Dina’s legs, causing her to stop moving, and she’s kneels and hugs him back, kissing his cheek, and says,

“Do what Dad says, okay?”

Elijah gives her a frustrated look, but does as he’s told, and runs up the stairs into his room.

Once they’re sure he’s there, Jesse turns back to her, and asks softly,

“What’s… what’s going on? You’re not scheduled for patrol or anything.”

Dina looks up at him, her face resolved. She’s already decided she’s just going to tell him the truth. He deserves that.

“Ellie is in Dubois.”

Jesse’s whole body stills when she says it.

“So… I’m going to go find her.”

Jesse opens his mouth a few times to say something, but no words come out, and he just nods, looking away. 

“Tonight?”, he finally asks.

Dina nods back in reply.

They stand in silence together, across the room from each other, Dina’s hand on her packed bag.

“I’m sorry-”, she starts to say.

“Don’t be sorry,” he interjects, “Just don’t go.”

Dina looks away from him, saying quietly, “I have to.”

Jesse snorts, but even that sounds sad. 

Dina can only nod again, and pick up her bag, making her way to the door.

Jesse rushes to step in front of her, worry painting his face,

“Wait, wait, wait, please. Just…”

“Jesse-”

“I know, I know”, he pleads, “I know I can’t get you to not go, but… for our son. Don’t go tonight. Please. Don’t ride at night. Go in the morning. It’s safer. If she’s there now she’ll still be there if you get there twelve hours later than you would have.”

Dina sighs, and wants to argue, but he’s right. It was dangerous, reckless to just try to leave now. She was letting the fire in her blood get the better of her.

She had just waited so long.

“Please. For Elijah.”

Dina takes a long breath, and sets her bag back on the table.

“Alright.”

Jesse steps back away from her and searches her face, trying to ascertain if she’s telling the truth or not.

She looks him in the eyes, and it seems to satisfy him.

“Okay”, he says, “I’ll, uh… I’ll put Elijah to bed, and then I guess I’ll… I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

“I’ll put Elijah to bed, you can rest.” Dina doesn’t try to argue with the other part.

That night, Dina falls asleep easier and faster than she thought she’d be able to, but she doesn’t dream, at least not that she can remember. 

She gets up early, wanting to head out as soon as possible, but when she gets downstairs, Jesse isn’t on the couch.

He isn’t in Elijah's room.

He’s gone.

And Dina doesn’t have to guess where he went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER chapter that fought the hell out of me, but it's here now.
> 
> It's here.
> 
> Ehefic helped me work through this one, so blame her for anything you don't like.
> 
> Song is still and forever "Lost" by Luz.


	9. Still Know Your Heart and Still Know Both Your Eyes

Five years.

Seven months.

And three days.

There isn’t all that much that Ellie keeps track of anymore. 

The few livestock they keep at the cabin. The small garden outside of it.

Joel’s meds… his birthday. That one’s easy, being tied to Outbreak day. They drilled that date so hard into her head in the Academy she couldn’t forget it if she tried.

She only remembers when it’s her own because Joel won’t let her forget, insisting on marking the occasion. She’d like to just let it go. It didn’t feel like there was much to celebrate for her. Just getting older out here on their own. 

Most things just fly by her. The seasons come and go, time passes. Nothing much changes at all. The world turning around her while she’s been stuck in place, haunting the cabin like a ghost.

But she still marks the days, even if she can’t say what day it is.

And it’s been five years. 

Seven months. 

And three days.

It shouldn’t matter right now, but that string of numbers just keeps playing in her mind, over and over and over, like that old stopwatch Maria kept to time the patrol trainee’s during drills. Ever present. The minutes and hours and days just constantly turning, higher and higher.

It’s been so, so long.

Since they both saw each other. Really saw each other. Since she looked at Dina and knew that she saw her too. She hadn’t felt seen since. Not by Jenny. Not even by Joel.

Since she last touched her, and felt Dina’s arms wrap tight back around her, a promise unspoken in their grasp. A promise Ellie had broken. 

Since the last time Dina whispered in her ear, her voice low and honest, and started to tell her that she’d do anything for her before Ellie had stopped her from speaking, unable to bear to hear it.

Ellie never thought she’d hear her voice again.

She hadn’t given that final look, that final touch the gravity they had deserved. Hadn’t let them linger like they should have. She just hadn’t known.

She would have done so much so differently.

There was so much she would have at least told her. That she was her best friend. That she loved her. That she was in love with her. That she always had been. 

That she always would be.

She thought she’d never have the chance. 

But now…

Now, standing in that street, the heat of open flames at her back, illuminating the dark in front of her and casting their glow on that girl she was so certain was always going to only be part of her past, Ellie can feel the embers of all that lost possibility spring back into new life, and the fire that erupts in her chest out shines those burning around her.

Five years.

Seven months.

And three days.

Kept apart by a secret and so many miles that it might as well have been the other side of the earth.

But the only thing separating them now is maybe twenty feet of road.

And Ellie closes the distance almost as fast as Dina does.

\----------

The clouds had cleared sometime in the early hours, and the late morning sun is bright in the sky, warming the air, already clearing out the light snow that had fallen over night. The melting powder is making the ground thick with mud, and Shimmer’s hooves make a distinct sloshing sound as they tread over it, as Ellie guides her down the trail a few lengths behind Japan.

She feels uncomfortably warm in her clothes, overdressed. As she watches Dina ride ahead of her, she can’t tell if the source of the heat is the unseasonable turn in the weather or if it’s coming from her own body. Just that every time Dina turns around and glances back, it seems to get a little bit hotter.

They’re out patrolling the Wilson Valley route, but as usual, all had been quiet. Wilson was so close to Jackson that there were hardly ever any sort of threats to find, never any infected. Ellie could do the whole thing with her eyes closed at this point. It was the only one she had been assigned to since moving up to paired patrols. 

She imagined that was Joel’s doing, his meddling, and any other day just the thought of that would have made her skin itch and her blood boil. But today, her mind was somewhere else entirely.

The word’s, the moment, the whole night. It all keeps replaying in her head. Distracting her from what she’s supposed to be paying attention to. A clicker could be screeching five feet from her and she probably wouldn’t notice.

She can’t stop picturing the way Dina had looked, even in the dark of the room with nothing but the moonlight filtering through the curtains as she said it. It was mirrored in Dina’s dark eyes, and it was like they were all Ellie could see.

The way Dina had felt, curled so close against her, her arm wrapped around her body and Dina’s head resting on her chest. The cold of the oncoming winter was seeping in through every seam and crack of the garage but Ellie had never felt so warm.

_“I’m not going to ask why you left… just… if you ever do again…”_

Ellie almost has to fight to keep her eyes open while remembering the end of it, like the words are as intimate as a kiss.

_“...I’m going with you.”_

There was no uncertainty, not a shred of doubt. No room for argument. 

It felt in that moment like Dina had claimed her. Like Dina was letting herself be claimed by her. That wherever it was that Ellie was going, Dina was going too.

Just thinking about it, Ellie has to unzip her jacket, and push the sleeves up her arms as another wave of heat courses through her. 

Is she fucking sweating? In the middle of November? 

There’s snow on the ground. Melting snow, but still. Fucking snow.

Ellie looks up and notices that Dina’s turned around, staring at her, her eyebrows raised, looking like she’s waiting for an answer. She thinks she must have said something to her, but Ellie didn’t catch what it was, lost in her own world.

She realizes her hand is raised, her own fingertips touching her lips, and her face must be bright red.

“Uh, what? Nothing.” She stammers out fast, dropping her hand, but not knowing what to do with it now. 

What the fuck do people do with their hands?

She settles on grabbing Shimmer’s reins, holding them now with both of her hands. 

Totally cool. Totally normal. 

Dina smirks a little, watching her struggle hard, 

“I said, ‘This route is always so boring.’ You feelin’ okay back there?”

Ellie laughs louder than feels appropriate, “No, yeah, I’m fine. Just kind of hot. How are… how are you?”

Dina just smiles, ignoring how obviously strange she’s being, and turns back around.

Another solid human interaction. Nailed it.

Ellie lets out a long breath and tries to calm herself down as she clicks her cheek, urging Shimmer forward.

As they ride on and the day passes, the sun getting higher in the sky, conversation coming a bit more easily as Ellie wills herself to try to play it at least a little more cool, she keeps catching sight of the leaves just beneath the skin of her arm.

Cat had finished the design while Ellie had been staying at her place the past several months, after she had gotten back from Salt Lake. For a while, it had been comforting and exciting. Going to sleep every night with Cat beside her. Or not going to sleep with Cat beneath her. Ellie had needed that, needed something good to hold onto after Joel had ripped away so much. 

It would be an understatement to say that Cat hadn’t been pleased at first, that Ellie wouldn’t tell her exactly what had happened, but they had settled into an easy agreement that from then on, there would be honesty, pure truth between them. But the longer Ellie stayed, the harder that had become. Being there with Cat had put so much distance between her and Dina, and Ellie found herself longing for her friend more and more every day, and it was also clear that Dina wasn’t a subject that Cat was happy to have brought up. 

Eventually, it felt like it wasn’t tenable anymore. Cat noticed it too, and soon where once they spent their time together reading or drawing or fooling around, it got to a point where they only argued or didn’t talk at all. After one of their bigger fights, in one of Ellie’s less clear headed moments, she had just packed up her things and moved back to her own place. That was two days ago, and she hadn’t seen Cat since.

As Ellie lets her eyes trace along the lines of her tattoo, she realizes just how deeply everything she was allowing herself to think and feel was a betrayal of Cat. Cat who’s been so patient with her. Cat who kisses her goodnight and holds her until morning. 

Cat who loves her.

A small smile turns up the corner of Ellie’s lips as she thinks about the first time Cat had said it, but just as soon, it’s drowned out, and she hears again,

_“I’m going with you.”_

It wasn’t _“I love you”,_ but… wasn’t it though? Maybe it was Dina’s way of trying to say it. Maybe she was just scared too, like Ellie had been. Ellie had known for so long, way before Cat, that she had loved Dina. She’d just put those feelings away, locked them up tight when it seemed like nothing was changing, and tried to pour everything else she had into her and Cat. 

But if Dina was saying it now, was feeling it now… Didn’t Ellie owe it to herself to at least try?

It would be wrong not to-

“You should bring Cat.”

Ellie shakes her head out of her thoughts, confused,

“I’m sorry, what?”

Dina goes on, her tone nonchalant, 

“What is with you today? I said you should bring Cat to the movie night on Wednesday. I know you two usually hole up together instead of deigning to visit the rabble, but I think it could be fun. They’re playing some cheesy romance about werewolves or something called “Dawn of the Wolf”. Doesn’t that sound fucking amazing?”

Ellie swallows hard, and bites her lips, pulling Shimmer up beside Japan, trying to summon up all of her courage,

“Uh, yeah… that could be cool. Or you know… just…”

She tries to look Dina in the eyes, but has to look away,

“... just you and me could go?”

Some quick expression flashes across Dina’s face before it returns to her easy smile, and she quickly says,

“Oh, Jesse’s coming too. He got ahold of some great booze from Antony, so we can all get hammered before the movie. I figure that’ll help make it watchable.”

Ellie can feel her heart fall out of her chest as they trot along. She’s sure if she looked back, she’d find it still beating on the ground behind her.

“I was thinking the four of us could get dinner beforehand if you wanted? Maybe we could all start hanging out again.”, Dina’s turned away from her now, facing the trail again.

“Y-yeah… sounds good.”

Ellie can’t force out much more than that, her head swimming, and Dina doesn’t say anything else either. They ride back to Jackson in silence, and Ellie doesn’t think the walls can come into view soon enough. 

Where earlier she just wanted to be closer to Dina, now she feels like she has to get away from her. Not because she doesn’t want to be around her, but because she wants to so badly and it makes her feel so… so stupid.

Of course Dina hadn’t meant anything more than something friendly. She never had before. She never would. That’s all they were. 

When would Ellie finally understand that? How many times would she have to learn that fucking lesson?

Always at least once more, it felt like.

Jesse is waiting at the stables when they get back, and Ellie doesn’t stick around to watch Dina fall into his arms.

She just turns around and marches off to see Cat.

Cat loves her and she loves Cat.

That’s enough.

Cat lov-

_“I’m going with you.”_

Shut the _fuck_ up.

\----------

Their bodies nearly collide in the middle of the street, stopping less than a foot from each other, and Ellie feels Dina’s pull, radiating like a magnet in her chest, drawing her closer, urging her to take that final step.

In a series of breathless moments both endless and gone too quickly, she tries to take in everything in front of her. Everything she thought was long gone.

Dina being so close to her again. Right there. Close enough that the heat of their breath intermingles in the short space between them. Close enough that all Ellie would have to do is reach out and she could touch her, and she wants to more than anything, but she can’t make her hands move, can’t get her arms to unlock from her sides.

Ellie lets her eyes fall over every little feature, every soft curve of Dina’s face, the exposed length of her neck, trying to hold on to them, in that very second trying to memorize all the ways they’ve changed, in case the next steals Dina away from her again. 

Her thick, near-black hair is long, longer than Ellie has ever seen it before, longer than she’s pictured it in her dreams, the back tied into a loose braid coming over her shoulder, with a gathering of the heavy strands hanging over the left side of her face. It reminds her of the picture of Talia that Dina had always kept in her room. Ellie can’t help but imagine what it would feel like to anchor her hand there, behind Dina’s head, deep in her hair, to feel it woven between her fingers. 

She looks older now, but the years have done nothing to dim her beauty; the time has only allowed her to come into it more, and Ellie’s chest tightens as she wishes that she could have been there to see it, to watch her grow more arresting with each passing day. 

She looks tired, her eyes rimmed dark, like she hasn’t slept properly in days, but she also has that look that Ellie has seen so many times. Of determination. Of absolute resolve. The one that she wore that told the world that nothing was going to stop her once she made up her mind. 

The look she had when she had told Ellie that everyone should be terrified of her.

A few small scars Ellie doesn’t remember have found their way onto her. One on her forehead, another across the bridge of her nose, and Ellie wants to touch them, to run her lips and her fingertips across them and soothe any lingering hurt that remains, to find out their origin. Find out everything. 

Everything she had missed.

As her gaze finally locks onto the warm, dark brown eyes in front of her, finding them every bit as devastating as she remembers and at the same time so much more than she could ever imagine, Ellie realizes that in all of her memories and all of her dreams and all of her fantasies, she had never done Dina justice. 

She had never even come close.

The pull she feels now, the gravity, with Dina here, is the most overwhelming thing she’s ever experienced, and she doesn’t want to even try to steady herself, to catch her breath as it flows out her. She wants to give in. She wants to let every breath go, and let her heart pound like broken thunder in her chest. To let Dina hear it calling out to hers. 

In those moments that could be only seconds or minutes or hours, Ellie can’t tell what Dina is thinking. She doesn’t say anything, and her eyebrows are knit together, but not in anger or confusion… Ellie doesn’t know what. Whatever it is on Dina’s face, whatever it is she’s feeling, it’s with intensity. She’s feeling it fiercely, with her whole body. Her shoulders rise and fall with every breath, which are coming out just as ragged, just as heavy as Ellie’s, and her eyes are wet, but no tears are falling. Her fingers keep flexing, almost rolling into fists, and Ellie wouldn’t be surprised if Dina punched her. She’d deserve it. She’d deserve anything Dina threw at her.

Even prepared for that possibility, she still flinches when Dina’s hands shoot up and grab fistfuls of her jacket. Dina tugs hard on her and Ellie stumbles forward as Dina takes another small step towards her, and again, the breath leaves Ellie’s lungs as she feels Dina’s body press flush against hers, their faces so dangerously close.

Ellie’s hands hang uselessly at her sides while Dina’s maintain their grip on her jacket, and she searches Dina’s eyes, staring up into hers, Ellie trying to find any hint to what she should do, but only seeing that same unknowable intensity flaming back at her.

She wants to speak, to beg, to tell her almost six years worth of apologies, but the words won’t leave her tongue. They simply don’t find her at all.

As she looks at Dina and watches her dark eye’s move down to her lips, she wonders if Dina can’t find the words either. If maybe words will never be enough for what’s happened.

If maybe words aren’t what they need.

Ellie’s eyes involuntarily close for a brief moment and she inhales a shaky breath as Dina’s hands relax, let go of the fabric, and slowly smooth out on her chest, like she’s experimenting, making sure the body underneath the clothes is really there. The tips of Dina’s fingers push under the line of Ellie’s shirt and run along the bare skin of her clavicle, up over her shoulder, and come to rest at the back of her neck, linking into her hair, Dina’s fingernails gently finding purchase against her skin, causing a shiver to run the whole length of Ellie’s body, from Dina’s touch down to her toes and back. When she opens her eyes again, Dina’s own look heavy and dark and full of purpose, and she can already feel Dina’s hands urging her forward, drawing Ellie’s face closer.

Ellie can still feel her hands shaking, unsure, hovering at her sides, as Dina wets her lips, looking up at her under hooded lids, and Dina says to her, her breathless, whispered words both a command and a desperate plea, 

“Fucking _touch_ m-”

The moment is broken by a gunshot ringing out loud behind them, the bullet colliding with a building far off to their side. Though it had gone wide, it had certainly gotten their attention. Ellie feels foolish for a moment for letting her guard down while they were still in the middle of an active raid, even given the circumstances.

She pulls her revolver from her waist band in time with Dina spinning on spot and dropping to one knee, pulling her pistol from its holster, and in perfect unison they both take aim at the source of the shot, a hunter who had just rounded the corner of the same street that Dina must have come from.

Ellie is about to take the shot, but Dina is faster, and the man goes down with a hole in his chest. As he does, a group of at least five, maybe more, follow behind him and look down the street, finding Ellie and Dina standing there in the open.

Ellie had thought the raid had been reaching its tail end, but now she’s thinking that was probably mistaken. 

As the men open fire on them, Ellie finds the courage she couldn’t moments earlier, and grabs Dina’s hand, pulling her up and racing off down the street, guiding them both further into Dubois, ducking behind another corner, firing off shots behind them as they go.

And in the middle of a town on fire, with Dina’s fingers gripping tight against her own, the heat of their skin pressed together, for the first time in years, Ellie feels alive.

\---------- 

Even with the chill in the thin air and the snow coating the ground, the meeting room of the church was sweltering. Get enough people dancing in one place and the temperature is sure to rise.

She’d been sweating practically since she’d walked in the door. Her heart pounding, her head heavy from the drinks she’d had before coming.

It was always a challenge, forcing herself to come to the dance, year after year, but she still did it. 

She still had hope, for some reason.

She supposed that was probably what all the drinks were for.

They’d really started to make an event of these things, really doing up the room for the occasion. Strings of lights hung from the heavy bare wood rafters and against all of the walls, painting the big room in a soft golden hued glow, and someone must have fixed up a sound system, because instead of Gustavo and a few other people playing their instruments, they had a record going through speakers. 

It was music Ellie didn’t recognize as she nursed her drink, but the crowd seemed to be enjoying it. Twangy and loud. Energetic. She chuckled to herself watching everyone dance along happily to the song, noting how the lyrics about shooting some girl didn’t match the upbeat tone of the music. 

She doesn’t want to admit it to herself as she scans the crowd, but she’s looking for someone. She always is. 

Her pulse quickens a bit as her eyes finally find Dina, dancing with someone, and the smile that finds its way onto her face is just as involuntary.

Ellie’s so lost watching Dina dance, she hardly notices Jesse sidle up next to her, grabbing one of the fresh drinks, and taking a sip, saying to her conspiratorially,

“Think I should be jealous?”

She spares a glance up to him, “Of that?”, she tips her head towards Dina as she laughs at something her dance partner says, “I’d save it until she really gets going.”

Jesse chuckles, “You’re probably right… she does have a way though.”

Ellie can only nod, saying almost under her breath, “She does have a way…”

Jesse looks down at her, offering his glass, and Ellie clinks hers against it, and they both stand there sipping their whiskey, watching Dina put on a show.

“How long do you think it’ll last this time?” Jesse asks, a bit of resignation in his voice that Ellie can’t help but feel sympathy for.

She shrugs. She hates that somehow she’s ended up playing wingman for the guy who gets to be with the girl she’s in love with, but she loves Jesse too. She can’t help but be there for him. He’d do it for her.

“I’m sure you two will be back together in two weeks, tops.” She says dryly.

Jesse snorts and looks back down at her, “No, uh… we got back together this morning. I meant how long do you think until she breaks up with me again?”

Ellie’s eyes unfocus as she stares ahead, the air knocked from her lungs, and she hopes she’s playing it off better than she feels. 

She was so sure this time.

She was _so_ sure.

She tries to grin, to laugh, anything. She doesn’t think any of the playful tone she means to come out finds her voice,

“Your luck… probably a day or two. Maybe a week.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

“Me too.”

They both down the rest of what’s left in their glasses as the song comes to an end, and a slower one starts. Ellie picks up another full glass behind her just as Dina comes bounding over to them, and she tries to smile.

“Hey, you came!”, Dina says, her voice full of excitement, as her hand falls on Jesse’s arm, and Ellie stands there lamely, just watching them.

“I said I would,” he replies, with a small grin.

Dina starts to pull Jesse onto the dance floor, and her eyes briefly find Ellie’s, but Ellie can’t keep the gaze, and she looks away. 

When she finally looks back, Dina’s arms are around Jesse’s shoulders and his are around her waist, holding her tight against him, and Ellie feels like her whole body is screaming. 

She pounds the whole glass of whiskey and practically slams it back down on the table, turning to leave, and as she does, she almost runs into Cat, coming up to her side.

“Whoa,” Cat says, throwing her hands up in an exaggerated fashion, “what’s the rush?”

Ellie tries to move around her, “I was just… I’m just leaving.”

Cat smiles up at her, putting one hand around her waist. Ellie looks down at her, and notices it looks like Cat may actually be more drunk than she is.

“C’mon, green eyes,” Cat says, “You owe me at least one dance.”

Ellie would almost rather do anything else, but guilt over takes her, just like it does almost every time she sees Cat now, and so she lets her lead her over away from the main bulk of the crowd, and wraps her arms around Cat’s waist, but she doesn’t pull her close.

They sway side to side with the music, Cat looking up at her the whole time, Ellie feeling foreign in her arms. It’s just not the same any more. She’d ruined it. Lost all rights to it. 

“How’ve you been?”, Cat asks, stepping in closer, wrapping her arms around Ellie’s neck.

Ellie swallows roughly, trying not to look down at her, “Good… I’ve been good. What about… what about you?”

Cat smiles up at her, her same sweet smile and adoring eyes, “I’ve been awful.”

Cat shouldn’t be looking at her like this. She should be finding someone new. Someone who would love her back the way she deserved to be loved. She’d given Ellie so much and Ellie had just thrown it away for… for what?

“I’m uh… I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“No… no you’re not”, Cat says, still smiling, still looking up into Ellie’s eyes.

Ellie doesn’t know how to respond to that. She just looks away from her, trying not to feel her eyes on her like this.

As she looks around the room, her eyes fall on Dina and Jesse, and she’s surprised to find Dina looking at her, and Dina doesn’t look away as their eyes meet. For a few unbroken moments they just stand a room apart, in the arms of other people, but Ellie feels like that connection she’s always felt is there.

As she’s looking at Dina, Cat turns her head and looks in that direction too and sees her, and Dina quickly looks away. Ellie can feel Cat sigh heavily against her and pull back, and when she looks down at her, Cat isn’t smiling anymore.

“You know…”, Cat says, her voice rough, “it’s never going to happen. You and her.”

“Cat-”, Ellie starts.

“I don’t know if she’s straight, or if she just likes playing games, or what. But this-”, she gestures with her hand between Dina and Ellie, “isn’t happening.” 

Ellie drops her hands from Cat’s waist and looks away from her as Cat continues,

“What you see over there”, Cat points at Dina and Jesse, _“that’s_ what’s going to happen. Dina’s going to get married to some guy, and they’re going to have kids, or what the fuck ever, and you’re going to have nothing if you don’t give up this stupid, little crush.”

Ellie runs her tongue over her teeth and nods, “Cause you just know fucking everything, right?”

Cat’s tone softens a little and she tries to catch Ellie’s eye, “I fucking know this.” 

She tries to reach up and touch Ellie’s face, but Ellie bats her hand away,

“You don’t know a goddamn thing!”

She knows it was juvenile, and so is running away, but she still turns around and storms out the door anyways, barely able to hear Cat call after her as tears start to fill her eyes,

“Well there’s always next year, right?”

\----------

It’s strange, how even after years, that somethings don’t change.

On patrol, when things had gotten dangerous, Dina had always been a perfect partner for Ellie. They had always been in sync. Barely a word had needed to be spoken besides calling out threats as they came, and sometimes not even that. It was just pure, blind trust that they count could on each other. That they would always have each other's backs.

As Ellie and Dina weave between the street’s and alleys of Dubois, being chased by men who mistakenly believe they’re more dangerous than the two they follow, that old familiar lockstep falls back into place, and they move together, like two parts of a whole.

Heavy dark clouds have begun to gather in the night sky, blocking out the light of the moon, and if it weren’t for the glow of the fires, it’d be hard to see. As the rain starts to fall, slowly putting out the flames, the two only use that to their advantage, lying in wait, and silently ambushing the hunters, picking them off one by one in the dark. 

Not a word has been said between them since they started running, but Ellie can feel it, every time Dina looks over at her in a spare moment. 

What they started in the middle of that street isn’t done yet, and Ellie can’t tell if that excites her or terrifies her. All of this still doesn’t feel real. Like they’re running around in a dream. That Dina is here. That Dina told Ellie to touch her. Even with proof next to her, she still can’t fight back the feeling it’ll all disappear any second, or that Dina will get over the initial shock of seeing her and come back to her senses. 

Ellie had always wanted this, but Dina had never wanted her before, and Ellie didn’t live in a world where her dreams came to life, unless they were the kind bathed in blood.

When they stand next to each other, trying to catch their breath, certain they’ve dealt with the last of them, more voices sound out farther down the streets, and Ellie pulls them into the shadows of an alley, pushing Dina flush against the darkness of a wall. As she does, Dina grabs her waist and pulls her body into her, and Ellie’s palms slam into the brick on either side of Dina’s head to keep them from smashing together. All the same, their face’s end only inches apart, and Ellie only barely registers the group of people running past. She can’t even tell if they were citizens of Dubois or more hunters.

She’s lost entirely in the soft light mirroring off of Dina’s eyes in the dark. The sound of her breath as it leaves her lips. The way the rain trails down her face and makes her clothes stick to her skin, wet and tight, exposing the curves of her body.

As Ellie fights to take in air, breathing in heavily through her mouth and her nose, she’s struck by how Dina still smells the same as she always had, and the scent washes over her, overpowering her from this close.

Like vanilla and linen.

Like the rain falling around them now.

Like home, lost once but found again.

While Ellie is lost in the moment, Dina’s hips move in towards hers, and Ellie’s whole body shudders as Dina’s leg slips up between her own, pressing gently against her. Ellie’s eyes flicker closed for a moment and she lets out a soft whimper, and when she opens them again, Dina’s biting her lip, gazing up at her, her eyes never leaving Ellie’s.

She can feel Dina’s hands slide under the hem of her shirt, and move their way up along the sides of her body, leaving traces of electricity tingling on her skin in every spot they touch, and when they come to rest around the small of her back and pull her hips even further into Dina’s, Ellie can’t help but let out a shaky breath, and Dina does the same.

Ellie’s hands slowly come away from the wall, moving on their own even as she tries to will them not to, still so sure the moment will fracture at any second, and like she’s touching something immaterial, something fragile, something that might break under her hand, she runs the back of her fingertips along Dina’s cheek, and she can feel her pulse in every part of her body as Dina lets out a low, broken sigh and leans her face into Ellie’s touch.

Her heart feels like it’s about to beat out of her chest as she lets her fingers trace along Dina’s jaw and then wrap around the back of her neck, tangling into her damp hair, and as Dina’s eyes slowly close, Ellie gives into it. 

She lets her eyes close too, and as Dina arcs her whole body up to meet Ellie’s, their lips almost brush together when more voices echo off in the street, and together they both let out frustrated breaths.

Ellie looks around, and realizes where they are. She considers it for a moment, grabs Dina’s hand, and runs around the corner on the opposite side of the alleyway, heading up the concrete staircase she knew she’d find waiting on the other side.

She guides the two of them over the long balcony, past most of the identical doors and windows, coming to the end, where she had never seen anyone coming in and out of before, and she gives Dina a quick look before kneeling down in front of the door.

Dina doesn’t have to ask what she means and pulls out her handgun, keeping watch over the side, as Ellie flips open her switchblade and works the lock. It takes a couple tries, but eventually she hears a click, and they rush inside, Ellie quietly shutting the door behind them.

Ellie spares a look around the room as Dina walks in past her, checking the small bathroom on the far end. It looks just like Jenny’s. Shouldn’t be surprised, she guesses. It’s the same old motel. As Dina drops her pack and her wet jacket off of her shoulders onto the floor, Ellie takes a look through the curtain out of the large single window to check that they haven’t been followed, and turns the lock on the door.

She turns back to Dina, “Okay, we-”

But whatever Ellie was going to say is lost as she’s pinned hard against the door at her back, and Dina’s lips are on hers, soft and hot and hungry, and Ellie feels every nerve inside of her come alive, setting her body ablaze, but even then, with Dina holding her and kissing her and breathing her in, Ellie’s mind can’t stop fighting against the burn.

\----------

The door to the garage thrusts open as Ellie barges in, and she slams it behind herself, shaking the whole wall.

She had held it in the whole way back from the church, but as she wildly paces the short length of the room, she can’t take it any longer and she screams. 

She screams at Cat. 

She screams at Jesse. 

She screams at Dina.

Mostly, she screams at herself.

She doesn’t want to cry, not again. Not tonight. Not over Dina. She can’t spend another night crying over Dina again. 

But her body doesn’t listen, it never does, and the tears gather and sting her eyes and fall down her cheeks as she tries to fight them back and that only makes them fall harder, fall faster.

What a fucking idiot. What a fucking idiot she is.

It’s never going to change. It’s never going to be different. They were never going to be more than what they were now. 

Just a beautiful girl and the disaster following her around, too wide eyed and in love to see how fucking hopeless she was.

Fucking Cat was right. She’d always been right and Ellie was just too stupid, too blind to see it.

Dina was always just going to be her friend, and someday she’d find a guy. Maybe it’d be Jesse. Maybe someone else, but it’d be someone. And he’d love her and she’d love him and she’d hold him and fuck him and they’d spend their days and nights together and start a family and be happy, and Ellie would be here, in this stupid fucking garage, crying over her. Crying over something that was never going to happen. Never had a chance of happening.

Ellie runs up onto her bed and stares at the photo of her and Jesse and Dina and the drawing she’d done of Dina beneath it and she wants to rip them apart. Take out every journal she’s sketched Dina’s face in and tear it to shreds. Take it outside and light it on fire. Watch them turn to ash and float away into the smoke and hope her feelings float away with them. Hope she doesn’t need them anymore.

But she’s fucking weak. So fucking weak she can’t even reach for the corkboard in front of her to take them down, and she falls to her knees on the mattress, and closes her eyes.

She just wants to feel something. To feel anything other than this. Even if just for a few minutes. A few moments.

Her fingers find the button of her jeans, and she slips her hand down them, and tries to think of anything, anyone other than Dina. 

The first time her and Cat had taken off each other's clothes and Ellie had felt skin on her skin like that. 

The time at the lake in the dark when Cat had called out her name so loud Ellie had worried about alerting half the town.

The only time Cat had made her come, her head between her legs, while Ellie had pictured…

And of course, in almost no time, Ellie is thinking of Dina again, and even though she tries to push the thoughts away, they won’t budge from her mind.

Dina lying in her arms, pressed tight against her on so many nights in this bed.

Dina smiling at her in nothing but her underwear as she slips under the water at the lake.

Dina dancing tonight with Jesse.

Holding him against her.

Their lips together. Their bodies together. They’re probably leaving the church now…

She can just imagine Dina laughing. With him. At her.

_“Ellie… you can’t be serious, right? You’re a girl.”_

More tears fall down her cheeks as Ellie pictures this smiling Dina saying the words she’s never said, but she knows she would.

_“I-_

\----------

"-found you.”

Dina says between desperate kisses across Ellie’s lips and her jaw and her neck, wherever Dina can put them, her voice low and happy, tears raining from her eyes, wetting Ellie’s face whenever their skin meets.

“I finally found you.”

And something in her voice flips a switch inside Ellie that had been fighting back this whole time. She doesn’t know what she’s been waiting for. For Dina to say she loved her? That she always had and she was just waiting for Ellie to make a move? Maybe that just wasn’t Dina’s way. Maybe it didn’t need to be.

But the way those words leave her lips, Ellie knows. 

And she doesn’t hold back anymore.

Her hands find either side of Dina’s face and she pulls back so that she can see her eyes, Dina’s pupils blown wide, making them look almost black here in the darkness, and Ellie pulls her back in. All of the feeling she resisted before falls into her lips when she presses them back against Dina’s, and as their tongues meet, Dina lets out a low moan and the world melts away.

Dina’s hands find their way under Ellie’s shirt and she pulls up at the edge, Ellie raising her arms until its off of her, only breaking her lips away from Dina’s long enough to let the fabric pass by, bringing her mouth down to Dina’s neck when the shirt is gone and scraping her teeth across her skin as she presses kisses along the length of it, smiling as Dina’s breath catches.

They trail clothes along the floor as Ellie walks Dina backwards to the bed, and when they get there, Dina hooks her fingers into the waistband of Ellie’s underwear, and turns their positions around, pushing Ellie down onto the bed, climbing on top of her almost as soon as she does so.

Ellie can feel the heat of Dina’s body radiating down onto her as Dina anchors her legs down on either side of Ellie’s body, and rolls her hips slowly into Ellie’s, pressing her down into the mattress, and Ellie pulls her down to kiss her, to let Dina swallow the whimpering sounds it’s causing her to make.

Their bare skin sticks together, still damp from their rain soaked clothes, and Ellie feels like she’s coming apart with every breath, and Dina’s pulling her back together with every kiss and bite and scratch.

Dina pulls her mouth away, and Ellie immediately feels its absence, never wanting to stop feeling it’s soft touch against her, but something new and immediate is in her eyes, and it makes Ellie dig her fingernails into Dina’s hips, earning her a shuttered breath, before Dina whispers to her,

“I would have waited another five years for this if I had to.”

Ellie leans up and brushes her lips against Dina’s, their noses bumping against each other in the dark, and she whispers back,

“I’d have waited my whole life for you.”

She can barely see it in the shadows of the room, but she can feel Dina smirking against her lips,

“It’s not a competition, stupid.”

Ellie grins back, “People only say that when they’re losing.”

Dina huffs and presses a long kiss to her mouth, her nails raking down Ellie’s sides, sliding underneath the elastic of her underwear as Dina moves her whole body down Ellie’s, looking back up at her as she slowly pulls the last bit of fabric off of Ellie, and settles between her legs,

“Well… let’s not wait any longer”, she whispers before she starts to make Ellie come undone.

In those moments, with her hands buried in Dina’s thick hair, every muscle tightening, Ellie feels Dina in every piece of her, taking over her senses, from the tips of her fingers all the way down into the center of her body, all the way out again to the tips of her toes. 

She feels like she’s tumbling, falling off of an endless cliff, but Dina is there holding onto her, one hand pressed down against her hips and another finding it’s fingers entangled with her own. 

Dina holds her tight as she struggles to breathe and speak and scream all at the same time, and her mind can only hold one thought, one image, as her broken voice gasps out Dina’s name into the empty dark, filling up the space with the sound.

And in an instant, all of that distance and every single one of those lost moments, years of time and space and hurt and loss, falls away to nothing. Zeroed out on the watch, and burned to ash in the furnace of her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a chapter that didn't fight me.
> 
> I FOUGHT IT THIS TIME.
> 
> It just took a little while longer than usual because I wanted to get it right, and I hope I did.
> 
> Props to both Breezered and Ehefic for their help with this chapter. I looked to both of their works for inspiration in it, and there's a pretty heavy handed nod to Jackson Days close to the end. Couldn't help it. Love that fic.
> 
> Instead of the usual song of "Lost" by Luz, the song I listened to while writing this was "Slip Away" by Perfume Genius. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. It is the tone I wanted for the present day parts of the chapter, so... go with that.


	10. The Sky Got Red and Swollen

Even taking into account the snow coating the streets, they have to make the walk slower than they used to. His leg just doesn’t let him get around as quickly anymore, and Dina is practically waddling, so deep in her pregnancy it seems like any day might be it. She still insists on going there every week instead of letting everyone else come to her though. He knows she hates being treated like she isn’t capable of things, can’t take care of herself, and he’s learned after enough verbal beatdowns not to wear the kid gloves with her.

He’s hoping she won’t take this surprise like that. Like he was trying to take charge of her life or something. He’s just excited that the request has finally come through.

As they slowly walk next to each other, close but not touching, more than once he considers reaching for her hand. Just silently taking it in his, and letting them continue on. Every once in a while he wonders if something was coming back to life between the two of them, but she just always seems so sad these days, so distant, and he doesn’t want to push, so he just lets their hands sway side by side, out of time with each other. 

When they reach the intersection where she starts to turn right down the corner to his house for their weekly meal with his parents, he keeps heading straight, and turns his head to flash a quick grin at her.

She doesn’t look nearly as amused, “Jesse, I’m _so_ hungry.”

“C’mon, this’ll only take a minute.” He waves her on and keeps walking, confident she’ll follow him.

Begrudgingly, he imagines, she does, and he leads her a few houses farther down the street before stopping in front of a fairly large two story one, its brick red paint chipping a fair amount, like it was on all the houses in Jackson.

“Who lives here?” She asks, coming up beside him.

Jesse gives her a big exaggerated shrug, heads up the cracked sidewalk leading up to the porch, and stands in front of the door, waiting for her. She rolls her eyes and walks up to him, and waits as well.

And waits.

She gives him a frustrated look, and then knocks on the door herself, and steps back.

And they wait some more.

“Looks like they’re not home.” Dina says.

“I think she is.” Jesse grins at her again, pulling a set of two keys from his pocket and holding them out for her.

Dina’s face goes through a mix of confusion and recognition and apprehension, but she still takes the keys, and turns them in the lock, letting the door open slightly against the pressure. She looks back up at him and he gives her a nod before she walks inside, and he follows her in.

Jesse watches her as she makes her way through the rooms, running her hand over the furnishings that are already there, not saying a word. He knows they aren’t really her style, but that was just the way things were in Jackson. You started with what you could get, and built from there. He knows she’ll make it her own if she gives it a chance. He hopes she will.

She stops at the entry to the living room, glancing in and then moves on, taking a long look up the stairs, before looking back at him, her face unsure.

“I… I hadn’t even really thought about this.” She finally says, her voice quiet.

Jesse leans against the wall, “Thought you’d just stay bunked up with Hannah? She never struck me as too baby friendly.”

Dina just shrugs, her hand on the railing, her finger scratching the wood, “Just… hadn’t really thought about it.”

He nods like he understands, but he really doesn’t. What they were going to do when the baby came was practically all he’s been able to think about. It took up his waking hours and most of the time he should be sleeping.

Dina looks up the stairs again, her eyebrows scrunched together, and it seems like she’s trying to figure out a solution to a problem she wasn’t expecting to have to answer, 

“Maria only… she only assigns out the houses around here to families...”

Jesse swallows, and looks at her, trying to give her a reassuring smile, 

“Well, we’re about to be a family.”

She turns her head back, but doesn’t meet his eyes, “Jesse…”

He tries to ignore the sting that hits him hard in his chest, and he backpedals fast. Why does he even try?

“Oh, no. That’s not what I meant-”

“-I’m just not-”

“Dina, really, that’s not… I just mean, with the baby, you’ve gotta have a place. Me and my parents are just around the corner, this seemed pretty perfect to me.”

She gives him another confused look, “You weren’t planning on moving in too?”

“No…”, he taps his foot on the floor, “I mean, I’d love to be in the same place as our kid, but… I didn’t want to assume or anything. I mean, even if I did, I know we’re not… you know.”

“Yeah…”

They stand together in silence, Jesse scratching the back of his head. He feels like this was probably the wrong way to go about this. He should have just told her about it. Let her come on her own, in her own time. 

He just… wanted to be a part of it, too.

“How many bedrooms are there?” Dina asks, her voice cutting the silence.

Jesse looks up the stairs, “Uh… three, I think.”

Dina turns away from him and starts slowly heading up, one stair at a time, and says behind her,

“So, one for each of us?”

And it’s not a declaration of love. It’s not saying she wants anything to happen or that anything ever will again, and probably nothing ever will. 

But it still makes Jesse smile, and he hurries up the stairs with her.

\----------

The whole house is quiet and still, and it should seem soothing, but Jesse doesn’t feel peaceful. The silence instead seems all encompassing, suffocating, like it’s at odds with everything going on in the walls, and it’s trying to keep it all artificially contained. 

It doesn’t matter how long he tries to close his eyes, how much he tries to calm his mind, sleep seems like some imaginary concept. Something he’s only heard about from other people. It’s certainly not going to be something he experiences tonight.

He doesn’t know if Dina is still awake or not, but the sound of pacing footsteps on the creaking floorboards above him had calmed hours ago, and he hasn’t heard any other noises upstairs since. She could be fast asleep, secure in finally having her goal in sight, or she could just be lying in bed, biding her time until morning. He was really just surprised she had agreed to wait until then at all.

It’s started to get cold enough outside through the night that the hum of the crickets had ceased weeks ago, and it’s still either so late, or maybe so early, that the bird’s hadn’t started picking up their calls yet either. Most morning he wants to throw a boot at them, but he’d welcome their incessant chirping right now, something to break the silence, anything to distract him, but there continues to be nothing.

Nothing really but the sound of leaves rustling in the soft breeze, more and more of them on the ground now than on the branches of their trees. Soon the short autumn would be over, the snow would start falling again.

Elijah would be turning five in a couple of months, before the blink of an eye. He was growing up so fast. 

God, what were they going to tell him? Is he even old enough yet to understand? Will he ever really understand at all, or will he always resent them for it?

Will Jesse always resent Dina for it?

As he lays on the couch, rubbing at his tired eyes, the chill from the outside heavy in the living room, the answers don’t find him. He didn’t really expect them to. He felt like he’d been asking them to the empty room all night. Maybe he’s been asking for years, every single day that he’s tried to carry on this sham of a marriage.

The windows are cracked open, letting in the cold air, dropping the temperature low enough that only he would enjoy it. He can’t remember the last time he’d had the windows open this late in the year. He usually kept them shut for Dina. 

He’s always liked it colder than she does, always chalked it up to being raised so much farther north than she was. Whenever he teased her about it she always tried to say it got cold at night in the desert too, but that didn’t seem to make her any more in tune with the weather here in Jackson, despite living here almost as long as he has.

She seemed so unsettled here. He tries to remember if it’s always been that way or only since Ellie’s been gone. It’s hard now to even remember what she was like before then. Dina’s been like a completely different person ever since, at least towards him.

How could he have ever thought this would work? The two of them? If it weren’t for Elijah, he’s certain that Dina would have just left Jackson years ago. She’d have just gone off to chase down any lead she could find, just like she was about to go do. 

No matter how many times over the years the two of them kept saying they were going to really try, no matter how many times Jesse kept fooling himself into thinking this would time would be different, deep down he knew it every time he looked at her: Dina was hopelessly in love with Ellie, and she was never going to give that up. She couldn’t. Not for anything. 

And he just can’t do this anymore. 

Flipping on the lamp beside the couch and squinting as his eyes adjust to the sudden light, he lifts his hand to his face, and is surprised to see his watch saying it’s almost five in the morning, and he switches off the alarm he had set before it has the chance to go off. Maybe he has slept and just didn’t realize it. He prefers that thought to the idea that he’d been laying there awake for the entire night. 

Getting up, he stretches his sore leg, and walks into the dining room, letting his hand rest on Dina’s packed bag on the table, letting out a heavy sigh. He considered dumping it out, hiding everything inside, but she’d just leave without it. She wouldn’t let being underprepared stop her at this point.

He hadn’t been lying to her. It was too dangerous to head out during the night. A trail she had never rode before, into territory she had never gone. All the same was true for him, and were the same reasons he hadn’t left earlier in the night either. 

He didn’t want Elijah to lose either one of his parents on a gamble too risky to pay off.

As he packs up his own bag, he still doesn’t understand why he feels like he needs to go at all. Or if he’s going to, why he can’t wait for her and they can ride together. It’d certainly be safer. 

It feels like some jealous part of himself that he doesn’t want to acknowledge wants to be there first. To find her first. To ask her if running away had been worth it. If saving _him_ had been worth it. 

He doubts he’ll have the courage to do either if he does find her. Ellie had been his best friend. He’ll probably just be too happy to see her at that point to care.

Jesse looks up the stairs, and wants to go up them. Go say goodbye to his son before he leaves. Even on a trader worn road, this could be dangerous, and it’s been a long, long time since he’s gone out. He’s been jockeying the wall for years. But he can’t risk the noise, can’t risk waking Dina up. 

So he just checks the magazine of his handgun and loads it, and as quietly as he can, he walks out the front door.

\----------

There wasn’t a bullet to dig out, Dr. Gleason told him, but it wasn’t all good news. 

The best she could tell, without a working x-ray machine, it had nicked low on his femur, close to the knee, and tore a sizable hole in the muscle, especially on the backside where the bullet had come out. He was lucky it hadn’t shattered the whole bone, she had said. Another inch to the left and it might have. 

The tourniquet he'd fashioned had stopped the worst of the bleeding, but if they hadn’t gotten back when they did it might have done more harm than good. At this point, only time would tell how well the rest would heal, too early to know what the lasting effects could be.

It might be a wound he’ll carry with him the rest of his life.

He sits out on a bench in the hall, outside of the room Joel is in, his set leg placed out straight in front of him, his head resting on the wall behind him, drifting in and out of painkiller assisted sleep. He had turned down the heaviest stuff. His leg felt like it was on fire, but supplies were constantly running low, especially in the winter. He didn’t want to be a burden. He could handle it.

Dr. Gleason had still practically forced him to take something, and it had made his head swim for a few hours, but he was coming out of it, back to himself as the morning shift workers started to come in and take over for the harried overnight team. 

It had been a long night for everyone.

He’s stretching his arms above his head as the door to Joel’s room opens, and Dina quietly steps out, carefully shutting it behind her with just the faintest click.

She looks as tired as he feels, and she gives him a small smile that turns into a yawn, causing him to yawn too as she comes and sits down beside him, resting her head against the wall as well.

“You sleep at all?” She asks, turning her head slightly on the wall to face him.

Jesse blinks a few times, “A little, I think. You?”

“A little”, she says, bringing her hand to her mouth to stifle another yawn, “Ellie finally fell asleep. I was thinking I’d go grab her some different clothes, hers are…”

Dina’s words trail off into nothing, and Jesse nods, “Yeah… seems like a good idea.”

“How’s your leg?”, she asks, her voice tender, and he smiles a bit, glancing at her for just a second.

“I’ll live.”

He feels her hand on his shoulder for a moment, and a soft squeeze, before the touch is gone. They both sigh, Jesse staring at the closed door, 

“Has he woken up yet?”

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Dina shaking her head, 

“No… he, um… I don’t know. I don’t really know how he’s doing. Ellie didn’t really say anything, and I didn’t want to ask until she was ready.”

Jesse can feel her eyes on him, can feel that she wants him to tell her, but he doesn’t want her to ask. He doesn’t want to relive it. 

He knows she will anyways.

“Jesse… what happened out there?”

He takes in a long breath, and lets it out out slowly, 

“I really… I don’t know, Dina. Some hunters, or at least I think they were. They were… they were so young. Our age, maybe a little older? When Joel and Tommy didn’t show at the lookout, we went to find them… heard gunshots and infected, and we followed them to the Baldwin mansion, you know way out north?”

She nods, and he continues, still staring ahead, “We snuck in, and they were just… they were torturing Joel, and Ellie… Dina, Ellie went crazy. I’ve never seen anything like it. The way she-”

“She was trying to protect Joel, he’s like her dad”, Dina cuts in, her voice sharp, “What would you do if it were your dad?”

“I dunno”, Jesse says honestly, shaking his head, “It was messed up, what was happening in there. I just… I’ve never seen her like that. I mean, one of the women was-”

He’s stopped by the sound of a woman loudly clearing her throat nearby, and they both turn to find Maria standing not far from them.

“Morning, you two,” she says, and she looks just as tired as the pair of them. Jesse imagines she hasn’t gotten much sleep either. An attack on someone from Jackson was like an attack on Jackson itself, as far as Maria was concerned, and Joel was her brother-in-law. She must be taking it hard.

Her eyes flick between him and Dina, “Dina, you mind if…”

Dina gets up almost immediately, “I was just leaving.”

“Thank you.”

Dina looks back down at him, reaches down and squeezes his shoulder again,

“Thanks for being there, and thanks for coming and getting me. You should have come straight here, you idiot.”

He forces a smile, “Well… my friends problems are my problems.”

“Yeah… I know they are.” 

Jesse watches her as she smiles slightly and walks away, her and Maria nodding at each other as they pass, and Maria comes and takes Dina’s place next to him. She rests her elbows on her knees, and lets out a long breath, her eyes fixed on the door in front of her.

“How’s the leg?” She asks, after a few moments.

He laughs to himself, feeling like he just had this conversation, and realizes he’s probably going to have it a lot in the near future.

“It’ll be fine. What’s going on?” He doesn’t mean to be blunt, he just wants to know what he can do, how he can help. Just sitting around and waiting isn’t suiting him.

“Well… I don’t want to ask, since you should be taking some time to see to yourself, but... I need you to do something.”

He leans forward as best he can with his leg and looks at her, 

“Anything.”

She takes her eyes off of Joel’s room and turns his way, 

“We’ve patched up that guy y’all brought back, and we’ve got him holed up in the old sheriff’s lock up, but we need to start questioning him. Find out if there’s anything else we need to be worried about. Tommy’s hot to do it himself, but… I don’t know. He’s too close to this. With what they did to him and Joel... I need a level head, and you were there.”

Jesse bites the inside of his cheek, nodding along,

“Yeah… yeah. I can do that.”

Maria nods back, her voice curt, “Good. We’re gonna let him sit for a few more hours, and we’ve got plenty of guards on him, so you rest up… and just, be ready.”

“I’m ready n-”

She places a hand on his shoulder, her face firm, “Rest up, you look like shit. Greg will come get you in a few hours.”

Jesse sighs and leans back against the wall as Maria stands, and starts to walk out, not waiting for a response from him.

“And eat something too. All you kids are too skinny.”

\----------

He had seriously underestimated how hard the ride to Dubois was going to be for him.

It’s been a lot of years since he’s done any serious riding, since he’s been out patrolling, hell, since he’s even spent a night outside of Jackson, and those years were catching up to him. By mid-afternoon on the second day, he’s wondering if he can make it at all, and he’s certain that at some point Dina will overtake him. 

He knows she must be following him, and can’t be far behind. He’d left not much earlier than he imagined she would, and even though he’d tried to tell the others on watch to delay her if they could, it’d take the whole damn town to try to stop her. The thought made him push faster than he means to, sleep less than he should.

He still doesn’t even know why he needs so badly to get there before Dina. It feels so irrational, but he has to. Has to have a chance to face Ellie, just the two of them. Maybe it’s just because he’s angry at Dina after all this time of her holding on to someone who wasn’t there when he was. Maybe he just wants to be petty and always know he got to her first. Maybe he wants to prove she’s not really there, and never had been. That she was long gone, and Dina would never find her. Maybe he just wants to see her too. 

Whatever the feeling is, it drives him forward.

By the time he makes it past the trees, and Dubois comes into sight, the sun is low in the cloudy sky, and his whole body, his leg especially, aches and groans, and he’s about ready to never ride a horse again. 

He’s surprised to see there are no walls, no guards set up at the edge of town. It’s hard to believe the place is still standing, but Dubois has been a trading partner with Jackson for running on eight years now. They must be doing something right. Maybe they pay protection to one of the local groups. Maybe they’ve just gotten lucky.

He rides Denver around to the stables that come up on his right just as he enters town, and slowly dismounts, hopping down on his good leg, shaking out his bad one before putting any weight on it. As he approaches, a gruff looking man walks over to him with a logbook,

“Needin’ to tie up?”

“Yeah,” Jesse replies, patting Denver’s side, “feed and checking on his shoes too, if you can.”

The man tilts his head down like he can inspect that from there, “You got any way to pay for it?”

Jesse rubs the stubble growing on his chin, “You guys take Jackson credits here?”

The man sighs, looking annoyed, “Two-to-one.”

“Shit, really?”

“Could make it three-to-one if you’d like.” 

Jesse tongues the inside of his cheek, and reaches into his backpack, “So how much then?”

The man inspects him like he had just been looking at Denver, “Five credits.”

“Alright…”, Jesse says, blowing out some air. High price.

“Oh right, in _Jackson_ credits, ten.” The man says, starting to write something in his book.

“Ten? That’s like half a week's work”, Jesse grabs Denver’s rein, and starts to back away, “There another stable?”

“Imagine there’s one in Jackson.” the man says with a little grin, still writing. 

Jesse lets out a long frustrated sigh, walks back, and pulls the credits from his pack, handing them over. The man whistles and a young boy comes out of the stables, taking Denver’s reins, and leads him back inside.

Jesse looks into the town, and is about to just head in aimlessly, when he thinks better of it, and turns back to the man.

“Hey, does this town have a patrol or anything?”

A few minutes later, Jesse is walking his way through the streets of Dubois, and is a little shocked to find how much everything there looked like Jackson. It was almost like they were twins. The same kind of buildings, same kind of names on them. He figured it must have just been the style around here in the old-world. It was strange to be in a settlement that was so similar but at the same time different. He couldn’t help but wonder what it was like for Ellie. Had they chosen it because it was so much the same? Why had they picked here?

Eventually he finds the small building the stablehand had told him to go to, with the sign out front reading _“Dubois Chamber of Commerce”._ When he gets there, it looks like there’s a change in patrol shifts starting, men and women out front swapping rifles, readying horses in a stable that doesn’t look like it was part of the original structure.

He makes his way up to a middle aged woman who looks like she’s been doing this for a long time as she checks the bolt on her rifle, 

“Scuse me, miss?”

The woman doesn’t look away from her gun for a moment,

“Uh-huh?”

Jesse looks around at the group of people, some taking notice of him. He imagined Dubois didn’t get a ton of outsiders, and the patrollers were probably more wary than anyone else of the ones who did come in. 

“I was just wondering if you, or uh… any of you, could help point me in the direction of someone I think lives around here?”

The woman looks at him, hitching her rifle up on her hip, 

“Who would that be?”

Jesse takes a small step closer and lowers his voice a little, though he isn’t sure why.

“I’m looking for a red-headed girl, around my age. This tall”, he gauges Ellie’s height on himself with his hand, “She might have come to town any time in the last… four, five years? She probably came with an older man, who was pretty beat up-”

“You’re talking about Tess and Curtis?”

“Uh-”

The woman laughs loud, and calls back to someone in the group, 

“Hey Jake, this guy’s looking for your girlfriend’s girlfriend!”

Jesse looks past the woman into the group, where he finds a surly looking young blond man, probably several years his junior, surrounded by other patrol members laughing at him. His nose looks freshly broken, and the dark circles under his eyes look like they’re only going to get worse tomorrow. The guy shoots back,

“Hey, fuck you Charlotte!”

Charlotte just keeps laughing, and turns back to Jesse, who’s ticking off the boxes in his head. 

Guy who looks like he just got his ass kicked.

Girlfriend has a girlfriend.

It’s sounding like Ellie to him.

“Guy found out a while back his fiance had been with Tess before him and cut things off because he’s a fucking idiot. Guess Tess must have found out about that too”, Charlotte says to him, a wide smile still on her face.

Jesse can’t help but smile a little too, “Does she live here in town?”

Charlotte shakes her head, “Nah, her and old man live somewhere out south, I don’t know exactly where. Just take the Jakey Fork Trail out of town, and you’ll probably run into it eventually.”

“Thank you,” Jesse says, walking backwards, taking another moment to look at what he imagined was Ellie’s handiwork on the face of the blond man,

“Thank you.”

\----------

The roar of the single shot echoes off the walls of the concrete room, and Jesse barely has a moment to flinch before the sound takes him.

He covers both his ears, shaking his head like that’ll do anything now, trying to shut out the ringing, but it pulses on, loud and violent in his mind.

For the second time in as many days, he has someone else’s blood on him, speckling his clothes and his skin, and he wipes at his face frantically to try to get it off, but he can feel that it’s only smearing, covering him in warm streaks instead of drops.

Dumbly, out of instinct, Jesse stumbles forward, and grabs the man by the jacket, pulling him up and pressing his fingers to his neck, checking for a pulse he knows he won’t find. His trembling hand is the only hint of movement he can feel, the skin beneath his fingers already still.

Jesse let's go and the man slumps back in the chair motionless, limp and ragged, his head rolling backwards, a fresh hole in the middle of it, a thin line of grey smoke trailing out towards the ceiling. One final lifeless breath escapes his lips as his body settles, and Jesse knows it’s the last sound he’ll ever make.

They had needed so much more from him.

He turns slowly, the image caught behind his eyelids every time he blinks, and he looks around the room. Every face he sees in the small room is washed over in the same shock he imagines is on his own, mouths hanging open silently, every eye wide with surprise.

Everyone but one.

His eyes fall on the figure in front of him, still standing with their arm extended, the pistol still aimed at the dead man, and the face is hard, the eyes cold.

With his throat dry, and his tongue heavy in his mouth, Jesse can barely force the words out past his teeth, his whole body shaking, 

“Tommy… what the fuck did you do?”

\----------

His fingers grip around the wire mesh of the gate, and after standing there with it between him and the cabin for what feels like hours, he opens it.

The sun had gone down completely before he had even made it out of town, and as he rode out the southern way, he noticed another stable, their prices marked at a single credit per day. He tried not to feel like he had been too played.

Before he had left, he had asked a few more of the locals about “Tess” and “Curtis”, to try to prepare himself. He realized he didn’t really know what to expect after all these years. Ellie had been stuck in his mind, 19 years old, the same girl he used to know. From what he could gather, she wasn’t much of a fixture in Dubois. Only came into town to trade or to drink. He heard about that same girl Charlotte had mentioned from more than one person, but it didn’t sound to him like anything serious had ever gone on. It sounded like she had been pretty much alone the whole time she’d been here, and it made his heart twist to imagine that. 

“Curtis”... he was a different story. No one had a bad word to say about him. Everyone he talked to said he made it into town maybe once a month, more than Ellie did at least. He made trades, talked people up, was always friendly, was always helpful, despite his handicap. Everyone liked him. 

None of these people knew him though. Not really. Jesse had never really known him either. If they knew what he knew, they’d be singing a different tune.

As he rode out, he could hear noise picking up on the northern side of town, and saw a soft torch like glow start to light up the night sky, could hear gunshots start to fire off. There were only a few, it seemed like maybe a celebration. It was easy to ignore, with his goal so close. 

Even in the encroaching dark, the cabin had been easy enough to find. A well tread path with fresh hoof prints going onto a thin overgrown trail off of the main one roughly half a mile outside of town. A short distance through some thick woods and there it was, nestled in a clearing, with a wood and wire fence encircling maybe half an acre of space around it. 

Jesse walks the path slowly, Denver’s reins in his hand, taking in the area. There’s a small chicken coop at one end, attached to a single stable, the pen empty. They must be gone. On the other there’s a few raised vegetable gardens, and some of the field is tilled, but almost all of the crop looks middling at best. A smile tugs at the corners of his lips seeing that. Ellie never did like farming. 

He ties Denver’s reins up to the porch, takes a deep breath, and walks up the steps to the door, opening the screen, and his hand hovering over the knob, before taking it and opening it too. He never even considers knocking.

The inside is dim, a single gas lantern burning in what appears to be the living room, resting on an end table next to a comfy, weathered couch. There’s a faint smell of what he recognizes as coffee filling the small space, and books litter many of the surfaces, stacked high. He picks up one of them on the edge of kitchen counter next to the door, reading the title, _“Are the Planets Inhabited?”,_ and memories flood his mind of sitting in that old garage, him, Ellie and Dina, flipping through her comics as they shared a joint or a bottle or nothing at all, and Ellie telling them about whatever book she was reading. 

He remembers one hot, stuffy, summer day, the door to the garage open, all of them sweating, and Ellie talking about this one. About how unlikely it was that in all the planets there were in the universe that-

The peace of the memory is broken by the sound of a door on the other side of the room opening,

“Hey, kiddo, you get…”, Joel’s words trail off as he looks up and finds Jesse standing there.

He was smiling when he came out, but now he looks stunned, or as much as his face will allow. It seems like the left side is numb, limp, not responding the same as the rest. He looks so much thinner now, his clothes hanging loose on his frame. So much smaller than Jesse remembers, and it feels fitting. 

Jesse thinks his body is frozen, it feels like he can’t force it into action, but his hand moves on it’s own, finding the grip of his handgun, and it pulls it from his jeans, keeping it at his side.

The two stare at each other for a long time, Joel’s face moving from anger to what seems like grim acceptance, his tongue wetting his lips, and he nods somberly, 

“Hey Jesse… been awhile.”

“Hey Joel…”, Jesse lets out a shaky breath, trying to calm his nerves as his hands shake,

“... not long enough.”

\----------

Standing a few steps behind her on the path leading up to the house, as she looks up at it, studying it, he watches her figure facing away from him, and Jesse doesn’t know what to feel, what to think. It seems like she’s trying to take it all in, to understand it, to put together the pieces in her mind but she can’t make them fit.

It seems so simple to him.

Eventually, when it becomes clear she isn’t making any effort to do so, he walks past her and heads up the steps of the porch, opening the door and holding it, waiting for her to follow. After a few moments, she does, her pace slow, and she doesn’t look at him as she walks by.

She drifts into the dining room and looks around, like she’s gauging the space, just silent as he stands in the doorway. Her fingers trail along the table top, and he watches her, waiting.

“It’s going to be hard… telling him.” Dina finally says, her voice soft and tired.

Jesse can feel his jaw working as he comes forward, pulls out one of the chairs and sits down, letting his leg stretch out in front of him,

“Yeah… yeah it is.”

Dina hesitates, putting her hands on the back of one of the chairs, 

“How do you want to do it?”

Jesse almost laughs, quiet and humorless. Almost says something cruel. That this is because of her, what she wanted. She should figure it the fuck out on her own. But he doesn’t, he can’t.

“I guess… we just tell him we love him, and it’s not his fault… and hope he doesn’t kill us both in our sleep.”

Dina tries to laugh, the sound coming out strained, and nods, “Yeah… I guess that’s as good a thing to hope for as any.”

She pulls out the chair and sits down in it, their legs coming close together, but never touching.

“I’ll start packing now, before we go to get him from your parents.”

Jesse lets out a long sigh, resting his head against one hand. He knew it was coming, it just hurt to finally hear it. To hear the end of their marriage be talked about so openly, with such finality. A part of him always expected it, and another never did.

“Are you sure?”

Dina’s lips pull into a tight smile, and her eyes look glassy, 

“Yeah… yeah, I’m sure. He should stay in this house, and you shouldn’t have to move. Not because of me.”

He nods sadly, and holds out his other hand, resting it on the table,

“Okay.”

For the first time he can remember, Dina doesn’t hesitate, and places her hand in his, squeezing it tightly, gently, 

“...Okay”

After a long moment where they stare at their joined hands, the two not able to look each other in the eyes, Dina slowly lets go, and stands again.

“I’m gonna get started.”

Jesse feels like his empty hand is immediately cold, even though her touch had felt so foreign to him,

“Where… where do you think you’re going to stay?”

Dina stops moving, her hands on her hips, and draws in a long unsteady breath,

“Uh…”, he can tell she’s fighting back tears, her voice quivering, “Cat and Astrid have an extra room. I guess I’ll see if I can stay with them until I can get assigned a new place.”

He just nods dumbly, that sounding as good a plan as any right now. She didn’t have any family she could go stay with like he did, and he knows he should fight with her. Try to convince her to stay here and he should move out. But he can’t find it in him to do it. She’d never even liked it here. Her heart had always been somewhere else. 

And look what’s become of that.

Jesse sucks in his lips, and looks up at her as she starts to turn away, and he has to know,

“Was it worth it? I don’t want… or need… to know what happened with you two, but was it worth throwing our family away?”

Dina’s body stills, and she stands there, frozen.

“Would you do it again?”, he presses, the hurt boiling up inside of his chest, “knowing it wasn’t going to work out?”

Dina stands, her back to him for a few long moments, before slowly walking away down the hall, and up the stairs.

He already knew. He didn't need to ask. He never had. He only did to hurt her, and he realized that as soon as the words came out of his mouth but he couldn’t stop them.

Would she do it again, even for that little time her and Ellie had shared?

Her silence was his answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> t-t-t-t-tone shift.
> 
> Obviously, a little bit different from the previous chapter.
> 
> They can't always be happy, sex filled reunions.
> 
> Just want to say, thank you so, so much to everyone who is taking the time to kudos, comment, and most of all, just to read this. It's not everyone's cup of tea, so to have some of you still with me, and some of you joining up, it really means so much. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.


	11. Keep Your Hand Inside of Mine

The sound pierces through the dark, breaking her from a dream she immediately can’t remember, and her eyes shoot open.

In the fog coming out of sleep, the stilted screaming voice sounds just like her own, but it’s echoing from across the room, from the other cot. 

From Talia.

Dina pushes herself up and hurries over, her hands hovering on either side of Talia’s shoulders as she thrashes, not sure what to do, how to wake her. She always just seemed more scared when she came to, but Dina couldn’t let her lie there and scream either, or she’d wake up everyone else in the house again. She probably already had. Dina was worried they were already wearing out their welcome, and she didn’t want to leave. 

Not again. 

Not yet.

When it becomes clear Talia isn’t going to wake on her own, Dina gently touches her arms, whispering, 

“Talia… Talia, shhh… please”

Talia’s eyes stay shut and when she begins to scream again, Dina panics and her hand reflexively lashes out, slapping Talia hard across the cheek.

The blow jolts Talia’s whole body, her eyes flashing open and in the moment before they focus, she looks more afraid than Dina has ever seen her before. Dina feels a wave of guilt wash over her, but then sister seems to find her, standing over her there in the dark, and she starts to calm. 

Talia’s hands repeatedly pad at Dina’s arms, testing to make sure she’s really there, and Dina sits down next to her on the thin mattress as Talia leans over and shakily grabs her glasses, her breath beginning to slowly even out.

Talia swallows roughly, and asks, “What’s wrong?”

Dina huffs out, annoyed, “You were-”

A knock interrupts her, and a flickering light shines through underneath the edge of the door, a soft voice on the other side,

“Everything okay in there?”

“Everything’s fine.” Talia shoots back, her voice clipped.

Dina can see the silhouettes of a pair of feet below, and she recognizes the voice as the kind woman who took care of this place, the house for kids without families in the Ouray Settlement. Dina liked her, she had been so welcoming in the week they’d been there.

“Can I bring you-”

“I said we’re fine” Talia almost shouts, and Dina gives her a stern look that Talia ignores.

Dina calls back, “We’re okay, thank you. I just had a nightmare. We’re just going to try to go back to sleep.”

“Oh, okay… well, if you need anything, I’m just upstairs… good night”

“Thank you, good night.”

Dina waits until she can’t hear footsteps or see the glow beneath the door anymore, and turns back to Talia.

“What is your deal? They’re so nice to us.”

Talia is just shaking her head, glaring at the closed door, her fingers worrying the leather of her bracelet,

“I don’t like it here. I don’t trust these people.”

Dina can feel the tension starting to creep up the back of her spine, the familiar feeling of dread every time Talia starts to get this way, when she gets so unsettled and paranoid of something that Dina isn’t seeing, that she can’t see.

“Talia…”

She watches Talia’s thumb rubbing the metal hamsa charm, her nervous tic, and she knows it’s already too late.

“I think we should go.” Talia says resolutely, pulling the sweat matted sheets off her legs and getting up.

“What, now? Right now?”

“Right now.” Talia is already kneeling down, pulling her bag out carefully from under the cot and her pistol from under the pillow, shoving it in next to the menorah sticking out of the zipper, “Come on, get your stuff.”

Dina stands, and instinctively starts heading over to her bag like she has so many times before, even though she wants to argue,

“Can’t we talk about-”

“There’s nothing to talk about. It isn’t safe here.” 

Dina sits down and starts pulling on her boots, clenching her teeth. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t see what Talia sees. Ouray seemed so safe to her, so secure. More than any other place they’d been to. There were plenty of people, families, and guards at the edge of town. What happened in Taos wasn’t going to happen here. The Raven’s probably didn’t even come as far north as Colorado.

She pulls her bag out as well, running the checklist in her mind, and stops, looking down at her entire life packed inside, and lifts her head back to Talia, who's checking the drawers in the room for anything useful.

“Maybe this time...” she says softly, “We could try a QZ? We’re pretty close to Denver-”

Talia swivels on the spot, and even in the dark Dina can see the fire in her eyes, 

“We are _not_ going to a quarantine zone.”

“But-”

“But nothing. Mom and dad would have taken us to one themselves if they were safe, and they didn’t. I’m not going to betray them by taking you to one now.” 

Dina knits her eyebrows together at the mention of their parents. Talia always brings them up like a shield, or more accurately, like a weapon. Whenever she wants to shut an argument down, to try to get Dina to just go along with whatever she wants them to do.

While Talia is going to the window and unlatching it, Dina stands from the cot and looks down at her bag again before looking back at her sister. She watches as Talia sticks her head out of the open window and gauges the distance to the ground before coming back in, to find Dina unmoving,

“C’mon, lets go.”

Dina shakes her head, “No. No I’m not leaving. I want to stay here.”

Talia barely spares her a glance before looking back out the window, “We don’t have time for this, let’s-”

“No!” her voice comes out in a whispered shout, and that gets Talia’s attention, “I don’t want to leave. I’m tired, Tal!” 

Talia comes over to her, and rubs her arm, “Hey, I’m tired too. We can sleep in a few hours. We just have to put a few miles between-”

Dina shakes her hand off, “That’s not what I mean. I’m tired of doing _this._ Of moving around all the time. I want to stay somewhere. I want to stay here!”

Talia lets out a long sigh, and rests her hands on her hips, her head dropping, 

“Look… I know… I know this is hard. I’m just… I’m trying to keep us safe. I don’t know what else to do but to keep moving when it doesn’t feel right, and...”

Her voice falls silent, but in the soft moonlight coming in through the open window, Dina can see her sister's face clearly, can see how honestly she believes what she’s saying, the sadness and the fear in her eyes as she says it, and her own will starts to crack.

She reaches out and takes one of Talia’s hands, “Are you sure it’s not safe here?”

Talia doesn’t look her in the eyes, but she nods her head.

“Okay… okay, I trust you.”

She feels Talia’s hand squeeze hers, and Talia meets her gaze, 

‘We’ll find somewhere, Dina, I promise. We’ll just keep going north, and we’ll find somewhere.”

Dina tries to smile, “Yeah...yeah, together.”

“Together.”

Silently, they both drop out of the window frame, and make their way slowly out of Ouray, avoiding the patrolling guards on the edge of town, and Dina is certain no one saw them leave. As they disappear into the darkness of the trees along the slopes, she thinks of the kind woman in the house who will wake in the morning to find their beds empty, the window open, and Dina wonders what she’ll wonder, if she’ll always think she could have done something to make them stay, to help keep them safe, but then she pushes the thought from her mind as best as she can.

There’s nothing the woman could have done. 

Once someone has already made up their mind to leave, they’re as good as gone.

\----------

Even through the dull haze fogging her mind and the ache throughout her entire body, Dina can tell things are strange. The silence in the air somehow feels heavy and tangible.

She’s never seen Jackson like this before.

Riding in through town to the clinic in such a blind fury, she had been so single minded, so focused on just getting the hard won meds from Victor to Joel, she hadn’t noticed it, but now it’s impossible to miss.

Jesse had gone on ahead of her after he’d told her what had happened while she’d been away, but she had barely even noticed he’d left. She just sat there on the steps of the clinic, numb, not believing anything she’d heard. It was too much.

Joel, somehow gone with all of his injuries.

Ellie…

Ellie, gone too.

It was all too much.

She lets Japan lead her slowly through the streets, usually by this hour filled with people starting the day. The sound of hammers on metal. Trucks would be pushing away the freshly fallen snow on the road. Kids would be on their way to the school. 

But there’s nothing. 

All the stores and sundry suppliers are closed. The gate is pulled down over the blacksmith. There’s not even anyone loitering outside of The Tipsy Bison, waiting for the doors to open and for breakfast to start being served. 

It’s almost frightening. Like all the abandoned towns she’s passed through in the years before coming here. It’s like a nightmare come to life, seeing Jackson without its people.

The only one she does see are members of the watch and other members of the patrols, people she knows aren’t scheduled for the day, coming out of their homes and hurrying towards the assignment stable, the same direction she’s headed.

She doesn’t pick up her pace to match them. She just follows slowly, allowing Japan to go back the way he knows, until eventually she’s at the stable too. A crowd has gathered at the front gate, and she slides out of the saddle, letting one of the stablehands guide Japan away, barely taking notice as she ghosts her way up through the mess of bodies.

Tommy’s voice is carrying over the din, but it’s hard to hear, so many people are talking, shouting. Everyone sounds worried. A lot of people sound angry. 

The gates are closed, the heavy bars locked down over them. Usually those wouldn’t be there when a patrol was out, which Dina knows they should be right now, but she recognizes in the crowd everyone who should be out beyond the walls according to the weekly assignments. Jesse was right. Jackson is locked down.

As she makes her way to the front, sliding between shoulders, she can see Tommy standing with his hands raised, trying to calm everyone down. Maria is a few steps behind him, uncharacteristically silent. Her arms are crossed in front of her chest, and Dina thinks it looks like she’s almost glaring at her husband, when she bothers to look at him at all.

“We’re not prepared for something like this!” someone shouts out, and there’s a loud buzz of agreement among the crowd. Tommy looks over in the direction of the voice,

“Hey now, we don’t even know for sure somethin’s comin’. And if it does, we’ll be ready.”

DIna breaks from the group, striding forward, and Tommy doesn’t turn to see her until she’s right in front of him, too late to stop her open hand from whipping hard across his face, the sharp sound of it loud enough to quiet all the clamoring voices, even if just for a moment.

Tommy takes a second before turning his face back to her, slowly letting out a long breath, bringing his hand up to his split lip, and wiping away a few drops of blood that have begun to form. Dina doesn’t move a muscle, just staring up at his face, her eyes cold.

It isn’t lost on her that Maria saw her coming and made no move to stop her, or to say anything at all to Tommy.

When Tommy looks down at her, she almost hits him again. 

“It should have been you!” she spits, her voice coming out in a low growl.

Tommy puts his hands on his hips and sighs, ‘Dina-”

“Why didn’t you go with him? Why did it have to be her?”

His eyes shoot out over the crowd behind her, “I don’t know what yer talkin-”

“The fuck you don’t, Tommy! Don’t you fucking lie to-”, her arm goes up to slap him a second time, but he grabs her by the bicep, and pulls her farther away from the group.

She tries to wrestle her arm loose from his grasp, but he holds onto her tight, hard enough that she can feel the tips of each of his fingers digging into the muscle, but when she looks back at his face he doesn’t seem angry at all. He seems tired, and worried. Almost like he’s afraid himself.

“Look darlin,” he says, his voice hushed, “now… ain’t the time.”

His hand loosens, letting her go, and she steps back, rubbing her arm where he had held her, looking between him and Maria. The older woman is looking away from them both, her eyes fixed on the ground.

Dina turns slightly to see the crowd staring at the three of them, before turning back to Tommy, running her tongue over her teeth. She wants to scream, to keep hitting him, but instead she just lets out a breath,

“You know where I’ll be.”

Tommy nods slowly, his tongue testing the knick in his lip, 

“Yeah… yeah, guess I do.”

As she turns around to go, her eyes meet Maria’s, and there’s something there in them. An apology maybe. Dina doesn’t know. She doesn’t care now either.

It doesn’t change anything.

She pushes out back past the crowd and walks quickly through the streets, the snow crunching beneath her feet, but she doesn’t know why she’s moving so fast. There’s no point. 

There’s no rush. 

Not any more.

She’s already gone, somewhere Dina can’t follow. She doesn’t even know where to look, doesn’t even know what direction they went. By the time Dina will even be able to get out of Jackson, Ellie could be anywhere. 

So far away Dina will never find her.

Does she even want to be found?

Her feet take her to that old garage, and she stands there in front of the door, a place she’s stood so many times before. 

It’s still so early in the day, the sun barely up over the horizon.

Ellie might still be asleep on the other side, just laying there in bed. 

Or maybe she’s awake. Awake and waiting.

Just on the other side, waiting for her.

But even from outside the garage feels empty.

Dina doesn’t even notice her fingers twisting the loose ends of leather around her wrist as she does it until she lets go and her hands find the door knob, holding it still for a few seconds before turning it, slowly pushing the door open into the small space, but she stays standing outside, not ready to step in yet. Not ready to see the desolation inside.

Once she does, Ellie is really gone.

\----------

The rain had finally stopped falling sometime earlier in the evening, but sluggish clouds still hang heavy in the sky, cutting off sight of the moon and the stars, and the staccato sound of drops hitting the ground lingers as the wind shakes branches and limbs above, as if the long storm isn’t done with her yet, wetting her again every time she passes under a tree. The buzzing streetlamps cast their yellow light down in a path of circles on the asphalt, glistening back in the wet veins sloping towards the gutters and in black puddles filling potholes, and she walks aimlessly beneath their amber glow, carrying a bag packed with not much at all, the weight of it heavy on her shoulders.

It had rained the whole ride back to Jackson, turning what was barely a three day journey into four, and it had been treacherous during the entire trip. The road and trails slick under Japan and Denver’s hooves, heavy mud miring them, obscuring the path where the sludge and loose rocks had slid down off of cliff faces, burying the way underneath. 

Some of the time the rain came down so thick and fast that they’d had to stop and find shelter as best as they could, holing up beneath the low boughs of one of the old-growth pines, or under an outcropping of rock while a sheet of rain covered the opening like a curtain, or in an off the road old-world building where they could find one. Those places were always dark and mouldering, like the rain had already seeped in over the long years of it’s slow collapse. The smell of mildew and rotting wood filled up the old structures and they never felt safe, sleep never able to truly find her in them. Places like that had always reminded her too much of the first nights without Talia. 

Other times the rain had been delicate, carried about drifting in the air before it fell almost like a mist, but it was just as wholly inescapable, and impossible to be dry, impossible to start a fire. In the increasingly frigid nights they’d had to eat the trail rations they’d brought cold, huddling close to each other, and when they’d laid down to sleep, they had to curl their bodies together for warmth. Even with the heat of Jesse pressed next to her, his breath hot and even against the back of her neck, Dina had felt colder than she thought she would have if they had slept apart.

Now, despite the bath she’d had before leaving their home, the water so scalding it had made her skin itch on contact, leaving it red even now, she still swears she can smell the trail on her. The muddy soil of the woods, the damp leaves and pine needles. The ozone burn of lightning in the sky. The animal scent of Japan’s wet hair and the leather of her saddle. 

All of it, clinging to her skin, still filling her nose, so strong she can taste it.

She wants to smell smoke.

She wants to taste salt and sweat and skin.

But all she smells now is the rain and the woods.

All she feels is cold.

She finds herself standing on a porch, in front of the door of a familiar house several blocks from the one she’s called home for five years. 

She doesn’t remember her feet carrying her there, and she must have already knocked because Cat is on the other side, though she doesn’t remember doing that either. Cat smiles at her and says something she must have thought was funny, but her smile falters, and then Dina is inside, and Cat is holding her. 

Dina doesn’t think she’s crying, but her cheeks feel wet, her throat feels raw and hoarse, and Cat’s arms tighten around her.

“Can I stay here for a bit?”, she’s able to rough out eventually.

She feels Cat nod against shoulder, her hands rubbing small circles against her back,

“Of course”, Cat says, her voice soothing, “of course.”

For some reason, it’s not until Cat closes the door behind her that everything starts to feel truly final.

A little bit later, after Cat has finished hugging her for what felt like days, Dina sits on the small bed in the room off of the kitchen, looking around at the assorted painted canvas’s hanging on the walls, recognizing people from around town in Cat’s handiwork. Cat had told her once that this room, with its pre-furnished bed, had probably been intended for a child when they were assigned the house. Since neither her or Astrid were interested in having kids, and it already had the bed anyways, Cat said it had just become the place for friends to crash after a party. 

Thinking about it now, that seems like bluster to Dina. Though she doesn’t doubt that they don’t want kids, it seems like Cat’s more wild days, when she threw parties where someone would get so drunk or high they wouldn’t be able to walk home, were long behind her. Whenever Dina and Cat went out together after a shift, Cat was the one who was ready to go home early, long before the end of the night, always saying the same reason: She just wanted to be with her wife. To be with the woman she loved. 

Dina had admired that, the notion being so different from her own married experience. A part of her was so envious of it. It seems like even now, as adults, she can’t help but be jealous of Cat sometimes.

The high whine of a kettle goes off in the kitchen, and Dina hears dishes clinking and water pouring, then Cat comes in, a steaming cup of tea in each hand, and she sits down on the bed next to Dina.

“Drink this, it’s awful”, Cat says, blowing into her own cup as she hands one to Dina.

Dina takes it, and the smell is strong and earthy, the liquid an almost opaque ruddy brown.

“Uh… what is it?”

“I don’t know.” Cat shrugs, “Astrid keeps making it. I think it’s from like… roots and shit she picks up on patrol. I don’t have the heart to tell her how bad it is. Consider helping me get rid of it your rent.”

“Are you sure she’s going to be alright with me staying here?” Dina asks, working herself up to take a sip.

Cat cocks an eyebrow, “Astrid knows who’s in charge in this house.”

“You’re making me drink this hot pond water so you don’t have to tell her-”

“Yeah, shut up and drink it before she gets home, this is only your first of many cups”, Cat grins, “I put some whiskey in yours anyways. You looked like you could use it.”

Dina can’t argue with that, and takes a sip of the tea. _“Hot pond water”_ wasn’t too far off.

“And don’t worry about Astrid. She loves you. She still talks about the time you saved her from a Bloater like you’re goddamn Daniela Star or something.”

Dina sighs, remembering the night in Victor so many years ago when she’d almost gotten them both killed for nothing, in the end. 

“I got her into that mess in the first place.” Dina says quietly, looking into her cup.

Cat downs her drink in one gulp, scrunching her face, “Hey, _no one_ makes Astrid do anything. Except me. Sometimes. In this room, sometimes.”

Dina’s smile doesn’t find her eyes like it normally would, and she tries to hide it behind drinking more of the tea, as Cat watches her thoughtfully, her own playful grin lowering.

Cat sets her cup down on the floor, and pulls her legs up onto the bed, facing Dina, 

“So… this is really it this time?”

Dina nods slowly, placing her cup on the small table by the bed.

“You don’t think-”

“No…” Dina shakes her head, and she can feel tears start to brim in her eyes, “No, we um… told Elijah and everything. And the fucked up thing is, I think… I think I’ve been gone so much anyways that he didn’t really understand, you know? I think he thinks I’m just going on another patrol or something. So… _that_ was hard. And it’ll be even harder once he realizes that’s not what’s happening.”

Cat reaches down and rubs Dina’s knee, “It’s okay… not _that_ many people say you’re a bad mom. Like, almost no one. Bakers dozen at best.”

“You’re _such_ a dick.” Dina laughs, wiping at her eyes.

“I mean, at least out loud...”

“Fuck you.”

Cat gives her a reassuring smile, “You weren’t happy. Hell, you were fucking miserable. That has to be worse for a kid than having split up parents.”

Dina snorts, leaning back against the headboard, “Yeah… I guess we’ll see.”

After a few moments, Cat moves up and sits in the spot next to her, nudging her with her shoulder,

“You don’t have to tell me, but… I’m assuming, since you disappeared for a week, and now _this,_ that…”

Dina turns her head to look at her, her eyes red, as Cat continues,

“... you went to Dubois.”

Dina sucks in a long breath and bites her lip, the flood of memories from the past days hitting her so hard she has to close her eyes, and she just nods.

She hears Cat sigh, and feels her lean softly against her,

“Did you find her?”

\----------

A sense of smallness.

Of distance.

That’s the only way to describe it.

The way she’s approached everything, her entire life, over the past five years. 

Taking each day, each moment as they came. In tiny increments. Little parceled off spans of time. 

_This section is for patrol._

_This one for Elijah... or Jesse, if there’s time._

_This one for trying to find her._

Never letting anything feel too long, or too connected. 

She could handle that. She could exist in that space. 

If all she had to do was get from one little piece to the next, she could do that, even if she was doing it from the outside, looking in. Never giving herself over to any of it. 

_That,_ she just couldn’t do again. 

She’d promised herself not to after her father, and her mother, and Talia; after everyone she’d ever loved had died. Had been ripped away from her. 

But then she’d broken that promise. Ellie had made her shatter it like it was nothing and not look back.

And then Ellie was gone too.

So after that she allowed herself those two things.

Smallness.

And distance.

But in here…

In this room, on this bed, with Ellie’s hands gripping her hips, and Ellie’s soft lips and her warm tongue moving against her, and the feel of Ellie’s hair on her fingers and on her thighs, nothing feels small.

Nothing feels distant.

Everything Dina has ever felt for this stupid, infuriating, beautiful girl between her legs is pouring all at once into her heart, overflowing into every part of her, and it all feels too big. Far too much to ever contain within the frame of her body, and she’s sure she’s just going to fracture from the pressure. She’s going to break wholly apart, and nothing will be left, and it scares her, but she doesn’t stop it. Instead it just builds and expands before it all suddenly comes tumbling out in her shattered voice, some deep part of her repeating Ellie’s name over and over like a prayer until she can’t speak anymore and her lips just breathlessly mouth the word.

Before her body can put all of its fragmented parts back together and she’s able to open her new eyes, she feels Ellie crawl on top of her, feels the weight and the heat of Ellie’s form pressing down against hers. Dina wraps her arms around Ellie’s neck and her legs around her back, locking her ankles together, and she holds her tight, raking her lips and her teeth against the taut skin over Ellie’s collarbone, trying to pull Ellie into herself, so that when Dina is whole, Ellie will be a piece of her, and they’ll never be apart again.

She can feel Ellie’s breath, softly blowing against her cheek, can hear it quietly in her ear, and it’s like life flowing directly into her, through her skin, through every pore, into every fiber and nerve. As it fills her up, she can’t help but to start laughing, quietly at first, but then enough that she’s shaking both of their bodies, linked together, intertwined, and then Ellie is laughing too.

When Ellie pulls back and kisses her, full and open, she can taste herself on Ellie’s tongue, and the sensation is heady and intoxicating, and she can’t stop the soft moans and whimpers that bubble up out of her throat, the sounds lost in Ellie’s mouth. The kiss isn’t broken by either of them pulling away but rather because neither of them can maintain it through the smiles cresting their lips.

Too soon, Ellie shifts off of her, coming to rest at her side, and Dina turns to face her, their legs tangling together, her hand coming up and finding Ellie’s face, tracing the soft lines and curves of her skin. Her thumb caresses over Ellie’s lips, and Ellie smiles under it, brushing kisses against it. Dina lets her hand trail up into Ellie’s hair, her fingers loosely knitting into the still damp strands, her fingernails running smoothly against her scalp.

From the small light coming into the room from the curtain covered window, flashing brighter every so often as lightning streaks somewhere off in the sky, Dina can just barely see Ellie’s face. A soft glint mirrors in her leaf green eyes, and in this small room, with the sound of the rain on the roof above them, Ellie is her whole world. 

She’s the only thing there is to see.

It feels like hours pass in those moments while they lie there, but Dina doesn’t mind. She could live in those moments forever. Just her and Ellie, here together, until the end of time.

Ellie wets her lips, and her voice comes out in a soft whisper,

“Dina…”, she still can’t believe she’s hearing her name in that voice again. It sounds like music.

“...I’m… I’m _so_ so-”

Before she can finish, Dina surges forward and kisses her, urgent and strong, swallowing the words before they finish being said, and she can feel Ellie melt into her, letting them go.

She breaks the kiss, but peppers other smaller ones onto Ellie’s lips before she moves back down, 

“Don’t be sorry”, Dina says, “Not now.”

Ellie’s eyes glisten, and Dina can see her lips and her chin quivering. Ellie moves her hand up to hold the back of Dina’s and turns her face to kiss Dina’s palm, smiling against her skin.

Dina gently runs her foot along the length of the back of Ellie’s leg, letting herself indulge in the feel of the different parts of Ellie’s body touching hers. Every little bit that she had spent so long imagining, picturing. Dreaming about, crying over. 

It was all here now, with her, against her. 

Ellie is with her.

It feels both new and familiar. Like a song she’s never heard before but she somehow knows the melody. Everything just fits. Everything is right.

It’s the only song she ever wants to hear again.

“I know you had to leave”, she says, “You had to take care of him, and I don’t blame you for it... I never did.”

Ellie nods slightly, her eyes closed tight, still holding Dina’s hand against her lips.

“Did he make it?” 

Ellie turns back to her, letting go of her hand, and runs her fingertips lightly along Dina’s arm,

“Yeah… yeah, he did. We, um… we live in a cabin just outside of town. We have chickens.”

Dina wants to make fun of her, but her eyes flutter at Ellie’s touch, and she tries to keep her voice calm, every word wanting to flit and waver under the feel of Ellie’s hand on her naked skin,

“Um...why outside? Wouldn’t it... mmm.. wouldn’t it be safer to find a place here?”

Ellie’s hand continues ghosting along, finding its way up Dina’s shoulder, then down over the sensitive skin stretched along her ribs,

“Probably, yeah, but…”

Ellie hesitates for a moment, and Dina wants to push, but Ellie is drawing little patterns on her skin and she can’t think straight. She has to bite her lip to keep the sounds inside her mouth that Ellie’s touch is making her want to let loose.

After a moment, Ellie goes on,

“...but Tommy comes sometimes. Pretty often, I guess. Brings us supplies. People know him around here, and we were afraid it would draw too much attention if we were in town and he visited so much. So… he goes around the long way, and no one ever knows he was there.”

Dina lets out a soft laugh at that, shaking her head, “I fucking knew it… I _knew_ it.”

“Yeah, uh…”, Ellie smiles, “He told me the last time he was here that he’d had to stop coming for a bit because he was worried _someone_ was catching on.”

Ellie is still smiling, but there’s an uncertainty on her face and in her tone, “He, um… he never wanted to tell me anything about Jackson, but…” 

“What is it?” Dina asks, when Ellie falls silent for a moment.

Ellie takes another second before asking, “You… have a son?”

Dina draws in a deep breath. She was both prepared and not at all ready for the question. All she can do is nod.

“... with Jesse?”

She can feel her chest clenching and her stomach twisting, and her voice comes out small when she finally speaks,

“Yeah. It… it happened before you left. Before him and I broke up. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until a little after a month later…”

She watches Ellie as she takes in what she’s hearing, Ellie’s fingers stilling on her, her eyes drifting before coming back to Dina’s,

“And… you named him...”

“Elijah”, Dina whispers.

In the dark, after a long pause where Dina almost starts to try to explain more, she can see a small grin creep over Ellie’s face, 

“You are… _so_ obsessed with me.”

The vice on her heart lets go, and she lets her mouth fall open,

“Are you fucking kidding right now?”

“This must be pretty embarrassing for you”, Ellie teases.

“You’re infuriating-”

 _“-I’m_ embarrassed for you-”

“Keep it up-.”

“-I mean, _Elijah_ sounds a lot like _El-”_

“-I’m leaving. I’m going back out into that storm”, Dina says, starting to rise.

Ellie’s eyes are burning into her, a devilish smile playing across her lips,

“No one is stopping you”, but the hand Ellie has pressing down on her side, holding them together, says otherwise, and Dina smiles too.

Ellie leans in and rubs the tip of her nose against Dina’s, breathing out, “When Tommy made it sound like people were asking questions, he wouldn’t say, but I… I hoped it was you.”

Dina grins, wanting to prod back, “Why’d you hope that?”

Ellie swallows so loud that Dina can hear it, and before she even says anything else, Dina’s pulse starts to race,

“Because… I never stopped thinking about you. Not for a moment. Every single day it was you.”

Dina can feel the heat radiating out from her heart as it roars in her chest, and she pulls Ellie in closer to her, pushing their foreheads together.

“I missed you”, Dina confesses, “I missed you _so_ much.”

Ellie tilts her face up and kisses her softly, her tongue running against her bottom lip for a brief moment,

“I missed you too.” 

Dina lets her hand come down off of Ellie’s face and rest on Ellie’s forearm, feeling the ridged skin of the scar tissue underneath the tattoo, and she takes in a deep breath, breathing Ellie in. It almost doesn’t matter now, but after all these years, she has to ask.

“So… it’s true… isn’t it?”

“Yeah… it is.” Ellie whispers, so quietly Dina can barely hear her.

She lets her fingers run over the raised lines of the burn, gently mapping out the area, trying to see it in the dark,

“This is where it happened?”

Ellie nods against her head, 

“Uh-huh…”

“So the burn… you did it yourself? To cover it up…?”

“And the tattoo to cover the burn…”

She looks back up into Ellie’s eyes, so close to her,

“You didn’t have to, I’m sure you had reasons why you didn’t, but… you could have told me. It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

Ellie’s lips pull into a sad, crooked smile, “I wish I had. There’s so much… Dina, there’s so much I wish I had told you.”

Dina kisses the tip of her nose, “I’m here now.”

Ellie’s smile widens, and Dina suddenly realizes where Ellie’s fingers have been drawing their patterns,

“You are… with a tattoo of your own?”

Dina bites her lip, and she’s glad it’s dark because she can feel the heat rising in her cheeks,

“Yeah… it’s… kind of new.”

Ellie lifts herself up on her elbow and leans down, running her lips along Dina’s ribcage, making Dina’s whole body shiver, before moving back up again, her face studying the design.

“It’s kind of hard to see the details without any light, what is it?”

Dina barely hears the question over the dim sight of Ellie propped up in front of her, Ellie’s whole body laid bare, and she has to take a moment before moving her arm slightly so she can look down at the tattoo on her side.

“It’s a hamsa, like-”

“Like your bracelet.” 

Ellie finishes her thought for her so nonchalantly, like it’s obvious, but it makes the words stick in Dina’s throat. The charm on her bracelet must have been barely visible all night, buried under the sleeve of her jacket or hidden here in the dark. Ellie must have just remembered it. Just a small, inconsequential thing to anyone but Dina, but Ellie knew it, by name. Dina couldn’t remember if she had ever even told her what it was. Had Ellie always known? Had she had to find out somehow? Look for some obscure book that would tell her?

And she then remembered, after all this time. 

Dina wants to have Ellie all over again. 

There will be time.

“Y-yeah… like that.” She murmurs, the words coming out airy.

Ellie brings her fingers back up and runs them along the edge of the design, along the moth’s wings, looking back at Dina as she does,

“I don’t remember _these_ being part of it…”

Dina cocks an eyebrow at the smirk on Ellie’s face, “No, I guess not _traditionally…”_

Ellie keeps going, “Cause, you know, I have a tattoo kind of like-”

“Alright, I see where this going, and you can-”

“It just looks pretty sim-”

“-shut _all_ the way up.”

Ellie leans back in close to her, “I was right…”

Dina rolls her eyes but her voice still shakes at Ellie’s proximity, “Yeah? About what?”

“You _are_ obsessed with me.” Ellie whispers, her lips grazing along Dina’s as she says it.

Dina lets her tongue come out, just enough to touch Ellie’s lips for a second before pulling back and looking into her eyes, 

“Yeah… I guess I am.”

She can hear Ellie’s breath hitch, and her eyes get somehow darker, and Dina breathes,

“I never stopped thinking about you either. It’s just like you said. Every day was you.”

Ellie’s lips find hers in an instant and the kiss is slow, and almost reverent. Soft and full of days and months and years of lost kisses. 

When Ellie pulls her head back, Dina is left there for a moment, her eyes still closed, lost in it, and Ellie clears her throat,

“So, um… who did the tattoo for you? There a new person in Jackson? I’m sure there’s tons of people there now.”

Dina comes back to herself after another second, “Uh, no, actually”, she smiles, wondering if Ellie will find it funny or strange, “uh… Cat did it.”

“Really?” Ellie says, leaning back on her elbow.

“Yeah…’, Dina bites her lip, “Actually, she’s… she’s kind of my… best friend?”

Ellie is silent for a few moments, turning her head, looking around the room incredulously. 

“Cat.” She eventually is able to say.

“Uh-huh.” Dina nods.

 _“Cat-_ Cat.”

“Yeah.”

Ellie scrunches her eyebrows together, _“She’s_ your best friend.”

“I’m just going to give you all the time you need with this.” Dina grins.

Ellie leans back more, searching her face, “But-”

Dina’s grin widens, “And she had some _stories_ about you.”

“No-”

“Oh _yes.”_

“No, I want to go back to earlier-”

“She told me _so_ much-”

“-to before I knew this-”

“I mean, how do you think I knew you’d like-”

“Oh my _god!”_ Ellie says, twisting away onto her back, and Dina cackles, immediately following her, straddling her hips, and smiling down at her.

“Really, I think you should be _thanking_ her.” Dina purrs, letting her hands fall across Ellie’s exposed body, running slowly along her skin, feeling the goosebumps raise underneath her touch.

“Oh, her and I will definitely be having words if I ever see her again.” Ellie says, and any venom in her voice is lost in the way she bites her lip.

Dina leans down, pressing their bodies together, “I guess, we should both be thanking her. For this.”

Ellie smirks, “I hate to break it to you, but I have been with someone other than her. She didn’t teach me every-”

“That’s not what I meant,” Dina scoffs, “I mean… _all_ of this. I wouldn’t have found you without her. She-”

Ellie’s suddenly face goes dark at that, and she moves up onto her elbows, forcing Dina to sit up away from her, “Wait, what do you mean? You didn’t just come here?”

Dina looks at her confused, “No, um…”

“Dina, what do you mean?”

There’s a hint of panic in Ellie’s voice that Dina doesn’t understand, and she tries to steady her thoughts, the mood shifting so quickly, “Um, Cat heard a rumor from a trader about someone who matched your description living here.”

Ellie’s breathing is suddenly coming out hot and fast, her voice stilted, “Fuck… fuck, _fuck._ Do you know if she told anyone else?”

“No, she didn’t even tell me until a couple days ago.”

“Okay… okay, okay. Um… and you didn’t tell anyone you were coming, right?”

Dina brings her hand to her mouth, and she can’t bring herself to say it. She hadn’t even thought about it since the moment she saw Ellie there in the street. Not until now.

“Dina?”

Dina closes her eyes and whispers, “I think Jesse’s here.”

Ellie doesn’t say a word, but Dina can feel the air leave the room. 

She moves off of Ellie’s lap, and Ellie is immediately off of the bed, pulling away from her, only a few feet apart but already so distant. Ellie is throwing her clothes back on, and everything starts to feel small again. Dina starts to feel so small.

She gets up too and in a quick haze puts her clothes on as well, but their eyes never meet, Ellie breathing hard and loud.

She wants to say something.

To apologize.

But as she watches Ellie check the cylinder on her revolver it already feels too late.

She follows her out of the room and into the rain, the smell of smoke still heavy in the air.

And as they run across the balcony, behind her she can hear the door close. 

\----------

Dina can feel Cat against her shoulder on the bed, nudging her, and she lets her eyes open.

Cat’s soft voice asks her again, “Dina… did you find her?”

She swallows, her throat rough and dry, and she starts to answer, her mouth beginning to move several times, before she shakes her head.

“No…”

She feels Cat’s hand come and lightly touch her arm.

“No, she… she wasn’t there. I looked for a day and she wasn’t there. I don’t know… She must have moved on.”

Cat presses a small kiss against her shoulder, “Maybe it was never her to begin with?”

Dina clears her throat, nodding, “Yeah, who knows? Maybe not. I guess it doesn’t matter now.”

“No… I guess it doesn’t,” Cat sighs, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry…”

Dina turns and looks at her, giving her a sad smile, “I’m not. I’m not sorry. At least now I know.”

Cat nods, and stands up from the bed, “Yeah. At least there’s that.”

Dina stares ahead at nothing for a few moments while Cat stands there next to the bed awkwardly.

“Well… can I get you anything? More tea?” she says with a grin.

“No… um… actually, I forgot I needed to do something.”

She gets up quickly, and heads out of the room, saying back over her shoulder,

“I’ll be back soon.”

The night has gotten colder since she got to Cat’s, and the chill runs through her body, making her turn up her collar, and stuff both of her hands into her pockets as she walks down the street, leaves and twigs snapping under her boots. 

She had wanted to put this off. To not do it at all if she could. It hurt just to think about. But as her fingers rub against the paper resting in her jacket pocket, she knows that’s not a choice she can make.

As she reaches her destination, she hurries up the porch steps and knocks loudly on the door, not paying any heed to the hour, or what the implications would be coming here and causing alarm.

She hears a rush of footsteps pounding down wooden stairs inside, and they come quickly to the door, opening it fast. Tommy stands on the other side of the screen, holding the knob silently, looking at her, and she returns his gaze.

Dina steps back so he can open the screen door, and he slowly does, looking out around it, like he’s searching for other people,

“Darlin’,” he says, “Glad to see yer back, we didn’t know where-”

She pulls the paper from her pocket and thrusts it towards him,

“This is from Joel.”

Tommy’s eyes go wide, and he lets out a strangled sound before composing himself, his hand slowly coming up and taking it from her, pulling it back to his body like it’s a talisman. He holds it in both hands, looking down at it, and he can’t seem to look back up at her,

“Dina… I”, his voice is small and weak, “I just wanted them to be safe.”

She thought she would want to yell at him. To hit him. To kill him. For always knowing where they were and never telling her. For wasting all those years. 

But she just can’t find it in her. Not anymore.

She just turns and leaves him standing on the porch.

As Dina slowly makes her way back to Cat’s, to the remains of her life, whatever it is now, she fights and claws in her mind not to think of Ellie. 

But everything is Ellie.

Everything will always be Ellie.

But Ellie is gone.

Her teeth nibble on her lip as a soft whine starts to escape her throat, and she feels lost, every street and house looking the same. Their colors blurring together, their shapes vague and meaningless, and she falls to her knees in the middle of the street, her eyes filling with fresh tears.

She goes to massage at her wrist, the last bit of comfort she knows, but she realizes too late, as her fingers find nothing but bare skin, that she won’t find the familiar feel of leather there anymore.

She wants to sob, to scream, but the only sound that comes out is a low moan, and she tries to think of all the things she could have done differently, every way she could have fixed things.

But there’s nothing she could have done.

Once someone has made up their mind to leave, they’re as good as gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, every single chapter before I start writing I tell Ehefic and Breezered "I think this is going to be a short one", and every single chapter, they get longer and longer. 
> 
> I'm pretty sure this is my longest chapter ever, of either fic I've done, clocking in at juuuuuuuust shy of 8k. I thought it was going to be like... 4k tops.
> 
> Whoops
> 
> Whoopsie.
> 
> Anyways.
> 
> Huge thank you again to everyone who is still along for the ride, your comments and just the fact that you're still reading mean the world to me.
> 
> Song again for this one was very very much "Lost" by Luz. Imagine that.


	12. The Devil Hit His Second Stride

Evening rolls in over the pines, exchanging the pink and orange swathes in the sky between the gathering clouds for dusky blues, the faint pinpricks of stars behind them. There are no more shadows in the woods as she walks among the trees, the whole world tinted the same dim hue in the falling light. 

Searching among the lowest boughs of the junipers, she reaches up, pulling a branch down to inspect the fruit growing buried between the sharp needles. The color looks right enough, a rich deep blue, turned over the year from the bright green, a thin white powder dusting across her fingers as she touches them. She carefully plucks a handful, one by one, and heads leisurely back down the nearby path.

Once she’s inside the gate, she clicks the latch close, and it feels shaky in her hand. When she inspects it, the screws rattle a little in their holes, and the plate comes loosely away from the wood. She must have stripped them close to bare the last time she changed it. She’ll have to get bigger ones. She makes a note of it. Another thing for the list.

Before heading inside, she finishes out the other tasks about the grounds. Tossing feed to the chickens. Staking the tarp down over the beds of vegetables. Running a brush over Shimmer’s flanks and through her mane, tossing a heavy quilted blanket over her back. 

As she walks the line of the perimeter, nearly all of the thin links on the fence seem secure. There was just a small bit coming away from a post down in the southeast corner. Nothing serious, though it was the second time this week alone. She’s able to lash it back down securely enough for the night with a bit of heavy twine they had on hand, but she’d need to pick up some more wire in town to make sure it would hold enough to keep anything really dangerous out. 

If she has to guess, that was probably where that little fox kept getting in at. She’s seen it wandering the grounds for a few nights, and she probably should have done something about it, but it hadn’t been able to make its way into the smaller enclosure around the chicken coop so far, so no harm, she figures. 

Tonight, as she walks up onto the porch, grabbing a few extra logs of firewood from the heap next to the door, she turns to look back out before she heads in, and sees it roaming among the tall grass inside the fence again. She can just barely make out the deep red shade of it’s fur against the yellowing overgrowth, it’s tail bobbing low, just in and out of sight. As she leans against the railing to get a better look, the old wood creaking under her arms, it stops and turns, it’s head coming above the grass, and Ellie watches it as it watches her. 

For a few moments, the fox stands there, it’s golden eyes locked on her, silent and unmoving, before it continues about it’s unsettled patrol, pacing out along the boundary of the fence, it’s nose pressed against the bottom edge.

Ellie watches it for just a little longer, before turning around and heading inside, finding Joel moving slowly around the kitchen. Slowly, but well. It seems like he’s really been taking to the prosthetic, better than Ellie had hoped he would at least. 

“It’s really starting to get cold. Seems kind of early this year”, she says, setting one of the logs down in the cubby next to the oven. 

He rustles with something as she walks passed to toss the other log into the flames smoldering in the fireplace, and she turns back to see him folding up a piece of paper he was scrawling something on, slipping it into his pocket as he looks up at her and says,

“Earlier every year, seems like. How was the walk?”

Ellie heads back over to the counter, taking the revolver out of the back of her pants and setting it down with her bag, “Not bad. There’s a hole in the fence, gonna need to fix that.”

He nods, humming in agreement, and she eyes him setting the pen he was using down, and she grins, “I didn’t know you could write.”

Joel chuckles, “Yep, had ta learn. If I didn’t start writin’ down what I needed ta be doin’ every day, I wouldn’t be gettin’ nothin’ done.”

“You still don’t get anything done.”

“Well, tha’s cause I write ‘make Ellie do everythin’ on the list.”

“Sounds about right,” she fishes in her bag for the berries she picked, “Now that I know, you can make it up to me by boiling some water. First step of many.”

“Already got some on, kiddo,” Joel nods over his shoulder to the kettle on the stove.

Ellie squints her eyes at him as she starts heading to her room to change, “I got my eyes on you, old man.”

Sometime later, they’re both where they usually find themselves. Pressed into opposite ends of the couch, Ellie turned with her back against the arm, her knees up, her feet on the middle cushion, and Joel on the other end, his good leg propped up on the coffee table, the prosthetic resting on the floor, a crutch nearby.

The fire glows steadily in the hearth, the wood crackling as it breaks and burns, and Ellie feels not just warm, but warmth. It’s almost as if a part of her feels peaceful and settled, or like it wants to. 

This should be enough. 

She turns her book down over her knees and watches him occasionally as he reads. The way the muscles in his face tense as he gets to a part she imagines is suspenseful, or grins at a joke. How ridiculous he looks in those glasses. She thinks of how he smiles every time he sees her, and how close they came to losing each other. How close she came to losing him. 

Everything has a price, doesn’t it?

Joel was worth this one. Seeing him, still here and alive every day, reminds her of that, even as she can feel other parts of herself disappearing. 

She’ll find new ones. Someday. 

Someday she’ll be whole again.

She watches Joel absentmindedly massage his leg, and sees the slight twinge of pain on his face as he does,

“Leg acting up?” she asks, picking up her mug from the table.

“Yup”, he drawls back, still reading, “Think I prob’ly tested my luck with how long I wore the boot today.”

“Oh”, she nods, “Is it not comfortable? Tommy said there were-”

“It’s jus’ fine. Jus’ shouldn’t be wearin’ it so long is all”, his mouth turns up into a small, crooked grin, “I jus’... it’s nice. Movin’ more like I use too.”

Ellie smiles a little, bringing the cup to her lips, “Oh… good. Just don’t be a dumbass and hurt yourself.”

She takes a sip and immediately spits it back out, the liquid still scalding. “Ah, fuck!”, she yelps, trying not to spill any on herself as she sets it back down.

Joel's grin grows, still not looking away from his book, “Did you jus’ burn yourself after-”

“No!”, she spits, rolling the tip of her tongue around in her mouth, trying to ease the burn, “It’s just… really bitter.”

“Right…”

“Maybe if you hadn’t used all the honey, this wouldn’t be so unbearable”, she says, lightly kicking his leg.

“I like my toast how I like my toast”, he says dismissively.

She huffs, eyeing his book, trying to change the focus, “Haven’t you read that one before?”

Joel cocks an eyebrow, “Ain’t you read tha’ one before?”

Ellie looks down at the worn copy of _“Are the Planets Inhabited?”_ in her hand, open onto a full spread of the Andromeda Galaxy that she had staring at for a while,

“Mines informative. What’s yours about?”

Joel clicks his tongue, “Scalpin’.”

Ellie leans forward, suddenly more interested, “What? It’s about scalping? Like… how to scalp someone? That’s kind of fucked-”

“No,” Joel chuckles, finally setting it on his lap with the pages down, “It’s… honestly, I don’t know if I could tell you what it’s about. It jus’ set durin’ a time when people were doin’ horrible things ta each other. There was a bounty in the old west for Native American scalps, and… the people in this book are bounty hunters.”

Ellie leans back, “The good guys are bounty hunters going out scalping people?”

“I didn’t say they was good guys. It’s a strange book, but it makes me feel a way… I don’t know”, Joel rubs his hand across the scruff of his beard, “I guess if I had ta say, I guess it’s kind of about the things people are capable a’ doin’, and what’ll get visited back on ya for what ya done.” 

His voice trails off and he stares into the fire. Ellie watches him silently, before raising her eyebrows, and monotoning, 

_“Cool.”_

He laughs softly and looks back at her, 

“Why don’t you tell me about your reading, then?”

Ellie sighs, looking down at the page, “Uh… I’m not really reading it, just thinking about stuff.”

“Wanna talk about any of that?”

She shakes her head a little, “Not really.”

“H’okay”, he says, picking back up his book and adjusting his glasses.

A few minutes pass as he reads, and she considers trying to open up, but instead she says,

“Did you know in space that if two metals made of the same material touch, they’ll bond together?”

Joel sets his book back down and he looks over at her, his attention rapt, “Now how’s tha’ work?”

“Um, I guess here on Earth”, she says sitting up, crossing her legs in front of her, “when two things touch there’s always a layer of air or water or something between them, but out there, there’s nothing. So when the metal touches, the atoms don’t know they’re different, and they bond together. It’s called cold welding.”

He smiles his crooked smile at her, and says softly, “Ain’t tha’ somethin’.”

“Yeah, pretty cool right?”

“Uh-huh”, he says, pulling his leg down off the coffee table and leaning forward, looking like he’s trying to think of something, “Did you know… hmm.”

“What?” She says, leaning in.

“Tryin’ ta think of a good one. Don’t rush me.”

“Take your time, old man.”

Joel snorts, “A’right, I got one. Did you know there’s enough room between the Earth and the moon tha’ you-”

“Could line up every planet in the solar system between them? What is this, amateur hour?”

“Can’t put anything pas’ you, girl.” Joel says, still smiling.

“That’s only true during apogee though.”

“Nice of you ta say you’re sorry.”

Ellie rolls her eyes, “It means when the moon and the Earth are the farthest away from each other.”

“A’right… give me another one.”

“Okay, the first time we ever sent spacecraft up to observe a comet, was a fleet of five to look at Halley’s Comet in-”

“1986”, Joel cuts in, “Year after I was born.”

Ellie grins, “Well look at you. I guess it’s not just dust and tumbleweeds up there.”

“Very funny”, Joel seems to get almost wistful for a moment, “When we was kids, Tommy had a thing for comet’s and meteors and shit, jus’ for a little while. He always dragged me out in the yard ta try ta see ‘em. Tha’ was before he discovered football.”

“Shit, how did I not ever know about this?” Ellie says, slapping Joel’s arm, “I could have been talking to him instead of you about this stuff the whole time? I’ve been hanging out with the wrong Miller.”

Joel smiles, “He probably doesn’t even remember. It’s not like we ever saw anythin’ memorable.”

“Well”, she says, thinking about the dates, “You’ll probably get the chance to see it when it comes back around. It’s supposed to be back in ‘61. That’s only 17 years. We’ll all watch it together.”

Joel looks at her, but his eyes don’t meet hers, and his smile falters as he leans back against the couch, 

“Yeah… guess we’ll jus’ hafta see it then.”

Ellie’s smile fades as well as she looks at him, her eyes searching his face, trying to figure out the change in his demeanour, but she can’t. She just sits back in her spot, and looks down at the open pages of her book as he goes back to reading his, and they stay there, silent and together.

Eventually, when the light of the fire has grown low, Joel’s head hangs back against the couch as he snores, loud and uneven, and she rubs her eyes, yawning as she stands. She pulls the blanket off the back of the couch and drapes it over him, smoothing the hair out over his forehead with her thumb, wishing him a wordless good night. 

She takes her cup to the sink and pour out the cold dregs, setting her book down on the counter next to a high stack of others. The tea really would have been better with honey, less bitter at least. Maybe she’ll pick some up tomorrow when she goes into town for the rest of the supplies, if they have enough credits left over. 

When she goes into her room, she doesn’t even take off any clothes. She just crawls into bed, pulling the covers tight around herself, resting her head on the pillow as sleep closes in on her. 

Like every night, she wishes she had a picture of her. Just something she could see before she finally shuts her eyes.

And like every night, she marks off another day in her mind.

Five years.

Seven months.

And two days.

What was one more?

\----------

The garage feels strange, being in there without Ellie.

She tries to think back on the years before, but can’t remember a time she’s ever been in it and Ellie wasn’t there too.

An overwhelming urge to explore falls over her. Not that Dina doesn’t help herself to Ellie’s things when she’s there anyways, but it’s almost like being there without her, that there’s some sort of unspoken permission, and she wants to take advantage of it.

She wants to look through all of Ellie’s art, the paintings and the sketches. The things that she usually keeps covered up, away from Dina’s wandering eyes.

She wants to flip through Ellie’s stack of journals that she knows she keeps hidden away in the bedside table next to the window, in the lowest drawer. To get a look into the parts of her that Ellie will only tell to a page. 

Most of all, the thing she finds she really can’t explain, she wants to touch Ellie’s clothes. She wants to pull one of those flannels she wears off a hanger and breathe it in. To feel it soft against her skin. She imagines they all smell like Ellie does. 

She doesn’t do any of it though.

She just sits in the middle of the couch against the wall, leaning into Jesse, his arm heavy around her shoulders. 

His fingers trace lazy circles on the exposed skin of her arm, and she knows most of the time she would find the familiar gesture comforting, soothing. Right now, she barely registers it. It feels automatic, unthinking. Only a habit. Just something they do. 

She’s not sure she wants him to stop, but she’s not sure she wants him to keep going either.

Dina can’t blame Jesse for going through the motions though, not today. Not when she’s doing it herself. Not when her mind is off somewhere else too.

She doesn’t even know why it was so hard. It wasn’t like this was the first time something like this had happened. 

It was just always worse when there was a kid.

Normally, Jesse would be talking to her. Trying to console her. Pulling her into his warmth, even if she’s trying to push back. She could always count on him for that, even when she thought she didn’t want it or need it. He was steady and certain. Reliable.

Today, he sits next to her quiet, drawing careless patterns on her bicep, and doesn’t move to draw her close. 

And she can’t tell if the unmoored feeling in her chest as he drifts away was unsettling or liberating. It’s too new to know, to be able to examine.

She doesn’t turn to look at him, but she pulls in a breath, and asks,

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jesse lets out a long sigh, “I don’t know… not really. I just… I don’t know.”

Dina sits up, and looks at his face, his eyes puffy and red. She doesn’t remember seeing him cry, but he must have been, silently, and she feels guilt tugging at her that she hasn’t noticed. 

She places her hand on Jesse’s leg, squeezing it gently.

“We can, if you want to.”

“Yeah”, Jesse says, sucking in his lips, “Yeah… I know. I’ve seen it before, we all have, but not-”

He’s interrupted by the door opening, and Ellie walks in, clutching a pair of half empty bottles, one in each hand. 

“Sorry that took so long. Fucking Seth wouldn’t sell me any beer. He said they were ‘all out’, but there were like five people at the bar drinking. That guy is such a fucking asshole.”

Ellie throws herself down in the spot next to Dina, wedging herself into the small space, and sets the bottles on the small table in front of them. Dina eyes the liquor and smirks at Ellie. 

She doesn’t even know when it happened, but Dina distantly notices she isn’t touching Jesse’s leg anymore.

She reaches for one of the bottles to examine the label, “So where’d this come from then?”

Ellie just shrugs, and grabs the other bottle, taking out the cork with a quiet pop and putting it to her lips.

Jesse leans forward, taking the bottle from Dina, “Did you take these from Joel’s?”

Ellie pumps an eyebrow, still drinking, and then hands her bottle to Dina when she finishes, “Maybe.”

“I don’t know if we should be drinking this”, Jesse warns, placing it back on the table.

“For fucks sake”, Ellie says, rolling her eyes, “Who cares? Why should he get to hoard all the good stuff while we’re stuck drinking the shit Antony makes?”

Dina takes a sip, and smiles over at Jesse, nudging his shoulder, “This is pretty good.”

“I know”, Jesse says quietly.

Ellie snorts, “When have you had…”, she pauses to read the label on the bottle Jesse was looking at, “Quinns Old Irish?”

“Tommy, Joel, and I have a drink every once in a while.”

Ellie lets out a humorless laugh, “Fucking boys club.”

Dina turns to look at him, “When do you do that?”

“When you two are hanging out”, Jesse says, indifferently.

“You never told me about that”, she says, taken aback.

“You never asked.”

Dina just stares at him for a long moment, and he stares back. 

She can hear the bottle slosh behind her, as Ellie takes another pull, 

“Um… so you guys want to like… play video games or something?”

Dina searches Jesse’s face as he looks at her, but it’s a mask. Is this what their relationship was now?

He looks over her to see Ellie, pulling a joint from his pocket, “Not really. I’d love to get high though.”

“I _love_ high Jesse”, Ellie says.

“Well, then let’s get Jesse high”, he replies, glancing back at Dina for a moment.

Later, the earthy smell fills the room and the incandescent glow of the lights strung up on the big door is warm and foggy behind the pale haze in front of them. Ellie sits in the same spot she always does, pressed against the arm of the couch next to the wood burning heater, her legs propped up and crossed over each other on the coffee table. Jesse has moved to the chair Ellie keeps in front of her desk, pulling it over to the couch, and his arms hang limply at his sides as he repeatedly rolls it a few inches back and forth. 

Dina lays on the couch, her head resting on a pillow against the opposite arm as the one Ellie leans against, her feet on Ellie’s lap. Her attention keeps being pulled to watching Ellie languidly place the joint between her lips and suck the smoke in. To the way she licks her lips afterwards like she was trying to keep the taste on her tongue. 

The only thing she has to distract herself is the lighter in her hand, and she clings to it’s cool metal, methodically popping open the top, flicking the gear and watching the flame come to life, and then closing it again.

It worked well enough to keep her mind occupied. It helped remind her of Eugene. It was the only thing he had left her. It was the only thing he had left anyone.

As she snaps it shut again, Ellie moves to hand her the joint, and she reaches to take it, as Ellie asks,

“Can I see that?” her hand gesturing towards the lighter.

Dina smiles a little as their fingers graze each other as they exchange objects, “Mmmhmm.”

She takes a hit, holding it in as she watches Ellie inspect the small metal lighter, opening it and closing it, turning it over in her hands. She wonders if Ellie had ever seen one like it before. Dina hadn’t, before Eugene.

“Eugene always called it his ‘zippo’, whatever that means”, she offers, passing the joint over to Jesse.

Ellie’s eyes light up and she snaps her fingers, “Fuck, now that joke makes sense. I never understood it.”

“What joke?”, Dina asks, as Jesse sighs, coughing a little,

“Please don’t get her started.”

Ellie jumps up and hurries over to the small shelf by her desk, pulling a small worn book with a blue cover and a yellow spine out, and she flips the pages, landing decidedly on one, and Dina watches her grin grow as she scans over the words,

“What’s the difference between a hippo and zippo?”

“I dunno, what?”, Dina asks, playing along wholeheartedly.

Ellie’s smile is swallowing her entire face as she struggles to get out, “One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.”

Jesse groans in his chair as Dina tries to hold in a laugh, but it comes bubbling out,

“That’s so dumb.”

“You love it”, Ellie says triumphantly.

“What’s a hippo?” Jesse mumbles after a second.

“It’s a big…”, Ellie starts then stops, “Fuck, I don’t know. Picture like... a water cow.”

“Like a manatee?” he asks.

Ellie looks at him incredulously, “How the fuck do you know what a manatee is, but not a hippo?”

Jesse shrugs, “I’m not sure I really know what a manatee is.” 

Dina reaches back for his hand, “That’s okay, I don’t think I do either.”

All she finds is empty space, before the joint is placed back between her fingers. 

Jesse clears his throat, “Can I watch you guys play video games or something for a bit? I just want to lay down. This is hitting me hard.”

Dina turns her head to look at him, but he’s looking away from her, over at Ellie. Dina sighs, 

“Sure, if you want to, Ellie?”

Ellie grins, “I’m always up for beating you at something.”

Even when she’s not a little drunk and a lot high, Dina isn’t very good at video games. Usually she just enjoys watching Ellie play them. The way she sits all the way up at the edge of the bed, her legs crossed, all hunched over. How intense and focused her face gets. The way she leans when she’s turning in the game, or how she mashes buttons. Dina doesn’t know a lot about video games, but she’s pretty sure that doesn’t help. 

Her favorite is the way Ellie pokes the tip of her tongue out of the side of her mouth and furrows her eyebrows, and then the way her cheeks bloom red when she notices Dina watching. 

But tonight, Dina is too distracted to notice all those little things she normally enjoys about video games. She can’t keep her mind off of what happened earlier, out on patrol. 

After less than an hour, Ellie pauses the game suddenly and turns to her, placing her controller on the bed next to her, her face full of worry,

“Are you doing okay?”

Dina tries to force a smile, “Yeah, I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

“Dina…”

She sighs and sets the controller down in her lap, “I mean… I don’t know. I think I’m doing as well as I can be. I’m worried about Jesse though.”

They both turn and look over at him, fast asleep on the couch, his face twitching and anxious.

“He’s… I mean, we’ve all… when people have turned. But…”

“But not a kid.” Ellie finishes for her.

Dina shakes her head, “No… not a kid. He’s taking it really hard. _Really_ hard.”

They sit together, and Dina feels like she has to continue, like it’s coming up now,

“And then the parents, they… they… I mean, I guess I wouldn’t want to keep going either, after that. I don’t know, we just didn’t know when we found them at the lookout. I think the parents did but they just… hoped, I guess? Maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe we could have helped. I think Jesse thought we could, at least before that boy started to turn. He always wants to help. Even when there’s nothing you can do.”

Dina looks over at Ellie, and there’s something deep and sad and raw there she’s not expecting to find, and Ellie can’t look her in the eye. Ellie sniffs, tugging at the edge of her sleeve,

“There wasn’t anything _you_ could have done.”

“Yeah”, Dina tries to find solace in that, “There’s nothing anyone could have done.”

Ellie snorts and the sound is almost cruel. She lifts her head, looking out the window of the garage to the house next to it, “Yeah…”

Dina reaches out a hand and places it on Ellie’s back, “Hey… are _you_ al-”

Ellie looks back passed her over to Jesse, “Should probably get him home.”

“He’s fine. He sleeps like a rock. Doesn’t even snore.” Dina says, not moving her hand, giving her a reassuring smile.

Ellie starts to stand, “Well, why don’t you two sleep on the bed at least, I’m okay on the couch.”

“Ellie, he’s fine. He’ll be out like that until morning. We can sleep in the bed.”

“Dina, really, it’s not-”

“C’mon”, Dina says, crawling over the mattress and pulling the covers down onto herself. 

Ellie watches her hesitantly, looking between her and Jesse, until she seems to give in, turning off the tv as she moves to take her spot. She flips off the lamp on the small table, and turns to face Dina.

Dina takes in deep breathes, the silhouette of Ellie’s body next to her lined in the light of the window. It feels like even this close, there’s distance between them. That there’s things Ellie isn’t telling her. Things she won’t tell her. 

There are things she hasn’t told Ellie either, but she wants to. She’s not sure what scares her more. The things Ellie might tell her or that she wants to tell Ellie everything.

And through it all, the images of patrol from today. 

Of a desperate family. 

A sick child. 

Dina freezing as the boy lunged for her. 

The bullet Jesse had put in him. 

The two the parents had put in themselves.

She can see Ellie’s eyes watching her in the dark, and it’s too much.

She mumbles, “Goodnight”, and rolls over before Ellie can say it back.

She hears Ellie whisper, “Goodnight, Dina” just as the tears start to roll down her cheeks, and she tries to hide behind deep, even breaths.

It was always harder when it was a kid.

\----------

The wind screams it’s own unearthly howl, blowing the heavy white flurries down, batting against her body as she rounds the final bit of the trail. It cakes down onto her shoulders and her legs, and she feels heavier every passing moment, like it’s burying her even as she moves through it.

Shimmer’s breath comes out in hot steam, bursting from her mouth as she presses on. Their pace isn’t fast, but every step in the deep snow is a trial.

Finally, in the distance after what seems like hours or days or weeks, she can see the dark outline of the cabin hidden in squall. The warm glow of firelight in the windows. 

Just seeing it makes her feel warmer already.

After securing Shimmer in her stable and covering her as best she can, she makes her way inside the cabin, pressing the door shut against the wind. She nearly collapses against the wall, just the exertion of getting through the thick mounds of snow between the stable and the house enough to wind her. 

She throws off her coat and boots and rushes into the living room, carrying her full bag with her, and crumples down next to the fire burning in the hearth. She holds her hands in front of the flames, and rubs them together, briefly blowing into them, just so she can get them warm enough so they stop shaking. Just enough so she can dig through her bag and find the medicine, to fill up the syringe to the right amount without spilling.

She fights the tremors and fills it as steadily as she can, to the amount Karlson had told her to, and turns to Joel, laid out on the mattress she had pulled in front of the fire before she had left. 

His whole body shakes, his teeth chattering together in his mouth, and it sounds like he’s hyperventilating, fighting to breathe steadily. Sweat pours from his skin, and when she puts her hand to his forehead, it feels like he’s on fire, burning from the inside out.

The needle vibrates rapidly in her grasp, and she grabs it with her other hand, taking in a series of deep breaths, trying to calm herself. 

This isn’t like when they were on the road. 

They have a place to stay. It’s safe. There’s a town nearby. There’s medicine. There’s Karlson. He’s been helping take care of Joel for over a year. 

It’s going to be okay. 

She’s not going to lose him.

Not now. 

Not ever.

Her hand stills enough, and she plunges the needle in while she can, before the shaking comes back. As she depresses the plunger, Joel winces a little, but doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t even seem to know she’s there.

Once the barrel is empty, she pulls it back out, and presses a soft piece of cotton against it, before laying down on the mattress next him, wrapping her arms tight around his body and rubbing quickly, trying to warm him, to help fight the fever.

She presses her forehead against his arm, and whispers over and over, 

“I’m here.”

She’s not going to lose him.

Not after everything they’ve been through.

Not now. 

Not ever.

\----------

The force of the front door slamming vibrates the entire front wall of the house, the sound a loud splitting crack, and Elijah immediately bursts into a high-pitched wail in her arms. Dina turns away from the stove to see Jesse come storming into the dining room, pacing back and forth in front of the table.

She bounces Elijah against her chest, cooing softly to him, 

“It’s okay, sweetheart, it’s okay, mama’s here.”

She watches from the kitchen as Jesse prowls the room like a caged animal. Anxious and erratic, breathing heavily, his eyes wild and unfocused. Elijah begins to calm as she soothes him and she walks around the counter to the edge of the dining room, cautious and slow.

“Jesse…”, she says quietly, “what’s wrong?”

He stops moving and looks up at her for the first time, his jaw working, his mouth opening and closing a few times, almost like he’s baring his teeth, before he says to her coldly, 

“Let me hold him.”

Dina doesn’t mean to, but she instinctively takes a step back, her other hand protectively to Elijah’s back, “Maybe you should take a minute-”

“Let me hold my son!” he snaps, and Dina flinches, causing Elijah to stir and start to whine again.

Her face hardens, “Jesse, calm down.”

He looks between her and Elijah, and his whole body deflates, “I’m sorry… I’m… I didn’t mean to… I just… I really need to hold him right now.”

Dina pauses for a long moment, but seeing him look so defeated, the tone in his voice, she slowly walks over and offers Elijah to him. He takes their son so gently, so tenderly, and pulls him in close to his chest, closing his eyes, and presses a kiss against the top of his head.

Elijah murmurs against Jesse, and Jesse whispers something Dina can’t hear as she crosses her arms, holding them in front of her, “Jesse… what happened?”

Jesse bounces Elijah lightly and looks at her, and she can see his eyes are rimmed red, and again, he starts to try to speak a few times before he’s able to, his words coming out small, 

“Greg got bit.”

Dina sucks in a sharp breath as it hits her, her hand flying to cover her mouth, “No…”

Jesse nods, his tongue working against the inside of his mouth, “Yeah… while he was out on patrol with Khanh. Just out in Wilson Valley. Wilson is _always_ clear. _Always.”_

She falls heavily into one of the chairs, “Poor Bonnie… Oh my god, Jesse they just-”

“Yeah,” he nods, “Emma’s barely six months old.”

He sits down across from her, one of his fingers held tightly in Elijah’s little hand, and he just stares down in his face.

Dina leans against the table, her head in her hands. She’s known Greg since she came to Jackson. He was always around, always helping out where he could. He was a good partner on patrol. A good guy. A good friend. As far as she knew, a good husband and father, and now just… gone.

Gone like so many others.

She doesn’t want to ask, but the words just slip out, “So, did he… himself, just right then?”

Jesse shakes his head.

The air leaves her lungs again, if he didn’t then Khanh did, and Khanh and Greg had been inseparable as long as she had known either of them. Like brothers. She can’t even imagine.

“Khanh did it?”

Jesse shakes his head again.

Dina looks at him, full of confusion, “Then what happened?”

Jesse takes in a stuttery breath, and keeps looking at Elijah, “Well… Khanh left him out there with his pistol with a bullet, and came back a wreck. And then a few hours later… Greg showed up at the walls too.”

“Oh my god…”

“He…”, Jesse’s eyes start to get glassy, “He wanted to see Bonnie one more time. And Emma. What was I gonna do? I couldn’t just…”

He rubs at his eyes, like he’s trying to scrub an image from them, “So, I ran and got them… but by the time we got back to the walls, it was starting to happen. He couldn’t stop yelling. He was so angry. Greg never… he was such a funny guy. He never got angry.”

She reaches her hand out, but he doesn’t reach back to take it, “Oh, Jesse, I’m so-”

“That was the last way his wife saw him. The last memory she’ll ever get to have of Greg. Of her husband. And Emma… Emma’s not going to have a dad. She’s not even going to ever get to know him.”

Tears stream down his face, and he sniffs, wiping his nose, trying to compose himself,

“One of the best guys I’ve ever known, and he was reduced to that. To an animal. To less than an animal.”

Jesse’s face is hard and distant and angry again, like it was when he came in,

“To fucking nothing.”

Dina pulls her hand back, resting it in her lap, and she looks down at it, saying softly,

“Jesse… there’s nothing anyone could have done.”

Jesse scoffs, the sound sharp and disdainful, as he stands walks passed her with Elijah, saying back over his shoulder,

“We both know that’s not true.”

\----------

Ellie doesn’t know how long she’s been out. It’s still very dark outside whenever it is she comes to.

She didn’t even mean to fall asleep. 

She had wanted to stay up, to wait. To be awake when Dina got back. 

But the sound of the heart monitor had lulled her off again, just like it had the night before.

Only this time when she wakes, Joel’s eyes, at least the one that isn’t swollen shut, are open too.

She can feel her heart skip in her chest, and she almost falls face first on the floor in her tired scramble to get out of the chair and over to him, tripping over her feet in the dark but ending by his side, leaning over him as his lip twitches into something resembling a smile.

Small drops of tears from her face onto the pillow his head rests on, and she doesn’t move to wipe her eyes, just smiling down at him as she whispers,

“Hey… hey, you’re awake.”

Joel’s mouth opens, and then he closes it again, clearing his throat and wetting his dry, cracked lips, before trying again, his voice coming out in a broken croak, “Hey… kiddo… you…”

“I’m here…”

“... look like shit.” 

Ellie lets out a strangled laugh, her whole body shaking, “Oh yeah? Well, you look better.”

Joel’s crooked smile deepns, and he swallows again, “Tha’... right?”

“Yeah,” she nods frantically, every word out of his mouth seeming like a miracle, “It’s a huge improvement.”

“A’right… smart alec… could I get… some water?”

“Yeah!”, she practically shouts, turning quickly to the pitcher next to his bed and pouring a glass, half of it spilling out onto the floor as her hands quake.

She tries to hand it to him, but as he reaches for it, his arm moves like he can’t control it, and his fingers don’t seem to grip around the glass.

“That’s okay”, she says quietly, putting a hand behind his head and gently bringing the glass to his lips, “that’s okay, I’ve got you.”

He takes a long sip, and sputters on it, some of it coming back down his cheek, and she’s about to start cursing and throwing out apologies, but he smiles up at her again, “Real dignified… thank you”

“You don’t have anything to thank me for”, she says, setting the glass down and coming back to his side.

He slowly shakes his head, even though it seems to hurt to do it, “You… saved my life…”

Ellie closes her eyes and looks away as more tears fall, “I shoulda been there sooner… I’m so sorry, Joel. I’m so-”

He arm limply comes up and his hand touches hers, resting heavily on hers, “You… don’t have… _anythin’..._ ta apologize for.”

Ellie bites down so hard on her lip she tastes the coppery tinge of blood, and she turns her hand over, taking his tight in her own, and she can only nod. 

Joel’s eyes start to get heavy, and it looks like he’s almost passed out again when she whispers to him,

“I’m gonna…”, she turns her head to the door, “I’m gonna go get Dr. Glieson, tell her you’re up, and that we need to put you down ag-”

Before she can finish, the door swings wide open and Tommy comes rushing in, Dr. Glieson close behind him, and he looks… he looks... Ellie doesn’t know. She doesn’t want to say.

She doesn’t want to admit he looks terrified.

“Tommy, whats going-”

“Ellie, c’mon,” Tommy motions to a gurney Dr. Glieson is pulling in behind her, her face almost as stricken as his, “Ya gotta help me move him.”

Ellie looks quickly between them and then down to Joel, “Are you fucking crazy? We can’t move him! He’s barely al-”

Tommy grabs her roughly, and looks deep into her face, and his expression is even more unnerving up close, “Ellie, we have ta. We have ta go, right now. _Right now.”_

Frozen still in his grasp, she can only look into his eyes and whisper, “Tommy, what’s going on.”

His hand still on her, like he’s using her to hold himself up, he drops his head and lets out a sharp breath, “Everyone… everyone knows.”

“Everyone knows what?”, her words come out so quiet even she can barely hear them. It was a useless question anyways. The way Tommy is acting, she already knows the answer.

Tommy looks backs up at her, “Everythin’.”

They rush through town, avoiding the main streets, taking the dark back roads. It’s hard to be quiet, to move fast, carry Joel between them, but they manage as best they can, staying out of sight. For how late it is, Ellie notices when they look down an intersection that there are more people out than there usually would be. 

A lot more people.

Tommy doesn’t lead them to one of the main gates. He leads them to the old access door, the one the kids use to sneak out of to get to the lake. Normally when she would come through, she would have to hide and wait for the patrols to clear, but she notices there are none here, now.

When he opens the door, Ellie is surprised to find a cart on the other side. It’s packed full of supplies, and there’s a spot in the back made for Joel to lie in. She’s even more surprised to see, hitched up next to Tommy’s horse Cordelia, is Shimmer. 

Tommy sees her looking at all of it, and says back to her, the first words shared between them since they left the hospital room, “Sorry, she was the only horse I could get out.”

Ellie doesn’t understand why he’s apologizing, “That’s… that’s okay.”

They load Joel into the back, his groans and murmurs low and painful.

Ellie looks back at Tommy, “Are you sure… maybe…?”

“You weren’t in there…” Tommy says, shaking his head, “you didn’t see their faces when that guy said what Joel did. He told quite a tale. Made it sound like the cure, the salvation of all humanity, was ready to go and Joel jus’-”

“That’s not what-”

“It doesn’t matter now. _They_ believe it”, he nods fervently when she starts to argue again, “They do. And then when he said all the Firefly’s were gonna come down on Jackson for what Joel done? People are gonna be scared, and scared people do terrible things, Ellie. _Terrible_ things. It’s not safe for him here anymore, especially not like this.”

Ellie looks over at Joel’s body, broken and bloodied in the cart, and she sighs. The enormity of it starts to fill her up and take her over. 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

But things never went that way.

Not for her.

She looks back at Tommy, gives him a sharp nod, and starts heading for the front of the cart, when he grabs her arm,

“What’re you doing?”

“I’m taking Joel-”

Tommy’s eyes go ablaze, “The hell you are!”

She shakes her arm loose, “Then what the fuck have we been talking about this whole time?”

“I’m goin’!” Tommy almost shouts, barely trying to keep his voice down.

“The hell _you_ are!” she fires back, shoving him with both arms.

“Ellie, I can’t… you don’t understand”, Tommy looks like he’s about to break in half, “That guy we caught… he knew who I was. They came here because of _me._ This is _my_ fault. I hafta do this.”

Ellie can feel the panic and rage building up inside of herself, “Tommy, I can’t leave him! I can’t! We’re only just… I can’t do that.”

Tommy grabs both her arms again, “Ellie… you’re still so young. You can have a life. You can find a way to have a life after this.”

“Tommy, you have a fucking wife! What about Maria!”

Tommy’s head dips, “She… I never told her about all… she’s never gonna trust me again. But she’ll understand this. She’ll understand.”

His eyes find hers as he looks up, and she knows he’s not going to let her go, “Please, Ellie. Let me do this for my brother.”

Ellie swallows roughly, her mind made up, her heart already trying to find a way to let go, “Okay… okay, Tommy.”

“Okay?” He asks, searching her face.

“Yeah… get going. There’s not much more time.”

Tommy lets go and takes a step back away from her, nodding slowly, before turning to walk to the cart.

As he does, she pulls her pistol from the back of her pants, and slams the corner of the grip into the back of his head as hard as she’s able, and doesn’t wait for him to even hit the ground before she’s rushing around up onto the cart, grabbing the reins.

Tommy struggles on his hands and knees in the snow, trying to crawl towards them, mumbling, “No.. no…”

She spares him one last look as she whips the reins, tears filling her eyes, and she calls back as the horses start to pull away, 

“We’ll get a place, outside of Dubois. Find us. Find us, Tommy.”

She can only hope he heard, was able to understand. She’s not sure she does herself.

She just remembers that Dr. Glieson had said there were the meds Joel needed in Dubois and that maybe, just maybe, she could get to them in time.

As the horses tear into the woods, onto the small path to the lake that she’ll use to whip around north and then to the east to get to Dubois, she tries not to think of everything she’s just done.

She tries not to think of Dina, away somewhere in Idaho, trying to save Joel’s life.

She tries not to think of Dina, coming back in the morning, to find her gone.

She tries not to think of Dina learning the truth, that Ellie had been lying to her for years. That Ellie could have saved everyone but didn’t.

Ellie simply tries not to think of Dina.

But as the snow kicks up around Shimmer and Cordelia’s hooves, the wind whips her face, and the lights of Jackson disappear behind her, Ellie fails.

Even with Joel’s life again in her hands, all she can think about is Dina.

And how she’ll never see her again.

\----------

The smell of smoke hangs heavy in the air, drifting into the rain as they run through the streets, Dina staying as close behind Ellie as she can. 

All around them ruined buildings smolder, blacked skeletons fuming into the uncaring night sky, their owners standing in the streets, watching them fall to cinders and ash.

Ellie doesn’t stop for any of them. 

She seems blind to it all.

Dina has no idea where it is they’re going. She can’t even tell what direction they're headed with the stars covered by the clouds, but Ellie certainly seems to know. She leads them quickly through the winding roads, until she stops suddenly, and Dina almost runs headlong into her back.

She’s about to ask what’s going on, until the wind clears a field of smoke in front of them that Ellie must have seen the other side of already, and Dina sees too what’s waiting behind it as it passes.

Maybe ten yards in front of them, near a large building close to the edge of town, sits Jesse on his horse as it trots forward. Trailing behind him, tethered between a rope tied to the saddle horn and his own wrists, comes stumbling a shell of a man that she thinks must be Joel.

Ellie seems frozen in place as Jesse comes nearer, and Dina comes up to her side just as Jesse seems to spot them, and he pulls his horse to a stop, his face going through a flurry of different emotions, before landing on something between sorrow and happiness, and he says in awe,

“Ellie?”

To Dina’s surprise, Ellie doesn’t scream, or raise her gun, she just takes a few steps forward, and she thinks there's tears in her voice when she responds,

“Hey Jesse.”

Dina stands where she is, watching the two of them, as Ellie continues to take small steps towards Jesse, who seems to be ignoring Dina entirely, 

“I… it’s…”

Jesse gives her a sad smile, “It’s good to see you.”

Ellie lets out a soft laugh, “Yeah. Yeah, it’s really fucking good to see you too.”

Looking closer, Dina can see that Jesse’s hand is gripping his handgun, and her pulse picks up. She starts to slowly move forward as well, close behind Ellie.

“Your mullet looks better than ever”, Ellie says, still walking towards him.

Jesse lets out a full throated laugh, “Oh, fuck you. You’ve always looked like shit.”

Dina can see Ellie smile, but also that her eyes are flicking between Jesse’s gun hand and Joel.

Jesse tilts his head, still barely seeming to notice Dina is even there, only looking at Ellie, and he lets out a sigh,

“I’m really sorry this is how we’re seeing each other again, after so long…”

Ellie shakes her head, her voice low, “It doesn’t have to be like this. Nothing has to-”

“Yeah”, Jesse says, nodding sadly, “Yeah it does. He has to answer for what’s done.”

As he says it, he yanks hard on the rope, and Joel comes tripping forward, running into the back of Jesse’s horse, and Dina can see there must have been at least a bit of a struggle between them. A small bit of blood leaks down the side of Joel’s face, and he looks haggard. 

Dina can see Ellie’s whole body tense, and her hand that’s holding her gun twitching, her eyes flaring, but Ellie’s voice stays measure,

“Jesse… he’s paid… trust me… he’s paid for what he did-”

Jesse’s gun suddenly whips around and points at Joel’s head, and Dina lurches forward helplessly, “How?! How can he ever pay for it? Every life, Ellie! Every single one is on him! How can he ever pay those back?”

“Jesse”, Dina finally finds her voice, but it’s weak and small and she’s not even sure it reaches him, “Please don’t do this… he was just trying to-”

“How can you defend him?”, Jesse spits at her, but keeping his eyes on Ellie, “Our son is going to live in fear his entire life! This whole fucked up world is going to spend every single day trying to eat him alive, because of this son of a bitch!” 

Dina falls silent at the mention of their son, and she can only watch as Ellie’s thumb comes up to the hammer of the revolver in her hand.

“Please,” Ellie pleads, her eyes moving off of Jesse onto Joel, who stands stoic and silent, “He did it to save me. It was going to kill me to make the cure. I don’t know what that Firefly said all those years ago, but please… believe me. He did it to save me and he’s…he’s my da-”

The word falls off, like Ellie can’t finish it, but Dina watches her struggle to finish, “... please don’t take him from me.”

Dina looks back up at Jesse, and risks moving towards him again. From closer she can see his hand is shaking, and though she can’t see the tears in the rain, it looks like he’s crying, 

“Jesse… wouldn’t you have done the same if it were Elijah?”

Jesse finally looks down at her, and as he does, his arm falls to his side, and his shoulders shake. He pulls the knot on the saddle horn, and the rope falls loose onto the ground, and Dina rushes past him over to Joel, and quickly undoes his bindings. 

Joel watches her silently as she does, and when she’s finished, he reaches into his pocket, pulls something out, and slips it into her hand. 

When she looks down at it, and starts to open her mouth to ask, he shakes his head almost imperceptibly at her, a pleading look in his eye as Ellie closes the distance too. 

She quickly shoves the paper into her pocket as Ellie reaches them, and she slams into Joel, embracing him, almost taking him off of his feet. 

Dina looks back up at Jesse, and he’s looking down at her as well, and she wants to smile, to let him know she thinks he did the right thing, but he’s looking at her with such sadness, such disappointment, that all she can do is look away.

Jesse’s voice cuts through the rain, “I told the watch where I was going when I left. I didn’t tell them why, but… whatever rumor Dina heard, eventually someone else will hear it too, put two and two together. Especially with Dina having left out of the blue. Everyone knows what she’s been after for the last five years.”

Ellie breaks away from Joel and looks up at Jesse, giving him a curt nod, “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me. Just… I don’t know. The next people who find him might not have kids. Or they might have already lost theirs. Keep that in mind.”

Ellie gives him another nod, looking like she’s considering what he’s saying, before her eyes find Dina’s, and Dina starts to realize what’s happening.

“No,” she begs, stepping forward, grabbing Ellie’s jacket, “No, you don’t have to-”

“We do”, Ellie says, her hands coming up over the back of Dina’s, and her grasp is wet and cold.

“No, you can stay here. No one will know!”

“Dina…”, Ellie sighs, “You already found us once, and it’s like Jesse said, it’s only a matter of-”

“Then tell me where”, Dina urges, “Tell me where you’re going, and I’ll find you again!”

Ellie closes her eyes, and Dina presses her forehead against hers, pulling her close, whispering, “Please…”

“I can’t…”, Ellie whispers back.

Dina can feel her new world shattering around her with every word, just as quickly as she found it.

“If you try to find us again… people will know. They might follow you this time. It’s not… I can-”

Before she can finish, Dina presses into her, covering Ellie’s lips with her own, eating up the words, willing them not to be true, knowing that they are. That this is truly it.

After they part this time, they’ll really never see each other again.

When Ellie tries to pull away, Dina showers more kisses on her, just to feel her skin under her lips one last time, to remember the taste. 

As Dina opens her eyes, she finds Ellie staring back, and she wants to be lost in those eyes, in this moment forever rather than give it up, rather than give Ellie up again, but then Ellie closes her eyes and looks away, and that moment is lost to her too.

When Ellie steps back, Dina’s whole body starts to seize and panic, and the only thing she can think to do is to pull and tear at the bracelet on her wrist, and push it forward, offering it up wordlessly, like it’s a piece of herself. 

Ellie looks down at it, and slowly takes it from her hand, whispering, “Dina… I can’t take this.”

And Dina whispers back, “You have to.”

She watches Ellie unlatch the small metal clasp, and hook it back around her wrist, and though it should feel strange and foreign seeing it on someone other than herself after wearing it for almost thirteen years, it looks like it’s right where it’s supposed to be, against the the dark lines of the fern and Ellie’s pale skin.

Ellie looks back up into her eyes one last time, and before Dina can say anything else, Ellie turns, putting Joel’s arm around her shoulder, and they hurry off, heading into a nearby building that must be a stable, because moments later, they come riding out on a horse, Joel behind Ellie in the saddle.

Dina runs forward for a moment, leaving Jesse behind her, but almost as soon as she can take a handful of steps, the wind blows another wall of smoke in front of her, breaking her view down the road, obscuring her sight.

And when it’s gone, Ellie is too.

\----------

The rain hammers down from the angry sky, heavy and cold, wetting her hair down thick against her face, slicking her hands where she holds the reins, her feet slipping in the stirrups. 

She can feel it soaking through her clothes, invading her, chilling every inch of her. 

The cold is in her heart and in her bones.

Even Joel’s chest against her back doesn’t feel warm, and she knows that they’re close to the cabin and that he’s not injured too badly, but she still tugs hard on the bit when they make the bend just outside of town, and turns in the saddle to check him anyway. She gingerly moves his head, wincing at the blood that trickles down his face in a rain-thinned stream, and she gently folds aside his hair to check the wound.

“It’s fine, I’m a’right-”

“Shut up, just shut up,” Ellie chokes out as she flicks open her knife, using it to cut a strip from the edge of her shirt that she balls up and shoves into his hand, “Hold this against it.”

“Ellie, I’m so-”, he tries to start again as he presses the wet wad of fabric to his forehead.

“It’s okay,” she says, trying to smile but not able to make her lips do it, “It’s okay… I’m just happy you’re safe.”

She thinks she hears him mumble more apologies as she turns around, but it’s lost under the sound of thunder cracking in the sky. She puts her heels into Shimmer’s side and they speed off back down the trail, not another word shared between them.

As they come to the end of the short path to the cabin, a new sound, hidden before in the storm, makes Ellie pull back hard on Shimmer’s reins, and she hands them to Joel, slowly and quietly lowering herself down off the saddle. They share a quick glance between each other as Joel shifts forward into her spot, guiding Shimmer back a bit along the path, while Ellie hunches low, drawing her revolver from the back of her pants, and she heads towards their home and the sound of screams.

The gate of the fence hangs open on its hinges, swaying heavily in the wind, and Ellie ghosts inside of it. She stoops down into the tall grass and waits, scanning the area. It’s dark, but not pitch black, and the whole area is lit up every few seconds by bursts of lightning. In the windows of the cabin she can see the flickering of lamp light, but the door is closed and there’s no other shadows or movement, and the noise had sounded like it came from outside anyway. She suspects maybe a Runner had made its way into the grounds. It’s never happened before, but it was only a matter of time. 

As she creeps as close to the ground as she can, trying to get a better look at the chicken coop, to see if the Runner had broken in there and was tearing into their stock, she hears the scream again. The sound is horrific and loud and almost human, but not like any Infected she’s ever heard. It’s coming from close to her, along the fence, in the southeast corner.

Ellie’s eyebrows knit together, and she stays still, stuck to where she is for another moment, until she hears it again. She finds herself standing up in the grass, abandoning stealth, and walking slowly over to the hole she had tied up the night before, her gun loose in her fingers at her side.

When she gets there, the sound pierces the air again, the noise deafening, and she can’t believe it’s coming from the creature she’s seeing in front of her. Thrashing on the ground, half inside the fence and half out, one of it’s back legs caught and tangled in the broken wire while trying to make the safety of the woods, is a fox. 

As it sees her approach, it’s whole body freezes, still as stone except for the rapid rise and fall of it’s chest, it’s golden eyes locked on Ellie’s. It’s thick red fur is matted in deep crimson around the wire, and a puddle of blood mixes with the rain underneath it, streaming around it’s feet.

And Ellie can’t explain it. 

It’s just an animal. 

She’s trapped animals. She’s hunted and killed dozens, maybe hundreds by now. 

And… and the people. 

She’s killed so many people. 

She… she can’t explain it. 

But her chest constricts around her heart and her eyes sting through fresh tears as she looks down at it.

She kneels as slowly as she can, and carefully reaches forward to try to undo the wire around it’s leg, but as she does, it panics and lets out another series of screams and barks, frantically looking between her and off at something in the woods. Ellie helplessly pulls her hand back, and she fights the sobs wracking her body, trying desperately to wipe the tears and the rain from her eyes, but just finding more there each time she clears them.

As the fox struggles, twisting in the metal binding it, Ellie can see the wound more clearly, and it makes her stomach churn at the sight. 

It must have been trapped for a while. 

It must have gotten desperate. 

It must have tried to free itself, because it’s chewed through its own leg, down to the bone, exposing the gleaming white underneath, and seeing that, Ellie knows she can’t help it. She can’t save it.

She stands as calmly and slowly as she’s able, forcing her legs steady as they try to buckle beneath her, her whole body shivering, and the fox stills again, it’s eyes following her every movement. 

“I’m sorry”, she tries to whisper, but her voice splinters and is lost in the rain.

Taking in a sharp breath, she brings up her arm, trying her best to level the revolver with a shaky hand. As she pulls back the hammer, another cry cuts through the dark from beyond the fence, close to the pines. Ellie’s eyes shoot out to the treeline and find another fox, standing at the edge of the clearing, watching them both. The one caught in the wire lets out a soft whine, looking away from her towards it, and her hand falls back down again.

The air sticks in her throat and her pulse thunders in her ears as she watches the two of them.

The fox near the woods taking a few tentative steps forward, returning the low whine.

The one trapped at her feet pawing uselessly at the mud. 

She looks frantically over at the gate, it’s hinges creaking as it hangs open. Why hadn’t this stupid fucking thing just left through there? It was right there. It was wide open. It could have left. 

It could have been free. 

Why didn’t it go?

Why didn’t it just go?

She slowly looks back down at it as it struggles to free itself from the tangle of loose metal, never looking away from its mate, it’s head pressed hard against the ground as it pulls, it’s lips curled up, it’s teeth clenched tight together. 

It barely gains an inch but it never stops.

Whimpering, barking, straining, fighting against the fence with its entire body. 

Tearing itself apart.

But it’s not enough. 

Once it came in here, it was already done.

It’s never going to be free again.

Ellie quickly aims and then closes her eyes as a different kind of thunder echoes through the clearing.

When she opens them again, the fox lies still, the other one disappearing off into the trees.

Her hand falls to her side, the pistol dangling loose in her grip before dropping into the wet grass as her body convulses, and she takes a step forward, linking her fingers into the slick metal of the fence.

She desperately peers out into the yawning black of the woods, hoping to catch sight of a pair of golden eyes glinting back at her in each flash of lightning.

But there’s nothing.

Only the empty dark.

She hears Shimmer trotting down the path behind her, but she doesn’t bother to turn around to see Joel, to reassure him that everything is fine as he goes to the stable.

She only walks back to the open gate.

And latches it shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey remember when I was going to experiment with shorter chapters in this fic?
> 
> Hahaha... making plans sure is a good way to hear god laugh, huh?
> 
> This one clocked in at just shy of 11,000 words. I hope you're all here for it, because I think every scene had purpose. Hopefully you all did too.
> 
> Thank you all again for reading and sticking with it! It means so much to see you all coming and commenting.


	13. No One Loves the Birds That Don't Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See end notes for update.

She isn’t sure why it hits now, but it does.

She hasn’t thought of it in a long time… a long, long time. Not on purpose anyway.

At one point it had been such a good memory. One of her best. She welcomed any faint reminder of it, any small chance to relive it.

That was before. Before she knew. Before everything had been ruined, and every little piece of their time together had become twisted and tainted, never able to be seen the same way again.

Even after that though, sometimes it had slipped into her head, unbidden, during those years when she would have preferred to imagine they had never been close. When she would have preferred to think a memory like this couldn’t have been made at all. That one like it couldn’t stick with her.

And here it was again, playing back in her mind, over and over.

It made her smile now every bit as much as it made her want to cry.

She doesn’t even think of the same parts now that she normally does.

Usually, when the trip came to her, it was the smell of campfire and the metallic twang of guitar strings on a three day ride, just the two of them.

It was the empty pitted feeling as her stomach rose into her chest and the exhilaration she felt as she leapt from the head of an ancient predator. 

It was the ache in her cheeks as her smile nearly split her face open when she realized how much one of the skeletons reminded her of a giraffe, and how it only grew wider when Joel tossed the hat on it, finally playing along.

It was sitting in a capsule, her eyes closed, her body leaving the planet, her heart already in orbit.

It was seeing the Firefly symbol, dashed in red across the wall, and being brought so suddenly back down to Earth.

At first, the ride back home had been decidedly more somber than the ride to the museum had been. It was like a dark storm had rolled in over the area, and they didn’t feel comfortable, didn’t feel safe until they were outside of its shadow. Not even enough to speak.

They just rode in silence. She remembers Joel just occasionally turning around on his horse and glancing at her, before turning back to the trail. 

But then on the first night, when Joel was sitting against a log, strumming away some lonely tune on her guitar, she had put her headphones back in, closed her eyes, and listened to the countdown again. It wasn’t quite the same as the first time, but as she lay on the ground, with the sound of the ignition in her ears, the world still fell away from her back, and she still found a smile creeping across her lips. 

When she opened her eyes again, Joel wasn’t looking at her, but he was smiling too.

By the time they had returned to Jackson, it was late afternoon, and Joel was complaining about his body aching and how he just wanted to take a nap, but she pushed and pushed, and eventually, he relented. They asked around, and it only took two stops to find someone who had the movie he had told her about on the trip.

After dinner, they went into his living room, and Ellie sprawled out across the couch, Joel sat down in his big leather chair, and they started the dvd.

And that’s all Ellie can remember of it, is starting.

The next thing she remembered was a feeling of weightlessness. 

Of her head resting against a steady chest. 

Of two strong arms carrying her out into the cool summer night air, and back inside again, before laying her gently down onto her own bed, and sleep finding her again.

And _that’s_ the part she thinks of now.

Of Joel carrying her.

Now, as she stands a few feet away from the bed that he’s laid out in, with this Karlson man hovering over him, listening to his heartbeat, changing his bandages, checking his wounds, opening the lids of his eyes and looking into them, she feels ridiculous for thinking of that.

How can she think of that now?

It wasn’t like it was even something they had ever done normally. 

She can’t remember Joel ever picking her up, besides that one time. 

For fucks sake, she isn’t a child. She wasn’t even when they met.

And it isn’t like he’s her… her…

Her eyes fall over the ruined mess of his face. The empty space where his leg used to be. The cast on his arm and his gnarled, broken fingers.

He had only carried her once.

She fights to keep her breath even as she realizes he never will again.

She watches as Karlson puts his hand against Joel’s forehead, and shakes his head, blowing out his cheeks. He pulls a few items from his bag, and she can’t tell what he’s doing, the sight blocked by his body, but she thinks he injects Joel with another dose of whatever he’s been medicating him with for the past couple days since they arrived. 

He drops the unseen things back in his bag, then looks up at her, his face unreadable, and he walks from the bed over to her where she stands, rapidly tapping her foot, chewing on her lip hard enough to draw blood.

“Well,” he says, wiping his hands on the front of his pants, shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t know. I think he’ll live. Not really sure.”

Her eyebrows knit together as her eyes dart between him and Joel, “What do you mean you don’t know? How the fuck-”

Karlson simply shrugs again, “I mean I don’t know. His fever’s down from when you came, not as much as I’d like to see, but I guess anything is something. I really don’t know what to tell you, we’re not a big operation around here. Save that anger for whoever hit your pop with a truck.”

“He’s n-”, Ellie starts but stops herself, remembering their cover, “Just… alright. Alright… thanks.”

She thrusts out a hand, and he reluctantly takes it. They shake awkwardly, and Ellie is ready for him to be gone, so she can go back to sitting next to Joel. Reading to him. Waiting for him to wake up in peace. Especially now that there’s at least some hope that he’ll be okay.

“Mmhmm… listen,” he says quietly, “It’s been a few days. I’m gonna have to ask for more payment if you plan to stick around in my house any longer.”

Ellie absentmindedly nods, “That’s fine… that’s fine. We have plenty of credits.”

Tommy had loaded the cart they had come in with supplies enough to last them weeks, and a small box full of enough credits to last someone living in Jackson for years. She had quickly found out that here in Dubois, those credits went considerably less far, but with the frequent trade between the two settlements, at least they weren’t worth nothing. 

Still, she figured they were eventually going to have to start trading away things they’d rather not.

Karlson nodded, “Well… good, you’re gonna need them. He’s likely gonna be needing this medicine for a long time. Maybe the rest of his life. And I can’t just be giving it away.”

Glieson had told that was a possibility if they had started them too late. It was still a punch in the chest to hear it again.

“Alright,” she says, her voice small, “We can handle that… and we’ll be out of your hair soon. I found a cabin outside of town. We’ll go there.”

He raises an eyebrow, “Outside of town? I gotta tell you, that’s not the best idea. The shape your pop’s in-”

“He’ll be back up in no time,” Ellie says it like a promise, “You’ll see.”

She turns back to Karlson, her face resolute,

“You’ll see.”

A low, rough cough from the bed draws both their attention, and Ellie looks over to see Joel slowly opening his eyes, dimly looking around the room.

She leans over to Karlson, “Can you give us-”

He’s already heading for the door, “Yep.”

She waits for the door to close before rushing over to the bedside, kneeling down next to it, and gently taking Joel’s hand in both of hers. It still feels incredibly warm, but not nearly as hot as it had before. Not like he was on fire.

His tired eyes find her, and she smiles at him, whispering, “Hey... good to see you again.”

Through all the bandages on his face, his expression looks confused, “Did I go somewhere?”

“I dunno… kind of seemed like you might for a bit.”

“How...”, his words are broken by a raspy yawn, “How long have I been out this time?”

Ellie sighs, “Uh… since the last time we talked, you’ve been in out, mostly out, for about five days.”

Joel offers a small nod, “I had… I had the strangest dream. Like… like we was campin’. Felt so real…”

Her head drops, and she looks aways, clearing her throat, “Joel…”

“Where are we, anyway?” 

“Joel-”

“This someone’s house?”

She pulls in a deep breath, “We’re… we’re in Dubois.”

He lets out a chuckle that turns into a cough, “The hell’re we doing in Dubois?”

“We had to…”, the words stuck in her throat as she tries to tell it, all of it too fresh, “... we had to leave Jackson.”

“But… why?”

Ellie lets go of his hand and rubs at both her eyes, “Because… Joel, the people who came after you were Fireflies. From the hospital. They knew everything. One of them… we brought one of them back, and he told _everything._ Now everyone knows and-”

Joel starts to try to sit up, wincing, and she leans forward, worry painting her face, “Hey, hey don’t do that, it’s alright-”

“Why did _you_ have to leave?” he says, his voice louder and clearer than it's been since he woke up.

She sits back on her heels, trying to understand, “What do you mean, why did I have to leave? Did you not hear what I just said?”

Joel’s eyes burn into her, “I heard you fine. Doesn’t answer my question.”

“I had to get you here.”

“Where’s Tommy?”

Ellie stands and pulls one of the chairs in the room over, sitting down heavily in it, “He’s… I left him in Jackson.”

Joel lies his head back down and shuts his eyes, “Ellie…”

She rests her chin on her hands, her elbows on her knees, “He’ll make his way here eventually. I told him where we were going.”

He opens his eyes again and looks back over at her, hopeful, “And then you’ll go back?”

“I’m not going to...,” she shakes her head, leaning back in the chair, “Joel… I’m staying right here.”

“El-”

 _“Joel”,_ she condescends, “I’m not going anywhere. And you’re not really in any position to argue with me.”

They lock eyes for a moment, before both looking away and slumping back into their spots, falling silent. After a few long moments, Joel lets out a long breath through his nose, and asks, 

“Why Dubois?”

Ellie shrugs, “Uh… Dr. Glieson said there was medicine here you needed, and it was the closest place… I didn’t know where else to go.”

“The guy who was in here…”

“Karlson… I’m not sure he was ever a doctor. He doesn’t act like it at least. But he’s taken good care of you. Hasn’t asked any questions, so… that’s good at least.”

Joel coughs again, “So he doesn’t-”

“No,” Ellie says quickly, “No, he doesn’t know anything. I told him we were traders, that you got attacked on our way to Jackson and that they ran out of meds so we came here. He doesn’t even know our real names. You’re ‘Curtis’, by the way.”

She looks down at her hands as she pulls at a thread on her sleeve, “He, uh… he thinks you’re my dad.”

When she looks back up at him, Joel has a small, sad smile on his face, and he gives her a few small nods before clearing his throat, “Uh… hmm... Curtis… like-”

“Yeah, the movie just came to me.”

“I like it… good strong name. That make you Viper?”

“Um…”, she starts, tonguing the inside of her lip, “I… uh… I told him my name is Tess.”

Joel pulls his head back when she says it, and he just stares at her.

She shrugs again, “I don’t know, it just popped into my head when he asked. I didn’t even-”

“It’s fine”, Joel cuts in, “whatever works.”

She’s about to try to explain herself more when he turns his face away from her, and quietly says,

“It’s just a name.”

\----------

The sun beats down from the sky, unbroken by clouds, and she can practically see the water from the early rain coming up out of the ground, into the air, making everything sticky and moist.

God, she fucking hated that.

It didn’t usually get humid here, but it never got humid back in New Mexico. For all of her bad memories there, at least there was that.

She could barely stand the feel of it, like the air itself was oppressive and wet. She could feel her clothes sticking to her, her hair frizzing out everywhere, sweat dripping down her forehead and pooling in her armpits.

Of course it was on a day scheduled for group patrol too.

Nothing better than going out for a walk through dense terrain, a heavy pack and rifle on her back, swimming through the fucking air, sweating her ass off. 

It didn’t make it any better that it didn’t seem to bother Ellie much at all.

She just walked along happily next to her, her hair plastered to her face. She looks like she might start whistling or singing or something.

God, it made Dina want to scream.

How could anyone be this happy in this weather?

Even worse, Ellie doesn’t even seem to notice how miserable it’s making her. And that’s the last straw.

“What are you so chipper about?” Dina spits out, like the words are biting her.

Ellie looks over at her, confused, “What do you mean?”

“You look so… happy”

“Do I not usually look happy?”

Dina raises both her eyebrows, “Is that a… serious question?”

Ellie chuckles, “Fuck you.”

“Because usually you look more like-”, Dina puts on an over exaggerated frown, drooping her eyes as much as she can as well.

“Fuck _you!_ I do not look like a sad clown!”, Ellie laughs, reaching over and slapping her arm.

Dina snaps her fingers, “A ‘sad clown’. You know, I’ve been trying to put my finger on-”

“Again, fuck-”

“I was really stuck on ‘a really depressed puppet’ for a bit, but-”

“Wow-”

“Really, ‘sad clown’ fits like a fucking t-”

“-Wow”. Ellie sucks in her lips, and nods.

Dina laughs to herself, “No really though, what are you so happy about?”

Ellie just shrugs, “I don’t know. I just like patrol.”

Dina stares at her blankly, “You like… _group_ patrol.”

Ellie nods, “Yeah.”

 _“Group_ patrol.”

“That’s what I said.” Ellie retorts, giving her side-eye.

Dina rolls hers in return, “No one _likes_ group patrol.”

“Well...” Ellie shrugs again, “...guess I’m the first, then.”

Someone calls out for the group to stop, and the whole line comes to a halt, but like always on this route, there was nothing. Group patrol was almost always more of a sweep after the paired patrols had been through, and there was never any action. Not that Dina minded, but it would be nice if something happened sometime.

As the group starts moving again, she looks back over at Ellie, and she can tell she’s trying to keep her face neutral, but a small hidden smile keeps turning up the corner of her lips.

Dina leans over and nudges her with her elbow, “What are you hiding?”

Ellie looks at her surprised, but a little too surprised, “Nothing! Why do I have to be hiding something?”

“Alright, you _definitely_ are hiding something.”

Ellie smirks, “You don’t know me.”

“Ellie _Williams,”_ Dina grins, “I fucking _know_ you.”

Ellie’s smile falters a little, and she looks over at Dina, “You won’t, like… I don’t know, fucking laugh at me or something?”

Dina pretends to consider it for a second, “I don’t think I can promise that.”

“You’re such a dick.”

“I can…” Dina smiles, “Promise to _try_ not to laugh. That work?”

“Shit, I guess it’ll fucking have to.” she says, beckoning Dina closer.

Dina trails over to her as they walk, and Ellie leans in, saying quietly, “I… I think Cat likes me.”

The words slip in and out of Dina like she barely hears them, barely understands them, and she leans away while Ellie gives her a big stupid toothy smile.

Cat?

Why would Ellie care if Cat likes her?

Who cares about Cat?

“What do you mean?” Dina asks dumbly.

“I mean… I…”, Ellie looks at her strangely, “I don’t understand the question.”

“I mean, what do you mean Cat likes you?”

“Like… I think she’s… I don’t know, I think she’s like… into me.” Ellie says, her cheeks reddening, and the sight just confuses Dina more.

Dina walks quietly for several yards, trying to take it in, to understand it. Coming up short.

“Why?” she finally asks.

Ellie pulls back a little, like the question stings, “What do _you_ mean?”

“Why do you think she likes you?”

“I don’t… am I not fucking _likable?_ How should I know why?”

“No, I didn’t,” Dina stutters, “You’re awesome. You’re the fucking best. I just meant… fuck, I don’t know. What has she _done_ that makes you think that, I guess?”

Ellie looks her over, “I don’t know, she’s just always… She’s always really sweet to me. And she touches my arm a lot when she doesn’t have to, like just when we’re talking. And she’s going to do this tattoo on me… and… I don’t know… she just… she smiles at me.”

Dina thinks for a second, saying almost to herself, not even realizing it’s out loud, “I smile at you.”

“It’s totally different,” Ellie says, blowing past it, “She just… I don’t know.”

Dina swallows and asks, “Well… are you into her?”

“No… I don’t know. I don’t think so…”

Dina nods. That makes sense.

“... I mean, maybe.”

That makes less sense. 

Ellie hasn’t shown any interest in anyone in the time she’s been here in Jackson. She’s just spent all of her time hanging out with Dina.

Dina’s loved that, having her all to herself. 

It’s hard to imagine sharing Ellie with anyone now.

Eventually, they get to a small outcropping of rocks, the same path they always follow out on this patrol. It would have been smart for someone to bring a ladder or something for this part, but no one ever had, so they always had to boost each other up to get over.

It’s been awhile since she’s done this particular patrol with Ellie, but she just wordlessly takes up position at the base of the rocks, placing her hands on her legs. Ellie anchors her foot in her hand, and Dina huffs as she pushes her up the face of it.

Once she’s up, Ellie turns around and offers her hand down, and Dina jumps up to take it, preparing herself for the embarrassing scramble up the rocks.

But Ellie pulls and she comes easily up over the edge.

And for just a moment, Dina can’t take her eyes off of the taut cords of muscle flexing in Ellie’s forearm as she pulls her over.

As they stand together on top of the other side, Ellie has to look down at where Dina is still holding her hand before Dina lets go.

Ellie gives her a slightly confused smile, and continues on the path, leaving Dina standing there, her breath a little faster than it was before, watching her go.

Maybe it wasn’t so strange that someone was after Ellie.

Maybe it wasn’t so strange that Ellie liked them too.

Maybe it was strange that Dina had never noticed.

She suddenly feels like there’s a lot she’s never noticed.

\----------

As she slides the bolt heavily into the cylinder, the whole mechanism rattles on the gate side, before coming cleanly away from the wood. The plate hangs from the screws still clutching weakly into the fence, loose in the air, and the gate lazily drifts open away from the broken lock. 

Ellie lets out a rough breath, her eyes burning, her body on the verge of inescapable collapse, and she wants to just allow it. To fall apart as thoroughly as everything else around her has, but she can’t. 

She doesn’t get to.

The gate comes to a slow stop against the tip of her foot, and she stares at it, her head lowered, the sky pouring down on top of her, cold and relentless. Rivulets stream down either side of her face, into her eyes, over her nose, connecting together on her chin before dripping down to the ground, and she watches them fall, taking her tears with them, disappearing into the grass with the rest of the rain.

Even through the deep chill running through her entire body, some distant part of herself can still remember what everything had felt like. 

What _she_ felt like.

How it felt to have their bodies against each other and their lips together and her voice in her ear, setting her heart and the tips of every nerve on fire.

How it felt to be _warm_ again.

And all she wants to do is forget.

Her hand comes up hard against the post, next to the lock, the heel of her palm slamming into the wet, rough wood. Her jaw clenches on contact, the force knocking her teeth together, and the shock vibrates down along her arm while the post shakes from the blow.

But she doesn’t feel a thing.

So she hits it again.

And again. 

And again.

And again.

And again.

Over and over and over. 

The whole length of her arm goes shaky and numb and she keeps hitting.

Until the post is tilting in it’s foundation under the force of her hand. Little by little, degree by degree.

Until the sound of the metal wire of the fence thrumming from the impacts can be heard over the thunder crashing through the clouds after lightning cuts the sky. 

Until neither can be heard over the sound of her own broken voice, screaming helplessly as her throat goes raw and her lungs give out.

Until she feels a piece of it snap, and bury deep into her calloused skin.

She doesn’t even remember flinching.

She just slowly turns her hand around, and finds an angry, gnarled wedge of the post sticking out of her at a downward angle, towards her wrist. Sunken in enough to snap her out of the assault, but not enough to bring her back to herself.

Ellie blinks as she grabs it with her other hand and pulls it from her palm, one red inch after another. She drops it at her feet and watches the blood start to rhythmically pump out at the speed of her pulse, before it mixes and thins with the rain, running down into her sleeve.

She stands there watching herself bleed for a few long moments before tearing another scrap of her shirt off at the same place she had earlier for Joel, and wrapping it around her hand, tying it off with her teeth. 

With no way to secure it, she turns away from the gate with one last look, and leaves it swaying in the wind, open and broken.

When she steps into the cabin, Joel is waiting for her like a statue, leaning against the back of the couch, his hands on his hips, his eyes fixed on the front door. The single lamp lit on the end table behind him casts long flickering shadows about the room, against the walls and the ceiling, and as Ellie looks around she notices the disarray the place is in. 

Stacks of books scattered across the floor. The rug crumpled and flipped at the corners. The coffee table knocked on its side.

She stands there in the entryway, water dripping off of her from every corner of her clothes and the tips of her fingers, and she can’t meet his gaze. 

She shrugs her jacket off of her shoulders and lets it fall into a soaking heap on the floor, and steps into the kitchen, grabbing a pair of logs from the cubby next to the oven, then rummages through one of the cabinets, retrieving a small bottle of alcohol and their meager first aid kit. 

Moving around into the living room, she tosses the logs onto the ash-blackened remains of the ones from the night before, and starts a fire, the glow slowly lighting up the room.

When she comes around the other side of the couch to Joel with the first kit aid, she can still feel his eyes fixed on her. She keeps her head down, scanning through the remains of the kit, and pulls out the small remnants of a square of gauze. 

She soaks the center in alcohol and looks up at him, moving his face to the side so he can’t look at her anymore, bringing the gauze up to his wound, “Hold this. It’s gonna sting.”

Joel brings his hand up and holds it in place, and she can see the muscles of his jaw tensing as he does, like he’s trying to work up to saying something. She quickly looks away again and goes back to digging in the kit, bringing out some tape, and tears a few pieces off, 

“The gate is broken.” She says matter of factly as she places the tape at the corners of the gauze, securing the edges down with her thumbs.

Joel lets out a sigh, and runs a hand along the greying hair on his face. 

Ellie closes the lid and stands next to him with her hands on the back of the couch, chewing on the inside of her cheek, saying flatly, “Guess if it was going to happen, now’s as good a time as any.”

“What’re ya doin’?” Joel breathes out, his voice quiet and low.

“I’m… I’m sorry”, she turns her head away, rubbing her chin on her shoulder, “I should have been here. I... got caught up in town.” 

She can feel his eyes boring into her, and she rambles on, trying to avoid what she knows he really means, “I heard this rumor, and I got into a stupid fight, then the fucking Absolutionist’s lit the whole fucking-”

“That aint...”, Joel huffs out another breath, like this whole endeavour is taxing him, and he shakes his head, “Ellie, that ain’t what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.”

She turns her head and they look at each other, Ellie finally meeting his eyes. The regret and sadness she finds in them only makes her own go colder, her face grow harder.

“Don’t.” she warns.

“Ellie…”

She can feel her jaw tightening, her face fighting to maintain composure, “What? _What?_ What do you want from me?”

“What do you want?” he challenges back.

Ellie scoffs, “Since when does _that_ fucking matter?”

Joel tilts his chin, blowing air out of his nose, “It matters a whole hell of a lot ta me. I think it probably matter’s a lot ta D-”

“No! _No!_ We don’t talk about her.” She holds her finger up in warning, her mouth tight, her teeth clenched, trying to hold herself in, _“You_ don’t talk about her. _Ever.”_

He just presses on, ignoring her, “Tha’ girl came here, after all this time, for you! I’m supposed ta just pretend like tha’ didn’t happen?”

“That’s what _I’m_ going to fucking do!” Ellie says, turning and walking a few steps away from him.

“Tha’ right?”, he shoots back.

She spins back around, her hands on her hips, nodding, looking off to the side, “Yeah, that’s right!”

Joel’s glares so intensely for a moment, she thinks he might start yelling. Or fuck, maybe hit her or something. She knows that would never happen, but she really can’t read him. She hasn’t seen him look this way in a long time, be this adamant in years. As he stares through her, she steps back on one heel reflexively, like she’s readying herself for a fight, her arms crossing in front of her chest.

He finally says, his tone low, “Or are ya jus’ gonna spend the _next_ five years wanderin’ around beatin’ the shit out of yourself too?”

Her eyes go wide and all of her rage comes boiling over, venting out of her all at once and she lunges forward, shoving him so hard he almost tumbles back over the couch, “Fuck _you! Fuck_ you! How can you say that to me? I can’t believe... We’re surviving aren’t we?!”

“ _‘Survivin’._ ” Joel chuckles dismissively, slowly righting himself, like the word is the funniest fucking thing he’s ever heard, “Fuckin… ‘survivin’.”

“Yeah, like _you_ fucking taught me to!” she spits back, her eyes filling with tears.

He shakes his head slowly, his voice full of disappointment, “Well... guess I shoulda taught you better.”

She can barely control herself, her voice coming out inbetween broken breaths, “Maybe you fucking should have!”

He looks back up at her and waves his hand around the room, like he’s presenting it, “Do you think… Do you think I don’t pay attention? You think I don’t see what being out here is doing ta you?”

“What does that even mean?” Ellie wipes savagely at her eyes as the tears stream down her face, “I’m fucking fine!” 

Joel comes forward and grabs her arms in both of his big hands, and she feels like a child again in his grasp. 

He searches her eyes as she tries to look anywhere but in his, and she can feel herself shattering under his heartbroken voice, “God damnit, Ellie, you’ve been walking around with a dead woman's name for five years like you were a fuckin’ ghost, and it kills me. Every time I hear someone say it like it’s you, it _kills_ me.”

She keeps looking away from him as he tries to find her eyes, his own wet and hazy, begging her to hear him through his gritted teeth, “Is that what you really think? That you’re already dead? Cause you’re _not,_ god damnit.”

She finally looks back at his face, finding a pair of tears falling down his cheeks, “You’re fuckin’ not.

Ellie stares into his eyes, and though he lets go of her arms, he doesn’t look away from her. Not for a second. 

She breathes in deep, wipes her nose on her sleeve, and turns and heads to her bedroom. 

“Where’re you goin?” 

“I’m packing”, she says numbly, “You need to too.”

Joel collapses back against the couch, deflating, “Ellie-”

“You almost fucking died tonight!” she yells back to him as she grabs a pair of bags from her room, starting to shove clothes into it. “Jesse had a gun to your fucking head!”

She can hear Joel saying back in the living room, “That boy ain’t a murderer. He was gonna take me back to Jackson.” 

“And that would have been fucking better?!” She comes tearing back in holding the bags, her voice incredulous, finding him still leaning against the couch, his hand against his face, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

He sighs, and says quietly, “Maybe it woulda been.”

“Don’t you fucking say that!” She rushes towards him, throwing the bags on the floor at her feet, her voice splitting, “Don’t you fucking dare! Not after… Don’t ever say that.”

She stops a few steps away from him and he looks back up at her as she breathes heavily.

“They don’t get to decide… I already… They don’t get to decide.”

She turns around and heads back to the bags, picking them up and grabbing a couple random books from piles around her, just whatever is in arms reach, whether it’s really worth packing or not.

“Ellie, we’re not going anywhere tonight.” Joel says, walking over to her, placing a still hand on her shoulder.

“The hell we’re not”, she growls, shrugging off his hand, “You heard Jesse. He _told_ people. It’s only a matter of-”

“He told people where he was going,” Joel tries to reason, “That don’t mean there’s going ta be a fuckin’ search party sent out for us.”

Ellie shakes her head “It’s too risky to stay, we have to-.”

“We ain’t leavin’ like this,” Joel interjects, turning her around, “Tommy needs to know where we’re going at least.”

She scoffs, “We’ll leave him a note.”

Joel just scoffs right back at her, “And what if someone else finds it first? Daggum, girl, I thought you were the smart one.”

“Joel-”

He stands as straight as he’s able, squaring his shoulders, “Tha’ man has been there for us, putting his own safety and comfort at risk for ours for this long, we can’t just leave him out in the wind. Besides, he’s my brother, he wouldn’t do that ta me. I can’t do it ta him.”

Ellie taps her foot hard on the floorboards, the bag hanging in her hand, trying to find a way to argue, “But-”

“But nothin’. He’s due ta be back here in two weeks-”

“Joel, fucking two weeks?!” she throws her arms out, trying to convey how ridiculous that is, “You can’t be serious?!”

He just stands and nods, “I am. We wait for him. Then we leave.”

The way he looks at her, the tone in his voice, she knows it’s useless. He’s not going anywhere. She considers just knocking him the fuck out and dragging him onto the sled, but he’d already taken one head wound tonight. Who knows what another might do to him.

She drops the bag again, and lets out a frustrated sound from the back of her throat, and paces back in a tight circle for a moment before coming up close to face him again, 

“If there’s anything, I mean fucking any sign of anyone coming… we’re _gone._ I don’t give a fuck if it’s two weeks or an hour from now. We’re. _Gone.”_

They match glares for a long moment.

“Deal?” she says.

Joel looks away from her, “Deal.”

“Alright…”, she says, backing away to her room, leaving the bags on the floor where they lie, “Alright…”

As she turns to head in, she looks down and a glint on her arm catches her eye in the firelight. She had almost forgotten it was there.

She holds her hand up, bringing the bracelet closer to her face. She gently runs her thumb over the soft form of the three straps, until it reaches the small metal charm. Her fingers still on it, and as she breathes in, she can smell the wet leather, and she can swear in that moment she can still smell…

Ellie quickly unlatches the bracelet from her wrist and slams it down on a chest next to the door, her breath quickening and her eyes burning. She grabs the doorknob with a trembling hand and pushes it open.

Before she rushes into her room, she looks back, and Joel is watching her.

She swallows hard, and forces her face into stone before stepping in, and closes the door behind her.

\----------

Even with the chill in the thin air and the snow coating the ground, the meeting room of the church is sweltering. Get enough bodies dancing in one place and you’re sure to raise the temperature

She’s been sweating practically since she’d walked in the door. Her heart pounding, her eyes clear.

Tonight, she finally knows what she’s about.

The town buzzed for weeks whenever there was going to be a dance. Any sort of reprieve from the day to day mundanity that didn’t involve death was always welcome, and the mood in the room had been uptempo the entire evening. The music twangy and loud. Laughter coming easily. Kids playing games off around the edges like “Catch the Clicker”. 

They didn’t know how dangerous the world was.

The way things should be.

Among all these neighbors and friends allowing themselves to be happy, her spirits were high, but her hands were trembling. Shaking. Her nerves betraying her like they never had before. And everyone said she was the confident one.

 _“Well… just ‘cause you’ve made up your mind doesn’t mean your body isn’t getting ready to run the fuck out of here if this goes sideways”,_ she supposed to herself.

Fuck her nerves. This is happening.

Her hands keep trembling.

She dances along with the crowd. Waiting, hoping. She politely, even energetically accepts offers to dance with boys with those sly, confident _“I’ve got this”_ smiles. She’s always been the charitable type.

Even when she had been in a relationship all that time, there had been others practically bursting to let her know they were waiting in the wings for her to be single. It seems tonight they all thought _“This is it”._ This was their chance.

None of them knew though.

Her heart had been spoken for longer than even she’s known.

Tonight wasn’t going to be those boys' nights.

While dancing with one of the Thomas brothers, her breath hitches when she sees the one she’s been waiting for across the room. Aloof. Nursing a tumbler of whiskey. Hair barely cleaned. “Dressed up” in the same clothes worn all throughout the day. 

The most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.

She knows… she _knows_ it’s now or never when that song ends and their eyes meet, the music shifting into a slower number for the first time all night. She needs to remember to thank whoever is spinning the records. Good looking out for your girl.

They wrap close around each other on the dance floor. Close enough for people to take notice. Close enough for her not to care. Her skin tingles, coming alive where their bodies meet, even through the mess of her sweaty clothes.

She’s spent so long denying this, and now with the feel of those hands on her, she can’t for the life of her think of a single goddamn reason why.

She rushes to get the requisite verbal sparring out of the way.

 _“You idiot...”,_ she thinks to herself, fighting the urge to run her lips against the open span of inviting neck right in front of her, _“...we’re not here for that.”_

Not tonight.

Not after the long months… the _years_ of indecision.

Of second guessing.

Of being so close to something so beautiful and incandescent and _real_ that all she needed to do was reach out and touch it but never did.

Not tonight.

“I’m just a girl… not a threat”, the most dangerous thing she’s ever encountered mumbles out, without a hint of humor. She can almost taste the sadness dripping off those words.

She pulls away, so that Ellie can see the truth of what she has to say written large across her face, and reaches up to slowly tuck a loose strand of that red hair behind Ellie's ear.

The shift from lonely but accepted defeat to surprise and awe in Ellie’s eyes. The near reverence Ellie has for her but has never noticed is mirrored in her own eyes… they’re things she doesn’t think she’ll ever forget, in this life or the next.

“Oh Ellie… “, she breathes, resting her hand on the back of Ellie’s neck, pausing to drink in the experience, to make it last.

Every note of the song.

How the stringed up lights fill the room with that certain type of soft ambient glow.

Every freckle on Ellie’s face.

Every tiny shift in her expression.

The green of Ellie’s eyes, the color of the forest.

Of something wild, and trapped, and longing to be free.

An endless field of tall grass to get lost in forever.

Everything about Ellie in this moment, she knows then she needs to remember. She knows this was the kind of moment that changes everything.

She exhales the feeling she’s known but never been able to speak.

“...I think they should be terrified of you.”

Without hesitation or doubt, her lips are on Ellie’s, and the lights, the music, the oppressive, wet heat in the church room and everyone inside it are gone.

There’s only Ellie’s hair tangled between her fingertips.

Ellie’s arms, tightening around her waist, pulling her closer.

The warm taste of whiskey on Ellie’s tongue.

The unexpected softness of Ellie’s lips.

Ellie's lips.

Oh god, Ellie’s lips.

And finally when they break apart, that smile.

Ellie smiles at her in a way she swears could shatter her into a thousand pieces, a thousand times over, and each time she’ll happily pick up her remains and put herself back together if only it means she can see Ellie smile like that just one more time.

She wants more than anything to see Ellie smile like that one more time.

For a few moments in this world that could be so horribly cruel, the world that had taken her father and her mother and Talia from her, and so much from so many… it was just the two of them. Here together, and for these few moments that was all that mattered.

She knows then, with a certainty she’s never experienced before, that Ellie Williams is going to be the death of her.

Looking up at that damn smile, breathless, her heart in her throat, with their whole lives to come stretched out in front of them, Dina gets ok with that idea real quick.

But so quickly after that, the moment is stolen, and they’re pulled back into that hot church. Seth says something vile, and Joel charges him, and then before she knows it, Ellie is gone, running away somewhere after arguing with Joel about something Dina doesn’t understand. 

Dina stands alone in the church room for a few more moments, so many eyes on her, before following out the door that Ellie left from. The bracing, frigid air hits her face, and her breath blows out in front of her as she turns her head, looking down the dark streets, not finding what she’s looking for.

There are a few people loitering around outside. She recognizes Mike, Jesse’s partner for assignment tomorrow throwing his guts up, over away from the door. She doubts he’ll make it to patrol tomorrow, the way he sounds.

She wants to go find Ellie again. To track her down and hold her against a wall and kiss her again. To show her just how real this all is to her. 

How real Ellie is to her.

But there’s time now. Ellie smiled at her like that and that was enough for now.

Dina lies awake in bed picturing that smile, tracing her fingers along her lips, and she smiles too.

There’s time for so much more.

They just need to take it.

\----------

The late morning air is still crisp and cool when Ellie leaves the cabin, muttering that she’ll be back in a few hours. Joel looks up at her from whatever book he’s reading now and offers a “Goodbye, kiddo” from the couch, and she waves back over her shoulder as the door closes.

She loads up all of the extra supplies she can fit onto the already packed sled, and rides off with Shimmer trailing it behind her. Furs, lamps, extra tools they only needed around the house. Anything they weren’t going to be able to take with them. She needs to trade away as much as she can. 

They had traded the cart they had come in years ago, so they were going to need a new one, one small enough that Shimmer could pull it. She wasn’t a draft horse, anything too big and she’d get tired too quickly. They wouldn’t clear very much ground in a day. They’d traded Tommy’s horse too, during one desperate winter. Hopefully they’d have enough to get another horse now, as well as a bigger cart. Maybe Tommy will bring some extra credits when he comes and they can try trading for it then.

That was still a week off, and Ellie hasn’t been able to settle for a single day since that night.

She wants to think it was just her nerves about going back out on the road, relatively directionless. All they had decided on was that they would go farther east. Maybe head south a bit. There’d been talk that Kansas City was relatively safe. That was a long, long road though. Tommy wouldn’t be able to come to them like before if they settled there.

She knew the trip wouldn’t be like last time. Joel was in much better shape now. She wouldn’t have to worry that he was going to die before they ever found somewhere. They could manage it, get somewhere safely.

She knew the real reason was because every step was another one farther away from her. Another step she could never retread.

Every day was another one added to the counter.

In the long years since she had left Jackson, the time she kept track of had grown so large it had started to mean almost nothing. 

But now… now the numbers were small. 

8 days since she has last seen her.

That was easy to comprehend. That did mean something.

And it hurts so much, stabs so much deeper because of it.

But there was nothing that could be done about it. Joel needed her. She could only keep moving forward, letting the wound bleed, leaving a trail behind her that she can never look back at.

Finding her familiar spot, Ellie ties Shimmer to a tree, and rubs the side of the horse’s big head, before grabbing her bow and small quiver from the saddle, and heading deep into the woods.

The crunch of dry leaves under her feet makes it harder to be as quiet as she normally would, but she doesn't mind. She takes her time. Not really looking for tracks, her eyes up, looking at the sky through the branches of the trees high above her. 

It’s the last time she’ll be here. She hadn’t had the final chance to appreciate Jackson before she left. She doesn’t want to make that same mistake again. She wants to remember this place. At least she had found some peace out here, some calm.

That was worth remembering.

She spends an hour, maybe two, just wandering the trees, before she comes across the evidence of a deer. Some low snapped brush. The print of cloven-hooves in the dirt. It looks like it’s pretty good sized, which is lucky. A big haul will be good for trading.

It takes her a while before she finds it, nestled in a small clearing, it’s back to her, it’s head down. Ellie stays among the trees, moving silently around to get closer, to get an open shot on it’s flank. 

She takes a series of deep breaths, and slowly pulls an arrow from the quiver. The notch finds the sting as naturally as the air fills her lungs, and the only sound is birds chirping somewhere far off in the canopy and the soft creak of the bow being drawn back.

She steadies the point right over where she knows it’ll find the deer’s heart, and then raises her aim only slightly, to account for the distance.

Exhaling one last time, she’s about to loose it, when she notices a rustling of movement out of the corner of her eye, and she spins in her spot, bringing the bow to a sideways aim with her.

Off to the side, she can hear the deer running off over the sound of her own heavy breaths, but she doesn’t watch it go. She doesn’t take her eyes off of the fox in front of her.

It stands still, partially hidden maybe fifteen feet away in a patch of underbrush, and it stares back at her as she stares at it.

Ellie lets her bow drop to her side, the string going limp, and she slowly stands to her feet, taking a small step towards it.

As she does, the fox turns and leaps away into the woods before she can do anything else. She doesn’t even know what she was going to do.

She looks into the empty clearing where the deer was. 

And she doesn’t try to track it again.

She just sits down against a tree, and stays there for hours, rubbing her naked wrist.

In town, later, she haggles more harshly with all of their goods than she normally would. No point in being too polite anymore. She only needs one thing from these people, and only this one last time.

And she just doesn’t have it in her. Not anymore. 

She means to leave. To just ride back to the cabin and never come back here again.

She means to.

Instead she finds herself standing on a balcony, in front of a door, at the end of a row of identical doors, her hand hovering over the knob.

Her heart is screaming at her to open it, to walk in.

But she doesn’t.

That door is already closed.

She pulls her hand away, and leaves, and she doesn’t look back.

She rides slowly down the trail to the cabin, taking Shimmer at a walk. Not wanting to be where she is or where she’s going. Not wanting to be anywhere.

When she gets back, the gate has come open again. They had barely tried to fix it, just lashing it together with some thin rope they had on hand. She doesn’t even bother tying it back up now. 

After putting Shimmer in the stable, she heads inside and sets her bag down heavily at the front door, letting out a thankful sigh that Joel isn’t waiting for her on the couch again. She isn’t up for making any sort of conversation. 

As she heads to her room, she passes by Joel’s and finds the door open.

The room empty.

Her pulses picks up, and she turns around, scanning the living room again, knowing she won’t find him.

She rushes back out of the cabin and looks around, knowing too that he isn’t there. She would have seen him.

She looks at the dirt of the path leading from the gate to the door and finds it obscured except for her own prints. 

Her blood boils in her veins and her body shakes.

The open gate. The covered tracks. 

They found him. They fucking found him, and she wasn’t here.

She was off feeling sorry for herself instead of protecting him.

Ellie sprints back to the stable and mounts Shimmer in one smooth motion, and together they thunder out of the fence.

The people of Dubois have never seen her the way she comes to town. 

Wild eyed and furious.

Feral and desperate.

But it doesn’t matter how much she pries, how much she threatens. No one knows anything.

No one saw anything.

After she interrogates nearly everyone in town that she can think of, she rides Shimmer back to the cabin in a fury.

It’s only been a couple hours at most. 

She can catch up. She’s ridden the road to Jackson before. 

She just needs Joel to fight back. To make it hard on them. 

She’ll find them. 

And she’ll kill every last one of them.

Ellie doesn’t tie Shimmer up again at the cabin, she just barrels in and rushes into her room, slamming through her door and opening up her closet to find her rifle and the extra ammo she keeps in the box on the floor.

She grabs the gun from where it rests on a shelf above the rack, and kneels down to the box, throwing the top off and her whole body snaps to a complete stop.

And she stares down at what shouldn’t be there.

\----------

The door hangs open on it’s hinges, coming to a stop against something before hitting the wall inside, and Dina stares in.

And the space looks the same as it always has. Just the same, but somehow so much less. Somehow so much more empty. 

It’s missing the only part that ever mattered now.

She stands outside with the door to the garage wide open for longer than she knows, letting the cold morning air stream into the space. Her body feels numb all over, and she thinks she’s swaying a little, back and forth, like she might fall over any second. She has to steady herself against the doorframe to keep it from happening, drawing in long, low breathes as she does.

She considers just not going in. Closing the door behind her and running home. Maybe boarding this whole place up first, so no one can get in. So no one can disturb anything inside. It should be just like Ellie left it for whenever she gets back.

But somewhere, deep inside of herself, she knows.

Ellie isn’t coming back.

And so she steps inside.

She looks around the door to see what it stopped against, and finds a pair of Ellie’s boots sitting on the floor in front of the shoe rack. She looks over all of the pairs there, the sneaker boxes next to them, and doesn’t see the pair of boots Ellie had been wearing the last time she had seen her. 

Good, she thinks. At least she isn’t going to get frostbite wearing those stupid canvas sneakers.

She smiles a little to herself, thinking of all the times Ellie had gone out in the snow in those. 

She was so god damn stupid. 

So stupid.

Dina shuts the door behind her and walks over to Ellie’s line of shirts, resting on their hangers, and she runs her hand down along them, one at a time, feeling them beneath her fingers. She pulls one down and lifts it to her face, breathing it in, and it smells just like she always imagined it would.

Just like Ellie.

She throws the shirt onto the bed, and trails along the row of movies Ellie kept. The weird ones about aliens, and other planets, and animated series about samurai and robots. Dina had never understood the appeal of most of them, but Ellie loved them so much. After a while, it had gotten to a point where mostly, Dina had just watched Ellie watch them.

It had never been a waste of time. 

Not once.

Dina moves around to the other side of Ellie’s bed, and sits down in the spot that Ellie always sat in. She turns and looks up at the corkboard, and sees herself looking back down. Two different versions of herself. 

The sketch that Ellie had done of her the previous summer, and the photograph of her, Ellie, and Jesse, from shortly thereafter.

Looking up at the sketch, she can't figure out how she didn’t _always_ know what Ellie had felt for her. The only other sketches on the board are old ones of a horse, a dinosaur, some superhero, and the moth design from her guitar and her tattoo. Dina was the only person up there done in Ellie’s own hand.

She thinks about taking the sketch down, throwing it onto the shirt to take with her whenever she leaves, but she doesn’t. For some reason it feels like too much.

Instead she reaches up and takes the photograph, looking down at the younger Ellie inside of it for a long time before placing it down on the shirt. 

Her eyes fall on the low drawer of the bedside table, and her fingers itch to open it. To find the journals inside that she knows Ellie keeps there. To pour over all of them. Some part of her feels like it would be like having her here again, just for a little bit. Reading words she had written that Dina had never seen before. It would be like hearing her say things she had never said. Something new of Ellie where otherwise there would never be something new again.

Her hand starts to reach out, but she stops it.

She just can’t. Even if Ellie’s gone, those were her words to know, and hers alone.

Even if she’s… even if she’s gone.

Tears start to brim in her eyes as the thought becomes more and more real, and she lets herself fall down onto the pillow, bringing up all the blankets and the sheets around her, and she tries to not cry, tries not to let her tears fall and wet the pillows. She doesn’t want to change anything about the way this bed feels or smells. 

It’s perfect now. It smells just like her.

Dina brings the covers up over her head, and breathes in the scent, and she must be more tired than she knows, because she feels her eyelids grow heavy.

The sound of the door opening startles her awake, and she shoots up in the bed, tangled in a mess of blankets. The sky is still gray outside of the window, but it looks like the sun is still out behind the clouds, but it feels like she’s been out for awhile.

She looks over at the door, and finds Tommy sheepishly standing there, looking around the room.

“Hey darlin’,” he says, “Hell of an arm you’ve got. Never woulda guessed.”

Dina runs the back of her hand under her nose, hoping her eyes don’t look as red and puffy as they feel. She doesn’t want to look weak right now, “You should see when I really try.”

“Hope I never hafta.” 

“Well, we’ll see how it goes.”

Tommy moves over to the couch, and slowly lowers himself down onto the spot where Ellie usually sits, exhaling a long breath as he does, “Tha’ was… quite a scene earlier.”

“Is that really how you want to start?” Dina warns.

“Dina… you don’t even know what happen-”

“I know you shot a prisoner, and-”

“It ain’t-”

“And _now,”_ she pushes through as he tries to protest, “Joel’s gone, and Ellie is… she is too.”

Tommy sniffs, and rubs a spot on the back of his head, wincing as he does it, “That all that Jesse told you?”

Dina looks away from him, biting her lip, and eventually shakes her head.

“So, you know what they’re sayin’ Joel did?”

Dina scoffs, “I don’t fucking care…”

Tommy gives her a surprised look.

“I _don’t,”_ she confirms, “I… I don’t know why Joel did whatever he did, but he brought Ellie here… he kept her safe. Whatever his reason… it…”

Tommy nods, “Yeah… I know.”

They both sigh and look around the room awkwardly in opposite directions, before Dina asks, 

“So… what happens now? People going to go out looking for them or something?”

“No… that, uh… that prisoner said there were more of them who were gonna come here lookin’ so we’re locking down. No one’s leavin’ here for a while.”

Dina’s eyebrows knit together, and she stares at him as he tries to avoid her gaze, “Tommy… I’m going to find them.”

He locks eyes with her.

“You can’t keep me in here forever.”

Tommy rubs his short beard, his tongue working the inside of his cheek, 

“I gotta ask you ta reconsider…”

Dina breathes out, “I _can’t.”_

He shakes his head slowly, leaning back against the couch, looking defeated. She stares at him for a few more moments, before standing up from the bed and collecting the shirt and the photograph. She slowly walks over to Ellie’s desk, and looks over it. There’s so much there that reminds her of little moments here with Ellie. Everything really. 

But her eyes fall on Ellie’s stereo, and she quickly hits eject on it, grabbing the tape inside, not even pausing to see what it is, and she turns around and heads for the door. She's starting to feel like if she stays in there any longer she’ll never leave. She’ll just become a part of the space, locked in there forever, just as forgotten as everything else.

She storms passed Tommy, and she she opens the door to leave, he says quietly to her,

“Darlin’, they… you didn’t hear it from me, but… they was headed west.”

She looks back at him, and his face looks the most regretful she’s ever seen it, but she can’t help the smile growing on her own,

“Thanks, Tommy,” she says, as she heads out the door. 

At least now she has a direction, whenever it is she can get out of the walls.

As she goes, she thinks she can hear him say,

“I’m sorry.”

But the sound is lost behind the door closing after her.

\----------

Slowly reaching down into the uncovered box, her breath halting, her fingers run over the cover of her notebook. Her journal.

She turns and looks at her nightstand, like just looking at it will transport the book back into the drawer over there where it should be, but when she looks back down, it’s still beneath her hand.

She picks it up, and sitting underneath it is another thing that shouldn’t be there.

Her hand comes up to her mouth on it’s own as she immediately recognizes it.

The familiar olive-green band.

The worn metal casing.

The broken face.

She brings her other hand down and picks up Joel’s old watch as well, and holds the two objects, staring at them like puzzle pieces she can’t make fit together right.

There’s an opening in the bottom of the journal, like there’s something inside of keeping it from closing completely. She sets Joel’s watch down on the floor next to her, and puts her thumb on the crease, opening up the notebook.

Her breath hitches as the cover falls open and inside, she finds the bracelet Dina had given to her, neatly folded in half. 

It sits on the most recent page she can remember writing on, but the paper is covered in more words than she had done. 

There’s a long message there, scrawled out in Joel’s messy handwriting, starting just underneath her last entry to herself.

_She’s everywhere now, but she’s nowhere. Like before, but worse. ~~I can’t keep going~~ I have to keep moving. I have to. Joel needs me. _

__________________________________________________________

_Ellie,_

_I imagine by the time you find this, you’ll of already looked for me everywhere else you could think of. I hope you didn’t hurt anyone. It’d be alright if you scared that butcher’s kid a bit though. I never did like him any._

_Just sit down. Take a breath. Put the knife away. I know how you get. Probably got that crazy look in your eye right now. Go ahead, look in the mirror and tell me I’m wrong. Just please do me a favor for once, and keep reading._

_Do you remember how when we met I used to have to find something to pull you around on just so we could cross any little bit of water we came to? How’s a kid not know how to swim anyway? I still think about you balancing on one of those things and get a good laugh whenever I’m feeling down._

_Look at you now. I’ll bet you could swim for miles if you had to. There’s nothing that can stop you once you put your mind to something. Memory like a trap. I could listen to you talk about space or dinosaurs or whatever has your attention for hours. Watching you grow up has been the greatest joy of my life. You’re the strongest, most selfless person I ever had the good pleasure to meet, and I couldn’t be more proud of you._

_I was sure I’d lost you for a bit. I deserved to. I brought it on myself. But somehow you found it in that big heart of yours to give me another chance, and now I got to have these last years with you. I don’t know what I did to be so lucky. I hope you know, I’m trying to repay what you’ve given me now, even if you’re never able to forgive me for it._

_In all this time, we never really had some things out. Talking much just never seemed to be our way, least not about the important things. I’ve never been much good at it. I’m afraid that’s one of my “qualities” that’s rubbed off on you. You’re going to need to work on that for the both of us. There’s some things I want to say, so I’m going to write them here, or try to anyway._

_I try not to dwell too much on the past. You know as well as anyone that you can’t change it. All the same, there’s two things I mightily regret._

_The first thing is I should have told you the truth about the Fireflies. I know I said I’d do what I did all over again and I stand by that, but I never should have lied to you. I want you to know it wasn’t because I didn’t think you could handle the truth. I know you can handle anything. You’re the toughest person I know. I didn’t tell you because I was scared if I did I would lose you, and that was the most frightening thing I could imagine. It still is._

_The second thing, well, I hope you forgot about it, but I think about it every day. The first time we came to Jackson, not to stay, but the very first time, when you ran off, I got angry with you. I said you weren’t my daughter._

_I’ve never been more wrong. Not in my whole life. You are my daughter. You’re my blood even if you’re not. I should have known since a part of my heart goes with you every time you’re out of my sight. Guess I’m going to have to ask you to just hold onto that for me from now on._

_I don’t want to write this next part, and you’re not going to want to read it, but we both got to._

_I want you to know I’m fine. I’m going to be ok. I’m not going to Jackson. Me and Tommy have been planning on something like this for a while now. I guess things just got pushed up a bit. This is sooner than I wanted, but I guess not as soon as it should have been. We’ve been out here in this cabin for so long, Ellie. How could I have been so selfish?_

_You can try to track us if you want, but me and Tommy know what we’re doing._

_~~You won’t find~~ _

_You’ll never see me again. I know you wanted to be the one to get to say something like that once, but guess I get to have the last laugh on this one, huh, kiddo? I’m not saying that because it’s the way I want it, but it’s the way it’s got to be._

_You’ve given up five years, for me. You’ve given up your happiness, for me. Now you’re asking me to let you do it again? No. I won’t have it. I’m not going to allow you to chain yourself to me any longer. That’s why I’m doing this._

_I want to give you your life back. You can’t ask me not to do that._

_I’m sorry. I’ll never let you go, but it’s time you let go of me._

_I should have said this a long time ago. It’s never come easy for me, but I need you to know it._

_I love you. I love you with all my heart, baby girl. I always will._

_~~-Jo~~_

_-Dad_

She sits on her knees, blinking rapid, flipping through the pages, trying to find more.

She has to start and stop more times than she can count. 

Her lungs can barely bring in any air. Her eyes can hardly see.

Tears fall freely onto the page, rewetting spots where it looks like ones had already fallen and dried.

She falls back on the floor and clutches the journal to her chest, her body convulsing, wracked with sobs, and she desperately reaches out and pulls the watch over to her too. She holds them against herself, and cries until no more sound comes out, curling in on herself.

When she finds the strength to stand, she reads it again, her eyes falling on the postscript she hadn't even made it to before her body broke.

_P.S.: Tommy left something for you in my closet. I know you’ll make good use of her._

She wipes away at her face, and takes tiny, slow steps out of her room and into Joel’s, almost falling apart again at the sight of his bed and the smell in the air. 

She forces herself to the open closet, and breaks into hysterical laughter when she finds her old guitar propped up against the back wall in it’s open case. 

Reaching out to it, she runs her thumb down the strings, listening to them vibrate, finding them perfectly in tune. A small smile finds her lips as she imagines Joel sitting on the bed, tuning it for her one last time.

Something hangs against the strings from her palm, and she looks down at her hand, finding the old leather bracelet hanging in her grasp. 

She doesn’t even remember taking it out of the journal. Doesn’t remember holding it the whole time.

Blindly, she walks out of the cabin, and makes her way to Shimmer.

Not long after, with the sun going down behind the distant peaks, she finds herself standing in front of that door again, at the end of a row of doors. This time, she opens it, and steps inside.

The room looks different in the fading light instead of covered in dark shadows, but as she falls back against the door behind her, she can feel Dina’s hands on her again.

She can feel her lips, and she can hear her voice in her ear.

As she walks over to the bed, and runs her hand over the disheveled covers, she remembers everything. 

And she doesn’t try to stop it.

She lets it all rush over her, falling like an avalanche, and she gets buried happily beneath it as her heart hammers in her chest. She can feel it all rushing to every point and tip of her body.

Dina was here. In this room. Where they were together.

Where they had found each other again, after so long.

She pulls in deep, gasping breaths, filling her lungs and she laughs, tasting the salt of fresh tears on her lips as they freely fall from her eyes as she pictures it, every stolen moment. 

Dina had come for her. 

After _so_ long.

She was within arms reach, just waiting to be touched. To be found again.

From her bag, she pulls her journal, flipping to the last page, and scans down to the final part. Her eyes fall after the postscript, where Joel must have come back and started a final message to her, scratching it out and starting over several times, before landing on:

_I told you that I struggled for a long time with surviving. That you keep finding something to fight for, but Ellie, I don’t want you to survive._

_I want you to live._

_You gave me something to live for._

_Now go find a reason of your own._

And without looking back, she rushes out of the room, the door open behind her. 

She doesn’t even consider closing it.

As her feet pound down the steps of the balcony, a crazed smile on her face, she hears a familiar voice call over the railing to her,

“Tess, is that you?”

She stops for only a moment, Shimmer’s reins already in her hands as she looks up and finds Jenny leaning over the side, peering down at her. 

And with joy and hope in her heart, she calls back up, at the top of her lungs,

“My name is Ellie!”

\----------

There’s a soft breeze rolling in down over the mountains from the east, bringing the smell of the pines and the fresh air along with it into town. It’s warmer out than it’s been for days, the late afternoon sun shining bright in the sky, casting long shadows on the ground.

Dina leans with her back against the wooden fence, watching Elijah play on the old equipment with other children, a smile on her face. 

At least this was easy enough.

Being here with him, watching him play and be happy.

She could keep doing this.

The rest of it… that was the hard part.

In the days after she had returned from Dubois, everything had been in slow motion, cold and distant, like she had fallen through ice and was trying to find her way out again but couldn’t. She was just pounding against the frozen surface from underneath, the air slowly leaving her lungs.

It had been just like five years ago. Just like losing Ellie all over again. 

She kept thinking she would ride out again, to just throw everything away and be with her, whatever the cost, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do that to Elijah. 

She had lost her own mother when she was just a child. She couldn’t let her son lose his. She couldn’t choose that for him.

The hardest day was when Maria came to Cat’s door and told her that Tommy had left. The sadness, the resignation… the accusation in Maria’s eyes. It was enough to make Dina break down and beg for forgiveness. She would have if it had been anyone else, but she knew it wouldn’t have made any difference. 

Not to Maria. 

Maria just told her he was gone, looked her over, and left.

And Dina knew then that even if she couldn’t take it, her chance to go was gone with him. Wherever Ellie and Joel went now, it would truly be somewhere no one would find them. They wouldn’t risk this happening again. Ellie wouldn’t.

Her girl was too stubborn for that.

So now, once and for all, all that would ever be left to her of Ellie were her memories.

And there would never be new ones.

She tries not to allow herself to be swallowed up by that. To not fall down into it and never be seen again.

She tries to just be here, in this moment, as Elijah runs over and grabs her hand, pulling her over to the swingset.

Dina lifts her son from under his arms and sets him down in the swing, and gives him a soft push, 

“That was weak!” he calls back over his shoulder.

“Oh, is that right?” she says, grinning.

“Yeah!”

She pushes him again, with the same force as before, “Was that weak too?”

He nods vigorously, swinging out in front of her, slowly coming back.

“Alright, hang on,” she says, pulling him back and pushing him hard.

Elijah cackles loud as he goes out fast, “Again!”

Dina smiles and pushes him again, and again, until she can feel her arms starting to burn, Elijah laughing the whole time.

As they walk the street together, his small hand in hers, she takes small slow steps to match his pace, and she watches him as he looks all over the street, waving to everyone he sees. 

This will be enough.

It’ll have to be.

Elijah looks up at her as they walk, “Are you coming home now?”

Dina sighs, “No, goober, we talked about this.”

“So you’re still going to be out on patrol?”

She shakes her head, “I’m not out on patrol. I’m just… not going to be living at home anymore. I’m going to have a new home.”

Elijah looks down at his feet, “I still don’t get it.”

“I know, hon.”

“What’s wrong with our house?”

“Nothing,” she chuckles, “There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a great house.”

“Then why don’t you wanna live there?” he asks, his voice full of confusion.

“It’s…” she shrugs, “it’s kind of hard to explain.”

Elijah looks back up at her, “I’m really smart though.”

Dina smiles, “I know you are, buddy. It’s just…”

She stops, and kneels down in front of him, taking his other hand too.

“You know… you know how grandma and grandpa love each other?”

He twists his face, “They’re always kissing. It’s gross.”

Dina nods, “Yeah, right? Well… that’s how I’m supposed to love your dad. How your dad deserves to be loved. But… I don’t.”

“Why not?” The question seems so easy and innocent, but it still breaks her heart.

“Because…” she sucks in her lips and pauses before she says it. She realizes she never has. She never told her. “Because… I’m in love with someone else.”

Elijah still looks confused, “Who?”

“Umm… well, you’ve never met her, but you were actually named after-”

His face lights up, “Aunt Ellie?”

Dina sits back on her heels, her face full of confusion now, “How do you know about… your… uh… ‘Aunt’ Ellie?”

“Dad told me about her.” he says like it’s obvious.

“He… did?”

“Mmmhmm,” he replies, nodding, “He said they were best friends. You’re in love with dad's best friend? Gross.”

Dina can’t hold in a laugh, “Well… I mean when you put it like that, I guess it doesn’t paint me in the best light-”

“Are you going to marry Aunt Ellie now?” Elijah asks nonchalantly, looking off down the street.

Her heart skips a beat, “No, buddy… no. She’s… I don’t know where she is. We’re not… No.”

He shrugs, “That’s too bad.”

She looks away from him, letting go of one of his hands so she can clear her eyes, “Yeah… I think so too.”

They start walking again, and he looks up at her again after a while and asks, “Do you think Dad will marry Uncle Chad? They’re best friends.”

Dina almost falls over laughing, “No, bud, I don’t think so. Your dad has much better taste than that.”

They make their way through the streets to the familiar red house, and head up the steps. It still feels strange, knocking on the door like a stranger. She never felt settled in this place, but at the same time, she’s never felt this foreign either. 

After a few moments, Jesse answers the door, and Elijah runs in, quickly hugging his legs then rushes into the living room without even saying goodbye to Dina. She just smiles after him, then looks up at Jesse, finding him grinning at their son too.

He looks back at her, “So… how was it?”

“It was good… really good. He loves those swings.”

Jesse’s grin grows wider, “He really does.”

“He also said that I push harder than you do. That I’m _way_ stronger. So…”

“Oh, did he?”

“Yeah, he did.”

“I don’t-”

“Facts.”

“What a little turncoat-”

“Just need to work on your upper body strength.” She says, and almost reaches out to poke his arm, but pulls back.

Jesse smirks a little, and looks into the house, before glancing back at her.

“Do you… want to stay for dinner? We’ve just got some leftovers that my mom brought, but I was about to heat them up.”

She considers it for a moment, but shakes her head, “No… thanks, but I shouldn’t. Cat and Astrid are having a thing.”

“Well…” he says, “... the offer is open. I think it would be nice if we could find a way to be… I don’t know… friends, eventually, I guess? I think we made... good friends, even if we were shitty at being married. Is that weird?”

Dina nods, “No, that’s not weird… I’d like that. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Me too.”

She steps back, and is about to turn to leave, before asking, “Are you doing alright… like… are you going to be okay?”

Jesse grins, “Am I going to be _'okay'?_ There is life after Dina, you know.”

“Alright, fuck you,” she smiles, “but… you know what I mean.”

Jesse looks in again at Elijah, “Yeah, I think so. As long as he’s good, I think I will be too.”

He looks back at her, and asks softly, “What about you?”

She breathes in, and says, “I think so too,” and tries to believe it.

Later, she helps clear the plates from the table, and cleans them in the sink as she listens to all of the guests at Cat and Astrid’s talk. She thought it would be easier, around people. To just sit there among friends, watching them, interacting like she used to. 

But being around them all, seeing them going about their lives so normally and easily, it just makes her feel more distant. More alone.

She excuses herself to her room as some of them start to leave, trying not to feel Cat’s eyes on her. She knows Cat arranged this just for her, to try to cheer her up. It was sweet and thoughtful, and she should appreciate it. She doesn’t want to seem ungrateful. She just can’t do it. 

Not right now.

She sits on the edge of the bed in the spare room next to the kitchen, the dull sounds of voices on the other side still coming through, and she tries to even out her breaths. 

Is this really what it’s going to be like from now on? 

Being alone in a room full of people, wishing for the one person to be there who never will?

She leans down, and reaches into her bag, her fingers finding the old photograph, and she pulls it out, setting it on the bed next to her, before reaching back in. Her hand comes out with the tape she’s kept for so, so long. Always had, but never listened to. 

She always thought they would listen to it again for the first time together, once she had found her again.

But why wait any longer now?

Dina stands slowly, and walks around to the small stereo Cat has sitting on a shelf in the room, and pushes the tape in. She swallows past the lump in her throat, pressing play, and walks back to the bed, sitting down again as the song starts to play.

It sounds so different. She had forgotten about that.

She always imagined they’d listen to it and it would sound just the way it had when Ellie had played it at the bonfire, but of course, it doesn’t. 

It’s much faster, pulsing along with a steady uptempo beat. The instruments sound all electronic, the tone different.

But it still brings back the memory so strongly and so fiercely she has to shut her eyes.

Of Ellie sitting in front of her, her guitar propped up on one leg, her fingers working the strings so deftly.

Their eyes locked together as Ellie’s soft voice carried the words straight from her heart to Dina’s.

Dina softly bites her lip, picturing it, and looks down at the photograph. At the happy, strong, stupid, red headed girl looking back up at her.

For just those few short minutes, while the song plays, Dina feels warm again, and that… that will have to be enough.

As she stares down at the photo, the song ends, and the tape skips, turning over and over until the stereo stops itself, and there’s silence in the room again. Nothing but the sounds outside her door of people slowly leaving dinner, as the warmth starts to fade from her chest, the world closing back in on her.

Dina eyes shut and she takes in a shaky breath.

And when the sound of the front door opening comes again, her eyes open as she hears Cat almost shout, 

“Oh my fucking god!”

And then silence in the whole house, as a single voice asks,

“Is she here?”

And it’s that voice.

And she knows it.

She would always know that voice.

She knows it in her dreams.

She’ll know it long after she’s dead.

Dina’s legs push her to her feet, and her hands find the knob of the door.

And when she opens it, the world opens again too.

\----------

_Whenever you feel lost in time,  
place your hand over your heart,  
imagine it is mine,  
and with every beat  
I hope you feel  
more alive._

_Just think of me  
until I arrive._

_-S. Marie_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: So, I was going to write an epilogue for Somewhere, but in the end, after nearly two months of trying to put it down in words, the story just doesn't feel so much like it needs it. I may come back and add it in at some point, but for now, I'm happy calling this labor of love complete.
> 
> Sooooooo.
> 
> That was really long, huh?
> 
> This chapter clocked in at 14,100 some odd words. I know that seems like a lot, but there was a lot I wanted it to say that I felt like wouldn't work as well if it was cut up into separate chapters, so here we are. Hope everyone snuggled in.
> 
> If you read Shaken by a Low Sound, you may noticed there's a scene in this taken almost completely from that. Yes, I plagiarized myself. I wanted a scene in this chapter of Dina at the chance, feeling her feelings, and it turned out I had already written it, so... here we are. It's also sampled at the beginning of the prologue of this story. I triple dipped. Fight me.


End file.
